LL, I agree. Try to get H to go with you and if he shows NO interst then go out and have a fantastic time with gf.
I'm thinking maybe we can have a contest of sorts as to who's H has been the most boring as of late.
Mine has taken to the Rupelstilskin way of life also!
I'm asking myself is he just bored being around me and tried to escape through sleep, or is he depressed?
I only see signs of depression when he's with me. Around others he seems perkier, although no matter where we are the lights go out for him if we're not actively DOING something.
He NEVER gets through a movie unless it's a real bang, bang, shoot em up, chase em down type.
Staying home with him by the fire watching a movie means I enjoy the fire, and I watch the movie by myself, and I get the added enjoyment of watching him sleep and twitch around.
He never wants to go to bed with me in OUR house. He wants to go back to that hole in the wall Apt he lives in.
After I offered to come over and wake him up New Years Day and he opted to go to breakfast at his sister's, that sent me a pretty clear message to me of his priorities.
It helped me to rethink mine. There's gonna be some changes folks. Rachael is gonna start thinking about what Rachael wants for a change. Rachael
I get the impression that you want all of your feelings for your H to vanish, then there would be nothing he could do to get back in your good graces. That way you never have to make the hard choices, ie show some cohones. But you know, if you are a waw, you will not be doing that from strength. You need to take this head on.
Your plans for yourself are good. But that is what it is - for yourself. But what are you risking? What exactly do you want from your marriage and what are you willing to do to get it?
Siny if that plan is develish than I am a devil...I've already done such things...the last two times my friends have gotten together I've let him know when they were getting together (it's a group some couples some not but all good fun) and told him if he wanted to come I'd get a sitter...he never said anything else about it so when those days came I went alone and left him to tend to the kids.
see the thing is...h really isn't phased but it I think he'd rather stay home alone..that way he doesn't have to feel guilty for ignoring me and falling asleep.
I get the impression that you want all of your feelings for your H to vanish, then there would be nothing he could do to get back in your good graces. that is not what I WANT to happen but I know that is what's going to happen...what I've been trying to explain and no one seems to understand it...not h and not even people here so caught up in the whole "love is a choice" bit. That way you never have to make the hard choices, ie show some cohones. But you know, if you are a waw, you will not be doing that from strength. You need to take this head on. so then imp why don't you stop beating around the bush and give me some clear cut suggestions?
Your plans for yourself are good. But that is what it is - for yourself. well if he's content just living his life why shouldn't I live my life? But what are you risking? if I don't get back to myself and focus on my own life then I'll be risking far more. What exactly do you want from your marriage and what are you willing to do to get it? how many times do I have to list what it is I want from my m? I want a friend...I want to laugh..I want to share jokes and little stories from the day..I want to spend time together learning about and enjoying this wonderful world we live in...I want affection...I want to be more than just "the wife" what am I willing to do to get it?? well aparently I'm willing to be cheated on in hopes that he learned something from that r, I'm willing to be left to the wolves with two babies, I'm willing to be ignored, I'm willing to wait half my freakin life already..I'm not really willing to do much more.
I have given you suggestions. You don't want to hear them. You said you have tried everything but an ultimatum. So I suggested the ultimatum and be willing to follow it through. Then you said you don't have the stones to do that. If you let it just fade naturally, you will be a waw. If you put an ultimatum on the floor, you will not be. What is preferable? Waiting isn't going to change things.
LL, I really think you are a very good woman who deserves better than what she is getting. You have put up with crap and have tried. I do applaud you for that.
As I have thought about your situation, everything you say intimates that it is hopeless. So, if you give an ultimatum, one of two things will happen. Either nothing will change and you will start a process of removing your H from life or your h will get the idea and start changing which also may require him to go away from you for a while too. You did what i did a few years ago. I came back home and nothing was fixed. Look where it got me. Your H is still home, so you still have a chance to fix it. Take the chance because from what you say, there really is no down side.
the down side is it will get ugly....I've already told h to leave if he's not going to participate in this r...he boldly states "I'm not going anywhere" and when I tell him I sometimes feel like taking the kids and running away his response is "you can't handle these kids" oh really??? who comes here and helps me take care of them all day every day then????
If I were to sit h down tonight and tell him I want him to leave and I'm filing for d...I'd have to have him legally removed from the house and he would proceed to make things very difficult for me and for the kids...no he wouldn't deprive them financially but things would get ugly.
so really what is my option RIGHT NOW??? right now I am not in a position to have him removed if it comes to it..I don't work and if I did get a job it would require putting the kids in day care of some kind as they are not in school.
I'm tired of giving ultimatums...when I'm ready to do it for real I will and there will be no changing my mind..h has been warned several times of the path he walks..he doesn't feel like taking any detours or changing the scenery so ...so be it...
funny isn't it that h has made plans with bil to come here and watch football with him this weekend but cannot be bothered to make plans to do anything with me...the only reason we were even awake new years eve is because I invited our friends over...I say our friends becuase the h went to school with h from elementary through hs and the w has become my friend (and not just the wives friend but a real friend) otherwise h probably would have fallen asleep on the couch as it was his plan to watch football and wait he did watch football but had to play board game with us.
You do know you are impossible. An ultimatum implies consequences if the request is not heeded. And if when you are ready, you are not changing your mind, then you haven't given an ultimatum, you have become a walkway wife.
I assume you have come this board because you want to bust a divorce. So be bold. And what makes you think it will be any less ugly when you decide that you have had enough.
It looks to me as if you are in a very unrewarding marriage, with a H who couldn't care less, and the reason you are staying, other than love for your H, is that you are financially dependent on him, am I right? How about this as a strategy - you start working on how you might become financially independent over the next year or three - say by getting some training or doing part time work or whatever. Move in that direction. The more independent you can become, the less H can sit on his arse and expect you to stay for financial reasons. Either he wakes up (you can spell out your needs to him) or else you move on, knowing you can get on without him. You wouldn't be just walking out on him, but he could see you mean business!
Just a thought. I have the same financial issues on my end... but I am working on them.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I came to this board becuase my h was having an affair with one of his customers and had moved out and said he wanted a D. When I first found out about ow (and mind you though h now admits to it being more than just an ordinary friendship he still denies any pa (ya right!)) I wanted a d...h at first agreed but then changed his mind...wanted to work on us...tried..we did more etc..but I wanted to talk about ow and uncover the truth about that r and find some reasons....h didn't stop talking to her but lied....eventually h couldn't lie anymore and moved out...I honestly don't know why I wanted to save the m as there really wasn't much of a m to begin with...there really was nothing to miss while he was gone cept for a breathing corpse on the couch. When he came back things were different..he was awake..attetive...affectionate...talkative etc...all the things I had wanted him to be. but he was still talking to her (proof from home phone records he was calling her from here when I'd go out, each time giving me the lame excuse that he was calling to end it with her...sheesh how many times do you have to have that conversation????) who the hell knows he may still be talking to her.
My kids are now 4 and 2 IMP and that makes a difference...son was a wreck while h was gone and then he had just turned 3.
I will not be a waw when and if I do finally leave...
is this not an ultimatum....
h if things don't change eventually I will get fed up and leave...may be a year may be two but eventually if things don't change I will be gone.
no a waw..just stops complaining not giving that warning...I will not be classified under the same category as these women who freak out over nothing and leave...I have legit complaints and got stuck with a wah...when I go I wont be a waw...I'll be doing both h and I a favor.
he's happier without me and it appears other than the fear of the "family" I'm better off without him too!
He knows exactly what's going on he just doesn't know wtf to do about it anymore...he's dug his whole so deep and isn't handy enough to make a ladder and refuses to tie any knots in the rope I threw down there for him...so there he sits in his hole.
