John Gottman has a concept called "a harsh startup." Basically it is an interaction between H&W that starts poorly and proceeds to go down hill very quickly.
After action evaluation:
Cooking/acts of service are one of your wife's LL
If she says "I love you" (aka here is a special breakfast for you) and you say to her "I love you" ..."this tastes like crap;" would you expect her to feel rejected?
What if you had said something like "Honey, there is some unusual taste to these eggs could you taste them, as I want your opinion." Would a different outcome have likely happened?
Once she tasted them, then you could say that you don't like the taste of the eggs, but that you do like the taste of the toast/juice/etc. and could she please use a different spice next time as you really appreciate her cooking for you.
Let me create a similar interaction to illustrate what I am trying to say, but using something between my wife an me.
I know that when I initiate sex with my wife (my way of saying "I love you") and she rejects me I feel really bad. I have explained to my wife, if she puts her hand on my chest (LL=touch), tells me she loves me, tells me that I am a good man and she is proud of me and what I do (LL=words of affirmation), she can the tell me that she has plans to have sex with me later that day or the next day. If she does that, I don't feel rejected, because my wife used my LL's to say she also loves me and she said sex is something she wants to share with me, just not right now.
Do you see how to avoid rejecting a LL statement of love, but still honestly getting your point across?
Abandoning NG ways can be done and providing honest feedback doesn't need to be done via a harsh start-up.
Just my thoughts for what they are worth. You can still make her feel loved, even when you provide honest negative feedback.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
