Pretty sure this is a MLC or Identity Crisis

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I wouldn't make this about the OM, because then not moving out seems vindictive.

Simply make this about choices, why are you moving when you want to stay? Why is she staying when she wants to be away?

[Mach1]

Yep....


Less about you being the victim, and more about her, living her choices....

On the anger....

Think of it this way...


There is a reason that the Space Shuttle has those big a$$ booster tanks on it's side when it launches...

Then they break away during flight.

It takes way more fuel to launch, than it does to cruise.

An MLCer's anger works in the same manner...

Most of them have extreme anger when there is a push away from the LBS.

Try to be the cooler head druing those times.

Validate , yet do not let them walk all over you...I.E. YOU moving out.

[tested metal]

Thanks guys for the support! I know what i did is the right thing to do, even though she is threatening to see a laywer tomorrow. I did not ask her to move out, but she says she doesn't want to keep avoiding coming home to see baby because of me. Her guilt is really killing her and i am not adding anything to that. I will see a laywer just in case for an free consultation, just for information. I am now going dark and refusing to respond to her poison, unless it is validation.

[Mach1]

I will see a laywer just in case for an free consultation, just for information.

THAT.....Is for YOU , and to protect yourself..

Use that as a shield, instead of a sword.

She doesn't have to or need to know about any of that...


But since you are....

Pick the meanest , toughest, SOB in three counties to consult with...

Doesn't mean you have to use them if the time comes for that, but it does mean SHE can't, after a consult with you...

I called it, my $100 insurance policy...: )

How is reading the resources coming along ?

[seeking answers]

SAH,

I'm glad you listened and are not going to move out. Absolutely see a lawyer and find out your rights in your state.

I wish I'd seen one (as I was advised) before I was served. It would have made the whole process less scary because I would have known what to expect and what my rights were.

Stay stable and calm. W will be angry because things didn't go according to her plan. Keep your cool and give her no ammunition to use against you. Stay as clear from her as you can. Be prepared as W will most likely try to draw you in to her drama.

Carry your share of the load at home and make sure you spend lots of quality time with your daughter.

If your W wants a D, then let her do all the heavy lifting for it.

Strap in SAH, it's a heck of a ride. You're doing awesome for someone who just arrived.

[tested metal]

Wow. Know I know where my D get her temper tantrums from! W notified me via text she was going out tonight. I said please be safe and have fun, even asked if she wanted supper before she left. She replied no. When she came home she stormed in, slammed the door to out bedroom and procedded to get ready. Meanwhile I had been doing housework the whole time, kinda ignoring the tantrum. She then comes out all hooched up with her F me boots on and tries to make sure i know she is going out. Told her have a great night. I was almost having a hrad time trying not to laugh at the sitch.
-Mach, I have been reading the resources every night and at work. Work is slow and it actually helps me as a therapist. I am seeing a lot of the mistakes I have made counseling couples, so if anything comes of this I will at least hone my counseling skills and help others. i am also reading Jim Conway's book.

Alright, another question for ya'll. My MIL and FIL are great people to me and I want to make sure that they know that whatever happens, I will make sure they will have access to visit their granddaughter. I know that this is a #1 fear for grandparents. Problem is that they kinda are a reason why W is like this so if they know what's going on, they will probably give her hell and then crud rolls downhill. However, she may also lie to them to get money (has been past experience, just finding out now)and use it to lawyer up. I know that I can't control what they do, but i know that W will wait until the last possible minute to tell them (after D ink has dried 20 yrs. :)) I did give her an ultimatum weeks ago that she needed to tell them about separation by Aug 1. (moving date) or I would. That may have been a mistake, but do I follow through. Looking for opinions and suggestions from the experienced.

Thank you for all your help! You are very valuable to me. God Bless!

[tested metal]

P.S. I am interested to know if Hearts Blessings post on the stages of MLC is an actual psychological theory and if so who's is it. I am fascinated by how specific it seems to be and how i can see about where my W is in the process.

[sleeper]

...she tried everything from guilt to spewing...

BINGO

Ya done good, bro !

You may move to the front of the class.

[sleeper]

BTW,

Amidst all this celebration and "high fives", don't fool yourself by thinking you have any control on the outcome of this. You only control YOU.

The Shuttle image is good. She's set on a course, fired her rockets and she's left that marriage.

Don't let yourself be pulled along behind. I guarantee you'll get burned.

[Thundarr]

Shell, you and I have a great deal in common as I am also an MFT and was completely blindsided by this whole ordeal. Like you, I had little to no knowledge of this and actually thought it was a pop culture myth or something. Whoa, have I found out different now. I can't believe my W's behavior and, even though I'm not sure of an OM at this point, would not be surprised at anything she did.

I'm amazed at how you're putting such a positive spin on things. You're able to see the PA as a positive at this point? Make sure and take care of yourself, man, and don't let yourself become a doormat. This will be the hardest road you have ever travelled most likely, and to call it a rollercoaster is the perfect metaphor for it. To me, the worst part is that there are no guarantees that things will work out in the end so we have to grieve now while also making the decision whether to stand for the marriage or not. I am, but question my decision every day. And, of course, most of my friends think I'm nuts and that I should just leave her in the past due to how she's treated me and the kids. It's everyone's personal decision, but I feel like my W will get back to being someone I can love because I certainly don't love who she is now. Or rather I don't love how she is now.

Listen to the advice on here, but try to filter out negativity because it creeps into every board. I've found it most helpful to listen to those either going through this now or who have successfully reconciled. That's just my personal preference and my way of staying as positive as I can. Good luck to you and feel free to let me know if you want to consult on anything. I think this will make me a better therapist in the long run, but I certainly feel like an absolute failure as a therapist at times because I may not even be able to save my own marriage.