Divorce on the horizon?

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Beatrice. Very helpful. As for being a better dad, I'm spending much more time with them, doing activities together and I've been playing a few games with my S16. (He's my youngest.) He's got me hooked on a computer game right now.

Today is a better day. Afterall, it is Little Friday.

Thought that I would just come here and vent/journal a little. W really hurt me last night. I thought that I was passed all of that. She said some really mean and hateful things to me. The scary thing is that I think she actually means them. On the other hand, sometimes I think she really does care. Weird huh?

I'm also getting tired of hearing about all of these "last opportunities" after the fact. That tells me though that she isn't 100% sure. Or...is just confused as hell.

Everyone tells me that the OM is just a symptom. Is that really true? I think if she hadn't met him, that maybe she would still be here.

I also wonder if when we tell ourselves that "they are crazy" or "its a crisis" if we are just telling ourselves that to make each other feel better.

I guess that I'm just hurt and wondering if there is any hope at all because she is just so damn determined to D. She has told me numerous times that the "original" plan was to just seperate, but then "the way I behaved" changed her mind. EVERYTHING is my fault.

I still worry about all of the mistakes that I made in the beginning and some of them that I continue to make. I read somewhere that the MLCer remembers how they were treated. Well, in the beginning, I sent some pretty loving emails, but also some very hateful ones. Knowing my W, she probably kept the hateful ones so she could read them again and justify her actions. I am such a fvck up.

She told me last night that we need to keep everything strictly business because our emotions keep getting in the way. I thought she didn't have any. Atleast, according to her. To her, I am dirt and she KNOWS that she'll never love me again. Says that she wants to move on to a happier life.

She says that she is sad because we can't be friends. Really? She doesn't want to be my friend.

I'm trying to stay busy and get things done around here and get things done for our mediation on the 10th. I pray that my interview goes well on Monday. I need to get out of this house and keep my mind occupied.

I still love her dearly, but my God, she has changed. I don't really know her anymore. Maybe I'm in love with the "old" W.

MHL says that my W is the poster child for MLC. Maybe she is, but maybe she is also just DONE.

She told me last night that yes, she loved me and adored me in May of 2010, but by August she didn't. I wonder why.....oh she joined an internet dating site in July.

Wish I could feel better soon.

Tad