I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

[KenF]

CTH,
its still new. give yourself some time. you're doing fine.

the more you think about it, the more you'll thing about it.

a couple pages ago you mentioned how xw was somewhat pushing herself into your schedule.

years ago i read a book by M. Scott Peck called People of the Lie. in it he discussed "The Narcissist: Coercion and control of others". one of the case studies was of a women who would run out of gas frequently and call others in the middle of the night to come get her.

she acted as if it were nothing, just a funny little adventure they shared saving poor ol' forgetful girl. but it was really about control and manipulation.

what you wrote reminded me of that book. whether or not your xw is doing this is not for me to say, and i dont mean to imply it, it just triggered a memory.

[ClingingToHope]

There are millions of little things that affect how people get over trauma -- how the divorce came down definitely is one of them.

No one is being harsh. I appreciate all of the input.

One thing I will not do is give up the divorce classes. They help me tremendously. I meet people who are shell-shocked like I was in 2009, and then I meet people who have been divorced five, six years and still are carrying baggage.

It helps me keep going ahead and work on letting go. I've met several new friends there. It's good to have an hour a week to get things off my chest.

Some people are just good at keeping things simple. Golfer Dustin Johnson is like that. He's had several well documented screw ups and it doesn't seem to affect him.

A friend said "Dustin doesn't think much" and meant it as a compliment. I think too much.

Really, I think I'll go through a good stretch here. I have three weeks before I have the girls again -- other than my Wednesday nights. I have a softball tournament next weekend and a cookout on the schedule. I'm not too far off on my budget.

I have several meetings to discuss possible next careers. The divorce stuff is mostly over -- I haven't heard from XW's pension company about the $12,500 I'm owed.

There's lots of little bumps in the road ahead. Eventually, XW will sell the house, get a boyfriend, maybe even get married. Those are all going to hurt -- it doesn't matter how long it takes. Even though I know they are coming, when they happen, I'll probably jump on here and pour my heart out.

This site is very good for that.

It also gives me hope. I love reading the updates from posters who weathered the storm and came out stronger. I was thinking about a friend on my softball team. He missed the game this morning because his second wife had their first child.

I remember reaching out to him in 2009. He has twin girls the same age as my oldest. They would play together at the games.

He is a salesman and he stopped home one day and caught his wife in the act. He threw her out and divorced her immediately after she admitted it was a long-term thing.

That was five years ago. He kept playing softball. They worked out a 50/50 custody deal. He says they are friends.

He met a girl two years ago through Match -- she is extremely pretty -- they got married and now he has a third daughter.

I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes the light seems to be just ahead and sometimes it seems to be so dark that I'm losing myself. That happened this weekend.

[ClingingToHope]

GM, it's called Marriage Matters and Marriage Rebuilders. It's the same teaching, but the struggling couples, newlyweds or engaged couples are in one room and the divorced people are in another.

There's a court order called a QDRO in place ordering XW's pension company to create a new account in my name with the money. I can leave it there until I retire or take it out with a penalty.

I plan on either using it for a Masters degree or as a down payment on a house -- if I ever buy another one.

I'm not worried I won't get it. I just figured I would have been contacted by now.

The pension thing shouldn't be a happy memory but it is. Way back in February 2010 when XW and I had our one face-to-face meeting without lawyers about a divorce I brought up the pension. She smiled and said "you don't get any money from it until I retire."

I smiled and responded, "It depends on the plan. If your pension plan is a lump-sum distribution plan then I get my half when the divorce is final."

I'd done my research and I knew XW's company had switched from a pension plan where you get a check the rest of your life to one where you get one big fat payment when you retire.

I could tell XW was mad. She didn't want to give me a dime even though we gutted my retirement plan to repair the basement after a flood.

D12 forgot some things from the week over here. I put them all in a bag and drove it over to "the house" after I was sure they were all gone for the day.

No need to give XW a reason to come over and pick something up.

I noticed the paint job on the house. It was ... lousy. I tried to explain this to her last year. She is selling the house as a short sale. Every dime she spends on it is wasted money because bottom feeders are going to offer $25,000 to $30,000 less than she owes. She won't recoup any of the investment. Better to just keep it clean and let the buyers worry about painting etc.

But she no longer listens to me.

Going to be a long day. Got up for the 5:45 a.m. workout class. Then went to work for a couple of hours, then donated plasma ($35 for this donation, I've now made more than $400 this year this way), then back to work. I have a church thing tonight from 6:30 to 8:30. The lady from Match who asked me on our second message why I got divorced is going to be there with a friend so I'll have someone to sit with.

Then ... I think I'll be wiped out.

[ClingingToHope]

Last 24 hours have been .... ugh.

D8 and D12 are in theater camp. D8 has two good days, then yesterday something happens and she has a meltdown. It's not a surprise. She has yet to do a full five day camp without at least one major meltdown. The camp calls me because I answer my phone and XW doesn't.

It's my night to have tehm anyway, not a big, big deal.

So I have the girls. It's 7 p.m. and I have free go kart and mini putt passes from a developer in town who owns the mini putt/go kart.

We go. D8 has fun, but also a couple of meltdowns. Still. Things are going well when a huge storm rolls in. We head inside to the arcade and ... the owner of the place is there with his family.

We wait the storm out -- 90 minutes -- the owner gives D8 and D12 unlimited access to the games. Good times.

Unfortunately, the storm knocked out power to my house. XW has power so I take them over there. XW is surprised to see us but it's OK. D8 though doesn't want me to leave. She asks XW if I can stay the night. She says that's fine ... but I don't want to.

I end up tucking D8 in in my old bed downstairs and laying down with her. It's the second time in a month I'm laying down on my old bed.

Finally, at 11:30 p.m. D8 says I can go.

XW? She sat over on the couch on her computer drinking beer. That's another switch. She always criticized her sister and dad for sitting home alone drinking and apparently she's picked up the habit as well.

I consciously never drank at home because my dad, her dad and her sister were/are alcoholics. I just drink in social settings -- causing me at times to run over real estate signs, but that's another story.

Today, I pick up the girls and get them to camp. D8 doesn't want to go, but I have morning meetings AND no power at home so I can't stay home with her.

After sitting with her for 30 minutes at camp, she finally says she'll stay.

So I head to work and two hours later they call me again ... because again XW isn't answering her phone and D8 is having another meltdown.

So I trudge across town, pick her up and she comes back to work and plays on a computer while I work.

Finally, XW picks her up at 3:30 p.m.

Ahhh the joys of family.

[Onthemountaintop]

I went camping in the mountains and they all had meltdowns..
I can imagine how hard ot would have been for you. I've noticed many more of them since my separation and I'm worried about it becoming permanent. I try to remind myself that some are normal, and others are testing ... Like do i always want me even I'm acting bad, or you're going to leave me like mom left so why not be independent...

either way, it [censored] to go through and a real guilt builder (I'm a bad dad, etc)

[ClingingToHope]

A couple of weeks ago I had a really down moment and wondered if D8 is really ever going to get better.

I'm better now.

As I was driving back to get D8 today I felt peaceful. At times, I've thought that she was only having these with me. I know that's not the case though. I NEVER ask D8 or D12 if D8 has meltdowns with XW. That's her business.

XW grills D8 about her time over here.

I used to think it was to build a case against me. Now, I think it's just XW's control issues.

[mishka422]

I used to think it was to build a case against me. Now, I think it's just XW's control issues

BINGO!

I hear ya on the meltdowns CTH. My son used to have them all the time in the strangest places. Even in situations where it should have been nothing but fun (like camp) something small would set him off and he would actually do damage to anything within reach (except other people).

He's 16 now and has much better control. There is hope. It just takes time.

Have you asked the school about putting D8 in a social skills class? It could help her learn how to control her urges toward outbursts, especially while in social situations.

Just an idea.

[ClingingToHope]

D8 was in a special class for ADHD kids in second grade. She did so well they transitioned her back to regular class for third grade.

D8 goes to a psychologist regularly. She hasn't done a lot of camps this summer. Just two. Horse back riding and theater. Both are activities she loves and she didn't make it through either.

Those camps were half day last year. Now, she's too old for half day and she really struggled.

Actually, I have to change the profile. D8 is D9 today.

[mishka422]

Happy birthday to your sweet girl!!!

Just keep a close eye on the meltdowns. Teachers don't know everything and, as you know, you are your child's best advocate. If you decide that she needs some extra help (it doesn't have to be an entire classroom for ADHD kids, but most schools offer an separate social skills class that they pull kids out for just like they do speech therapy or extra math help, etc.) then tell them that. If you don't fight the fight for her, she won't get the help.

I don't remember, did you say that you had her evaluated for all spectrum disorders?

After years of back and forth and begging and fighting on my part I finally got my son a full psychological workup that took several weeks to complete. After that they finally determined he is actually Aspberger's. You wouldn't believe the doors that opened once they discovered that! Before they didn't know what 'label' to put so they just said he was ADHD and OCD which limited the assistance I could get for him. Now he is still in regular classes but gets TONS of extra help so he's not labeled as a problem anymore! It was a HUGE relief.

I'm absolutely, in no way saying that D9 is on the spectrum, just asking if you have had further testing.

[ClingingToHope]

D9 has an IEP with regular meetings. A problem in third grade was they fired most of the aides because of budget problems and replaced them with a handful of special education teachers. The lady they hired for D9's school was awful. She is not cut out to handle troubled kids.

Today, I saw D9 a couple of times on her birthday. D9, XW and I sat together for D12's theater camp performance. D9 rode home with me because XW had to go to the bank for a half hour -- more consolidation loans????

Then I headed back to work. XW bought D9 a cell phone -- she's been begging for one. So now both the girls have them and I can call or text them directly and not worry about XW.

Also, I talked to the private college here that has an MBA program. I can get an MBA for less than $20,000. I have $10,000 already from XW's retirement. And I can borrow the other $10,000 when I need it from my 401(k).

So I can get an MBA without having to take out student loans, be finished with the program in four to five years and then move on and up from the newspaper business.

Kind of ironic that the D will help me get an MBA.

When I was sitting with D9 at my old house, she asked me if I was sad.

I told her, "No. Honey I've had a great week. Lots of good things happened this week."

She smiled.