Yes, he is still broken, but at least its not too crazy anymore. And I think its because I have really learned not to react too much.
I have a few days of peace and quiet as he is out of the country for a week on business. He hasn't called yet, its been two days, but has emailed me a couple of times, with short cheerful messages. I have been cleaning the house this weekend, suddenly realizing that last year I did not do a general cleaning at all due to my depression and our house has accumulated so much stuff! I have been throwing away so much - old clothes, shoes, paper, notebooks! D12 and I also are in the process of fixing her room, and H has blessed it and given us a good budget to buy a new bed and a small LCD TV for D12. Plus he also said we should fix up our guestroom, change the floors and have it repainted. Guess he is in this for the long haul, eh? To think we were thinking of selling the house next summer when we were having so much trouble.
He was nice before he left. I felt connected to him like I haven't been for the past few weeks the evening before he left - I was helping him pack in our bedroom when D12 came in, wanting a hug from him. He was in the bathroom then but I could see them through the mirror, and it made me smile coz they were so sweet. As they walked back to the room, H looked at me for a long time, and somehow, a loving feeling went through both of us, and he gave me a warm smile. I still feel the glow of that smile!
I get a thought every now and then that maybe he isn't calling me, but maybe he is talking to OW. I push away those kinds of thoughts - what can I do if he is? Again, I just need to sit back and watch how this all plays out. I love H very much, and once in a while I allow myself to think of our good times, our past, what we can have again, and cry a few tears. When I am by myself, I do sometimes get back the resentment and anger, and the impatience, and once in a while feel like giving up, like in my post the other day. Good thing I can vent here, or with other frineds. But those times are fewer now.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Sorry to hear that he is still deep in MLC. I think the difficult part about your sitch is that he's with you at home. I think space helps. In learning from my H, they put on a happy face a lot because they think they should, not because they are happy. And we think we can tell the difference but we can't always. When they do that, they aren't being true to themselves and in a way, leave us to blame (because they feel pressured to seem happy for us). The best thing I can recommend is to work on being happy, genuinely happy, regardless of his mood. If he realizes that you don't need him to "be happy", the pressure is off him a bit. But then it also makes them want to be happy with you. It's not easy, and it's got to be genuine. But in the end, it will really help because as you know, you've still got a long road ahead of you and like you said, you can't rule out that he's not talking to OW or planning to leave again. ((Angel))
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I am just thankful for the advantages of H being home, mainly that is being provide D12 with 2 parents. He is still very much a good Dad, and takes care of her very well. He also takes care of his responsibilities, such as the household finances, the bills, the trash in the same old perfectionist manner he always had.
I feel though that he does make it a point to show that he is unhappy at home or when he is with me, as contrasted to when he is out . Not all the time though - lately we had some fun times. He does seem to like planning things so that on weekends we get to go somewhere, not stuck at home together which sometimes stil feels awkward.
For me, the detachent is really so important. I could not survive without being detached. Usually I am successful, but once in a whle, I can't help but think thoughts like: I want to know where he is with OW. I know they still talk and text; but I keep wondering what he tells her, what kind of relationship they have, is she waiting for him to one day leave us (which I feel will not happen, that even he does not consider in the near future) or merely content to be an OW?
But also, if he is staying, and he has said in so many ways and acts like he is, even planning house projects with me, and trips in the future - why does he seem not to want to even try to really reconcile in the true sense of the word? Why does he seem to be holding back? I know he cares, the way he takes care of me, but it seems like he won't even admit it to himself. Will he ever do so?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I may be on the verge of making a mistake, or maybe not. I don’t know, so I’m throwing this out there for comments. Cyrena, 25 yrs, my other buddies, I hope you read this.
I haven’t been posting much because nothing much has been happening. I am in true limbo, and have been for quite sometime now.
H is still home, and outwardly, we are still acting like a married couple. We just came from vacation for a week with D12, and had fun exploring the ruins at Athens and the streets of London.
At times, we talk, about this and that. Nothing deep, nothing that makes us connect. No R talk. Nothing about emotions, feelings, decisions. Rarely even anything funny. Mostly either about clothes, shopping, food. Not even about D12 at this point.
Inside I am slowly dying. Nothing earthshaking, I know, but I feel like a candle that is slowly being burned down to its end.
Things between us have deteriorated, to the point that:
We are no longer intimate, haven’t been for 2 months now. At first, I missed it badly, but now, I don’t even feel my sex drive anymore.
He flinches when I even so much as touch him. We still sleep in the same bed but its been the clinging to the edge of the mattress scenario. If in my sleep I touch or roll close to him, he pushes my offending part away. Once he even did it so hard I yelped and got mad at him. And yet conversely, he still is so dependent on me. Work issues, household stuff, even laundry and socks …..
He barely looks at me now. I still don’t think that he looks at me with hatred, but more with resentment. Or indifference, maybe.
I don’t even feel that we are friends. He never shares anything with me, even things like he went to a concert with his family, or that members of his family are coming to visit. If I don’t learn from them, I wouldn’t know. He plans things with our D, then only talks to her about it, letting me know indirectly. Yesterday I complained of his rudeness, said all that I expected was common courtesy, and he snorted “common courtesy?” but he did proceed to be nice to me the rest of the day. This has happened a few times, where he pushes me to the edge, I blow up, and then he is nice for a couple of weeks or so. I think I tend to over-react though.
It’s a roller coaster still. On his part, he alternates doing nice things, like buying me an expensive gift, then being withdrawn, then bringing our whole family on vacation, taking care of us, and then being rude. He explodes at me for small things, like talking to a door to door salesman, warning me not to let anyone in the house while when he is not here, being so concerned for our safety.
He told a friend of ours that he feels he is a good person, that he has our welfare in mind, implied he would not leave his family, break up his family, and that he will take care of us, even if he feels that he never really loved me. Yet he maintains contact with OW, emailing her how seeing the restaurants in her hometown reminded him of their past, and how he was getting emotional.
OW said “yes, they were good memories” I know I snooped, but sometimes I have this overwhelming need to know, and had the perfect opportunity.
About me, I also am on a roller coaster but lately have been “floating”, as my D12 calls it. No motivation. Even my “standing” status is shaky. My prayers feel hollow and forced sometimes. I cry easily, having a few meltdowns here and there. I wallow in self pity. My self esteem is low. I feel used, discarded, rejected.
I do feel professionally OK though and when with my friends am happy.
So what am I thinking of doing?
3 days ago, D12 told me she did not like to go back to her school, and that she wanted to go somewhere else.
I told her about my various job options, that a company across the country has expressed interest in me.
She said, why don’t we move there? I asked her “what about your Dad?” and she said – its OK, as long as I could get to see him once in a while it will be fine.
I asked her if she is aware that we might be asking for trouble (causing the break-up of the family). She said – it might lead to the other way around he might finally realize what it is like to miss us. Also, that she knows how stressful it is for us to be together, knowing the situation we are in.
This opened a whole new world of possibilities for me, as previous to this; D12 was one for my reasons for staying….. But if she thinks she will be happy away from her Dad……
I submitted my application for the job. Now I don’t know what to do if they are interested….I think they will be….Now I am faced with the possibility of making a big decision.
I am afraid though that leaving is like giving up. I don’t want to give up 5 mins before the miracle….I believe in my vows…I believe God is working on restoring my M…..but at the same time, will this move make me a better person? Is it the best for D12? For H?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Things between us have deteriorated, to the point that:
We are no longer intimate, haven’t been for 2 months now. At first, I missed it badly, but now, I don’t even feel my sex drive anymore.
He flinches when I even so much as touch him. We still sleep in the same bed but its been the clinging to the edge of the mattress scenario. If in my sleep I touch or roll close to him, he pushes my offending part away.
Wow Angel: All of that hits so close to home. All of this happended to me starting last winter and it gradually got worse until she went back to spleeping on the couch and finally filed for D. Exact same behaviors. I would never advocate taking a child away from their parent so far but Imine are much younger and need both of us right now. Your sitch may be different and I'm new to this. There are alot more experienced DBers out there who can give some good advice.
that's a tough question. I recognize the situation. As you may recall, I DBd even when I didn't want to, b/c we had two d's at home still
I wanted stability for them. I frequently asked them their biggest fears in the event that a divorce took place ( I never brought that word up, but they did).
Their biggest fears, for both of them, was moving again. So, staying here was paramount.
If that had been different, then that would be different...AND if I believed that somehow my d's would be better off without h around,
that would have been different.
Though things are good here, and I'm glad we reconciled... I still wonder at times if I made the right decision. How can I wonder?
Well, when we do fight in front of the girls today, I see my oldest d and her anger at h flaring up again. And I wonder...."what if I had left h, and met some new guy who treated me really well, started fresh, etc, so that d22 had no bad memories resurfacing and haunting her?" Do you get that?
Anyhow, I also wonder about this for your situation.... Your d doesn't seem to be saying SHE would be happier without h around so much as that she hopes it wakes him up.
Sounds more like a tactic to get him back doesn't it? WHat if it backfires?
How would SHE be then? And you? You might be alright b/c you would have clarity and eventually you'd move on (correct me if I'm wrong on those assumptions....)
but would your d be alright if she ends up losing a lot of time with her dad and it does NOT lead him home
but leads him to the arms of OW? Will she feel responsible?
My guess is that his behavior right now is 1) CONFLICTED, (duh) and
2) maybe he wants you to make the decision to leave, so he's pushing you away?? The resentment may be due to his feelings of being trapped by duty, which he blames on you. By freeing him to leave, I wonder if the resentment would lessen as you hold HIM responsible for HIS choices...
meaning, you tell him, either leave or stay, BUT if you stay, you have to TRY. Otherwise, he's making all of you miserable. Only say this, if you believe it Angel.
Do you? Would you be happier without his rejection in your face, assuming the only thing he is capable of giving you is what he's giving you now? AND what about your d? Is she simply seeing you in so much pain that she's willing to do anything to fix You? Is that fair to her?
When you h mistreats you, I think Then he feels bad about setting such a poor example in front of your d, so he slinks back and tries to get close again. But it's not a real effort.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's such a tough spot!!
Make sure you know your d's wishes thoroughly and regardless of what your h does in response....
After all, she'd have to start over with friends. IT gets harder in middle school (Unless she's starting new as a first year student at the new place? That's a tad easier). Moving during high school seemed Impossible for us, unless the child is miserable where they were, and somehow IDK if that improves with a move...
Check that all out with her.
And btw, what would happen if you accidentally let your h know that you are serious about moving and taking her with you? Could THAT lead to change?
What about going to Retrovaille or MC?
I also worry that your d is trying to fix you guys and how this is affecting her feelings of responsibility for your m.
Finally, How are you taking care of yourself Angel?
Remember, to save the m, (if its' possible), we have to attract.
Anger, Sadness, grief, pain written all over our faces, (however justified,)
is not attracting...
and that's so hard to deal with, I know...
Sorry you're in this situation.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Been a while since I visited your thread. Though life ebbs and flows, it doesn't appear as though your H has changed at all. You still struggle with that which is missing in your M. I admire you for "standing", and I hope it is not taking a heavy toll on you.
He wants how OW makes him feel, but he doesn't want to break up D12's family. Is that it? My XW isn't any different, endorphins, feelings, same old excuses. So she divorced me but remains in the home (with my permission) for the sake of S12.
Actually I envy you a little bit, not in any sense you might expect though. "Out of the mouths of babes" is what grabbed me from your post. Frankly, I'd love it if my S12 would suggest his divorced parents no longer live as roommates. That would be music to my ears. Yes it's taken a toll.
Prayers Pickle
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Hey, for you to say this is a tough one means it is a real challenge. You always have a firm stand on a lot of things that it made me nervous to see you unsure.....
My D: she looks at it in different ways. Mainly, she says that her selfish self is tired of our small town, the drama in school, and wants a change. If it means leaving behind her dad, so be it. The situation at home is secondary, she says she senses the tension, she really doesn't want to meddle, she just knows that when H leaves for trips we have more of a sense of calmness and peace between us, although she complains that I am not a good cook. You know, she has a precedent here, cause when I was 12, I left my hometown, to go to a boarding school to take advantage of a scholarship for kids gifted in the sciences, MY CHOICE! I guess I was also running away at that time from over protective parents who also had their own issues.
When I did bring up the possible consequence that it may lead to a divorce as well as a reconciliation, she did say that it made her feel stuck. Oh no, we are all stuck right now!
Regarding my H: Obviously he is still conflicted, but it may change if our situation continues to be like this. I know he seems to once in a while try to see if there is hope for us, and honestly I do try to rise to the occasion, but again, until the OW is gone, and until real feelings come back, I don't think there will be anything there. Bt the feeling I get is one of discouragement - and not just from him, but from me too.
And of course there is the resentment, as you said, that he is duty bound to take care of us. I think he realizes that this is coming from himself, not me, as he told ur friend, he is a good person inside.
Pickle, one thing I can say: be careful of what you wish for! Sometimes it is so much easier to just go with the flow, rather than to have to make decisions.
Honestly, sometimes I just feel so TIRED!
Most of the time though I am not really in pain..... I am able to work, H seems to plan anything and everything just to fill in the empty days, we go shopping, eating out, watch movies, etc.
I don't want to be left alone with him so when he is home I do the laundry, clean endlessly. I feel awkward making small talk. Sometimes we have work to talk about then that is something I enjoy, intellectual discussions.
That is why having him gone seems like such a relief.
25, I don't think I am ready yet to mean it though, but someday I might just. Retroucaille has been always one of my plans, but ot while he is still obviously in pain about his impending loss of OW (that is how it seems to me, he is holding on to the pain, that is why he seems so miserable all the time. It is a prolonged goodbye, with backsliding every now and then).
Agaian, I am reminding myself that if anything, I have the gift of TIME, and I have to use it wisely.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Angel, I have thought a lot about your postings, and I feel very sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
I think you had great advice from 25years. My perspective is different - I am nearly 6 years post bomb, and although my xh is now mostly civil [after years of rage], he has been absent for almost all of the time.
What I am trying to say by this is - most MLC take a very long time to work through. The short ones are truly the exception. So plan for the long haul. The second point is that it is both your journey and his, and I am not sure that waiting around on either side is a good idea [although some great success stories like HB occurred when their spouses never left] Wait by all means, as I did, in the sense that I got on with my own journey, but it doesn't have to be in the stultifying conditions of a single house.
we do not give up on people by leaving them to get on with their journey. A relationship takes two committed people to make it work, imho, although I think we can make positive changes on our own.
While I do think children benefit from having two committed parents, loving co-parenting in separated parents is possible, and I also know people who stayed together 'for the sake of the children' and the children hated the tension.
I think what I am saying is perhaps it is time for you and your daughter to move forward in your journey. It seems to me you h is stuck and holding you back. You have clearly DBed, and it could be the time to do something different.
I am glad I moved on, as my xh is still in MLC. If we had stayed together in the same house, while he worked out his MLC, I do not believe I would have made the personal growth, and forged the strong bonds with my children and made the friendships I did. Do I miss my xh? - very much for the man he was. Not at all for the person he now is . . .
I hope I do not come across as anti marriage. But I am not pro marriage at all costs.
