trying to see the big picture

[♪CS♪]

I want to add something here.

Because I sense it just a bit.

When the fear leaves, other emotions will want to take it's places.

Anger, spitefulness, the thought of putting yourself above and her below, resentment, etc.

You get the point.

If these things try to fill the void, try and step back from them. See them. Recognize it for what it is, and let them pass.

[Starsky309]

I deleted her from my facebook, i blocked her numbers from my cell phone and the home phone. She can call the kids on their cell phones, all 4 of them have one. I have changed my email address at work and my work cell number. I am cutting her out of my life. I just feel that i have done enough. I am going dark on her. She no longer has me to depend on. Its time i start living my life for myself and my kids 100 percent.

Tank,

Since you have children together, I'd suggest you set up an online Cozi calendar for any scheduling and communications with your wife. It will allow you to detach, and yet do the co-parenting things that will be necessary with the kids.

Starsky

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Since you have children together, I'd suggest you set up an online Cozi calendar for any scheduling and communications with your wife. It will allow you to detach, and yet do the co-parenting things that will be necessary with the kids.

Agreed,
It's the hand book for co-parenting.

Put everything on the calendar. that way there's no reason for miscommunication. It's on the calendar.

My stbx still needs to actively check and update things on her side. Let her know she need to utilize it.

It will help with the detachment too.

[tank]

thanks country.

I will look into the calender, but as every one on here knows, my wife only saw the kids cause i picked her up, brought her to the house, let her stay at the house for her visit or the entire weekend and then i would drive her back to om's and drop her off.

It has been 2 weeks since she has even spoken to the kids. No texting them, or calling them. She doesnt even answer when they call or text her. She missed her visits this week. Its her weekend with the kids, and my parents are taking them all for the weekend. We dont expect her to show up and my parents want me to have space and freedom to look after myself and get things around the house done.

If OM brings her to get the kids, well he will have wasted his time and his gas, i dont care. I will tell her that the kids are at papa and mema's and she is always welcome to go and visit them there. Not on of my children want anything to do with the OM. All 4 have said they would love to spend time with mommy, but if OM is around they will not go.

My 15 year old is a pretty big kid, all he wants to do is punch the other man in the mouth. I dont encourage the behaviour but i encourage him to vent his anger and frustration.

so, i dont think i really need the calender. I take care of all activities, and she knows soccer is monday thru thursday and the times and locations. if she needs to know anything she can ask.

I think I have catered toher for so long, that I enjoy not giveing a sh&% about it anymore. its not my job to make her a great mom and be involved with her kids. If she chooses to live like a college student and ignore everything else, thats her choice.

When the time comes that she realizes what she has done, and what she put her family through, she will regret this part of her life. Maybe not our marriage, but her willingness to make 4 innocent people suffer. It will then be her problem to try and rebuild the bridges to her children.

[kml]

Tank -
sorry to hear about your gastric cancer diagnosis - that [censored].

Please read about vitamin D deficiency and cancer risk, ask to have your vitamin D level checked, and make sure you get enough vitamin D to put your blood level in the above-50 range. Check out the website www.grassrootshealth.org for more info.

B12 deficiency can also be a cause of gastric cancer, or a result of the treatment. Get it checked.

Also get checked for celiac disease (gluten sensitivity).

[tank]

i need to vent on here.

After i take all the kids to their soccer games, and grandma just leaves our house with all of them. my phone rings and it is my wife. She actually says that she wants me to come pick her up tomorrow and bring her home and let her try and fix what she has done. WTF??????????????????

I told her (i did raise my voice a little) that she must be crazy. Why should i let her back into a life that she has destroyed and hurt everyone involved. Her only response was, i havent been myself for the last couple of weeks. I said what does that mean. She says she has been depressed and has spent her time in bed. When she wasnt in bed she would pour another drink. I told her i had to go and would maybe call her later.

[AloneAt35]

Tank,

You need to do what is best for YOU. I am so concerned about your sitch. You are handling this all so well. If you feel you've reached equilibrium over the last few days by being 'done' with your W, then by all means, DON'T call her back. As you said, the kid's are with their grandparents. W can see them there if she feels so inclined.

Peace is what you deserve (and need) right now.

[tank]

i have not called her back, i just dont feel the need or desire to call her. I am sure she will call me tomorrow. I might answer, i might not. My mother did call her and tell her she is able to go to her house tomorrow to spend some time with the kids.

How oblivous is this women, she drops off the face of the planet for 2 weeks, after lying to me. she doesnt call her kids, she doesnt answer her cell or home phone when the kids call her.

i cant think clearly about this at the moment. Jack, starsky, country and alone, i could really use some advice on how to handle a phone conversation with her. I want her to convince me why i shouold let her come home, and thats not right. so any pointers of conduct tips would be greatly appreciated

[a girl]

Tank, I'm not any of the people you called out for, but I am in a place similar to yours - not that my H has asked to come home, but that I have been thinking about how I would handle it he did.

It's hard to consider letting them back in knowing you might be right back here in 2 years.

I would ask - what would she have to do in order to make you feel you can trust her, be with her? Is it counseling? Radical transparency?

I think you need to figure out what you *need* to be able to be with her. And if there's nothing that would enable that, well, that's an answer too.

[AloneAt35]

Tank, since you can't think clearly (and since I'm in no position to give advice), I would ignore her call(s) until YOU know how you want to handle it.

My M.O. in life is always 'unconditional love', which you've shown in super-human amounts toward your W. However, even I say at this point, Tank's peace of mind and bodily well-being come first.

If you have found peace in the last few days by being "done", you need to honor that. Your needs come first now Tank. First and foremost, your kids need a dad who has enough energy and will to fight the fight of his life against cancer.

Your W left her whole family hanging for WEEKS. You are under no obligation to speak to her on any other time frame but your own, and I would seriously consider doing otherwise until you've both had a chance to think about what the past few weeks have meant.

She knows where the kids are at. She has a family that can get her there to visit them if she wants to explain her actions and apologize to them in person. You owe her nothing and you owe yourself every calm, peaceful moment you can get.

I know this isn't very helpful, I'm just so horrified by your W's treatment of her own children that I don't know how to handle it either.

I know you don't want to miss an opportunity to bring your wife back to being the mother she needs to be, but I don't know how you balance that with protecting everyone from more heart break.

I just don't know.

When you said, "I want her to convince me why i should let her come home, and thats not right" its because you know from DBing that when you have *expectations* you are bound to fail. Until these expectations are gone, you're not ready to accept a phone call from her.

That may be never.