Well I did say hE needed to stop what he was doind right now and we could try to make this work. Does that count? I realize the longer he's in it the harder to get out! But why so often do people Say"oh that won't last long" when they hear of the affair? Bottom line_ he doesn't want out??
Well I did say hE needed to stop what he was doind right now and we could try to make this work. Does that count? I realize the longer he's in it the harder to get out! But why so often do people Say"oh that won't last long" when they hear of the affair? Bottom line_ he doesn't want out??
LJGH, do you have your own thread somewhere? I don't want to keep hijacking COG's.
Sorry COG. Yes I do. I'm on my phone and am having a hard time getting around on it here. But I would appreciate if u could give me some advice on this. Feels I am stuck or doing the wrong thing. Thanks
Yesterday was a bad day. One of our cats unexpectedly passed away. I don't know if there are any pet-lovers on this forum, but if there are, you know what I mean when I say my W takes it hard when a pet dies... even more so, unexpectedly. We consoled together at the vet's office. Our embrace was short & awkward. Other than shared tears & memories, that's pretty much the extent of our comforting one another.
W's birthday is coming up in a few days. I want to give her flowers (as opposed to roses), even more so because of the cat.
Interesting note regarding W's birthday. She has always celebrated the days leading up to her birthday by being pampered. This year is different, because I'm not the one from whom she expects the pampering. I have, however, remembered this tradition by giving her one of her favorite must-have candies. I did that on the first day. She didn't ask, and she was ecstatic that I remembered. Guess what? I discovered OM gave her the same candy, later that day!
It's a silly and petty thing over which to be bothered, but I found it oddly peculiar that we thought of the same special item on the same day. It makes me wander if W has trained OM exactly how she trained me.
I just wanted to say how sorry I was about your cat. We lost a beloved dog (14+ years old) on Sunday, so I know how you feel. My entire family has taken it really hard. Pets truly are God's little slices of pure unconditional love.
Trying to be optimistic here Ok so you and OM gave her the same piece of candy. It may not seem immediately appearantly but you have just established that whatever good romantic qualities OM has you do too. I wouldn't make too much of a deal, but its a little grain of sand in your favor. Eventually if you keep adding grains you can tip the scales.
Even though it would appear to be counterintuitive (at first), the concept of DBing makes complete sense. Despite that, my fear is if I adhere to the DB principles, W (who suggested we spent too much time together) will now consider me inaccessible. Marriages experience troubles for a variety of reasons, one being the amount of togetherness - either too much, or not enough. Any advice on not having the fear of swinging the pendulum in the opposite (yet equally problematic) direction? I would think there must be a fallacy in my reasoning, but I'm not sure what it is.
My advice is to trust the DB principles. Detaching, GALing, not pursuing, etc. . . . they may all seem counterintuitive, but you gotta kinda figure that our own lousy "instincts" are what got us here in the first place, right??
Even though it would appear to be counterintuitive (at first), the concept of DBing makes complete sense. Despite that, my fear is if I adhere to the DB principles, W (who suggested we spent too much time together) will now consider me inaccessible. Marriages experience troubles for a variety of reasons, one being the amount of togetherness - either too much, or not enough. Any advice on not having the fear of swinging the pendulum in the opposite (yet equally problematic) direction? I would think there must be a fallacy in my reasoning, but I'm not sure what it is.
Sorry you are here. You are getting some good advice. I don't agree with all of it, but so what?
I'm not clear on what your w would SAY the issues are in the m but that would help us know what your 180s should be.
What are your 180s??
Also, I don't really buy the "can't afford to GAL" arguments much.
YES YOU CAN GAL...here are a few suggestions, audition for community theater, volunteer for Hospice or at a hospital, coach a team, exercise, work at a soup kitchen, a women's shelter, volunteer at a Churh or join a Church group, help with the Boys Clubs, Boy Scouts, play on a team, take a class, help with ANY of the above, MEET NEW PEOPLE, and get a support system.
When we lived in Alaska, I did all of the above, literally. Seems hard but it makes life easier. The hardest part is overcoming our inertia, our resistance.
Besides, your w essentailly told you to GAL.
Protect yourself financially without being vindictive.
Tell as few people as possible about her A if you want to reconcile. You're supposed to keep the road home, paved and smooth. Don't make it harder than it already will be, for her to come back.
There are different views on confronting A's, as you know. But all agree that anything reeking of punishment, won't go well.
You'll look petty and manipulative
and this will justify her choices, in her mind.
Beat the OM by being the better man.
Be the man your w fell in love with. What did HE look like?
Can you envision a reconciliation with your w, someday, in which you'd both be happy?
In order to reconcile,
At some point, you will have to be able to show her that marriage to you would be better or different, than before...
which means- YOU MUST WORK ON YOU.
So, what are you doing for YOU to become the best you that's possible?
ONCE YOU HAVE WORKED TO BECOME TRULY THE BEST COG THAT YOU CAN BECOME,
leave the results up to God.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
