Hi, everyone, yet another newbie here to the DB community. I believe that this topic would more appropriately fall under the "Infidelity" category, but since it's my first official post here, it might as well fall under the "Newcomer" heading.
Both my wife and I are in our mid-twenties. We met in college, fell in love, moved in together for over four years, then married each other two years ago. In many ways, we had a very solid and mature relationship. We also had our share of ups and downs, with many more downs that I would have liked. Part of it is that this was my first and only relationship with ANYBODY (I was a loner growing up and didn't ever really date), so I made a lot of rookie mistakes. In addition, early in the relationship, I developed a kind of mental-only OCD that soon came to define who I was. Thoughts that usually don't bother other people shocked, disturbed, and worried me, and so I spent hours analyzing them for meaning and significance. This was perhaps the most destructive part of our relationship as every thought that bothered me had something to do with my wife (the way she looked, comparisons between her and other women, that sort of thing) and was thus extremely hurtful. Though I believe it was a kind of disorder, I made many mistakes in failing to handle it, and now the damage has been done.
Over the past year, my wife made frequent hints that she was unhappy with us -- even going so far as to mention that if our sex life didn't get better, she felt like she was going to "have an affair" with somebody else. I foolishly chose not to get too worried about these "hints." I arrogantly assumed that everything would just take care of itself in time and that we would always be together.
About a month and a half ago, only a month shy of our second anniversary, she revealed to me that she had met someone else at work and had begun an affair with him. (She told me this the day after she had slept with him for the first time, so I must admire her honesty in the matter.) During this period, she was extremely apologetic and upset at herself about her actions, said that I was a wonderful person who deserved better, and proclaimed that we would "probably get back together" after she spent a year finishing her internship in another state. Right now, she reasoned, she felt like she needed to pursue this other relationship until she moved. We would be separated during the next year, she told me, but she was not seeking a divorce. All she needed, she explained, was "space."
I immediately started doing all the usual "chasing" behaviors -- long-winded e-mails, frequent text messages, frequent phone calls. To my frustration, her remorse seemed to disappear, only to be replaced by annoyance at me. Worse, her relationship with the OM seemed to take off even faster with each passing day. Next thing I know, she wants a legal separation, soon to be followed by a divorce. She also informs me that the OM will be moving to live with her in her new state of residence. She is now blaming me in a variety of ways for ruining our relationship to the point of dissolution.
When she left, I felt like all hope was lost, but something inside me did not want to give up on us so easily. In situations like these, I research like a madman, and sooner or later, I caught wind of Michele's "Divorce Remedy." I picked up a copy and began underlining it furiously. I also read "After the Affair" and "Not Just Friends," two excellent books about infidelity that have really helped me understand what has been going on in my wife's head. All three of these books have become my lifeline during this time. If I had tried dealing with this without all of the useful information in those books, I would have definitely lost her for good.
I chose to finally post today because we had a "talk" last night. After a month and a half, she has informed me that she loves the OM so much that she is planning on marrying him someday and having his baby -- when we were just planning our kid's names less than three months ago. In my theory, the person I used to know as my wife has exited the building, only to be replaced by the "alien" so many people mention on this site; even her own family doesn't understand her anymore. At that point, I made up my mind not to trust everything that comes out of my wife's mouth as the pure truth, but it still scared me that I heard something so definite about the fact that she loves somebody else and no longer sees me in her future as anything else than a friend and a lost cause.
Today, I realized that if I was going to have any chance of getting through what is undoubtedly the hardest time of my life so far, I knew I was going to need some help. And wouldn't I be the biggest idiot if I didn't look to the countless people who have been or are in the same boat that I am now? I now officially join the thriving group of DB-ers who are far from giving up on their marriages, even though their spouses think otherwise.
Any comments, pieces of advice, or stories of people who have been in my shoes before are greatly welcomed. To be honest, I scanned the amazing count of success stories in the "Another Divorce Busted!" section during my entire lunch break today. I now feel confident that, no matter how bleak and horrible it looks for me, there is still hope. So many others have been where I am now and have lived to see their spouses come back happier than ever before! I will do anything to get my wonderful woman back and become the man that we both always knew I could be!
Hi west. First some advice on posting here. How much you get out of the community here depends on how willing you are to be proactive about seeking advice. For the best chance of getting advice, you need to keep all your posts in one thread and keep bumping it with daily journalling.
If you can stick it out, what you are about to go through could potentially change you forever (in a good way), no matter what happens with your relationship.
It sounds like you are already starting with the basics (not pursuing, pleading, trying to convince here with words) so that is good. The next step I would advise is to make a list of all the things she has complained about, and work on setting them straight. Note that you are not doing this for her, you are doing this for you. You are taking her feedback, and using it to become a better person. ie. do not make superficial changes intended to impress her or "win her back".
Post back, let us know what you are working on changing. Remember, you can't change her, you can only change you.
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Have you talked to an attorney yet? Considering how fast your wife seems to be fleeing from the marriage, and how fleshed out her plans seem to be, I'd strongly advise it if you haven't already done so. It doesn't mean you have to file for divorce (if you disagree with what your wife is doing, you should make HER do all the heavy lifting in this area), but it's just wise to better understand your rights and responsibilities here.
I'd also strongly suggest that you separate your finances, ASAP, if you haven't already done so.
Sadly, your wife -- in her current state -- is no friend of your marriage right now, so unfortunately you have to do some things to protect yourself while you simultaneously apply the DB/DR principles (GAL, etc.).
I 100% agree - consulting with an attorney doesn't mean you'll go to court (in fact, a good attorney will encourage you to try mediation first), but it does ensure you understand your rights and responsibilities.
I've suggested several times that my H see an attorney to understand what he is legally entitled to in regards to our son (vs. what I'm giving him and what he *thinks* he's entitled to).
Remember, forewarned is forearmed.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
Spellfire: Thanks for the first words and advice, and great sig quote as well -- I feel that it says a lot about the person I used to be and now want to get rid of. I believe that this entire experience is already changing me so much; I have chosen to see all of it as a positive thing, whether it hurts or not. I feel that if my W hadn't done the things that she had, I never would have experienced the kind of "system shock" that has recently spurred me to make all kinds of changes in my life. I am making these changes just for me as well. I started trying to do things that I thought that "she" would like, but that just felt phony. So here's a list of things that I want changed about me no matter what happens:
--W always did complain that I was never "manly." I take this more in the sense that I cried a lot, whined and complained rather than focused on solutions, acted manipulative to get my needs met, acted very childish, let my emotions and thoughts take control of me, etc.... --I often relied on my W to take care of simple, everyday things because it was "easier" for me. I'm enjoying my time spent on my own because it's forcing me to finally act like a full-on grown-up. --W complained that she felt like she had all of the "power" in the relationship. I interpret this as meaning that I was very dependent on her love and felt like I "needed" her in my life in order to survive. She, on the other hand, did not feel as dependent on my love. More independence and responsibility for my own happiness in life is the answer to that one, I think. --I don't think I worked very hard at assuring my W that she was as beautiful as she is. She always accused my compliments of feeling like "an act." This, I feel, is a complex issue and may have as much to do with her as it does with me -- not too sure right now. I also feel that this is the spark that led to the R with the OM, as she seemingly had no interest in him until he started sweet-talking her and complimenting her constantly. Things took off like a rocket after that. --I'd like to be more in the present as opposed to being in my head. Being in my head for years geared me to be only receptive to my needs and wants rather than the needs and wants of others.
Starsky and girl: Thanks for the legal ideas -- I'd never even thought about going to an attorney. I will probably do so when I have a chance. The thing is, because we're pursuing legal separation, our debts & liabilities are pretty evenly and fairly divided -- her student loans, my student loans, her car, my car, etc. I still might as well go. Even though we're awfully amicable to each other at the moment, things could take a turn for the worst. Might as well know what I can do in such situations in case they happen.
I don't have a lot to update on my situation, but I kind of felt like I had a two-fer today. I was busy guiding a bunch of moving guys to move my stuff to my new apartment when she called me. She asked if I had a chance to talk, and I said sure. She then informed me that her court case had finally been settled (she had been in a scary car wreck about six months ago and had sued over damages) and that she had been awarded the $10K that she had been expecting. However, she also explained that she could not split it with me as she had intended. Originally, our plan was to split that money evenly in order to pay off both of our vehicles, but she explained that because of her new financial situation, she can't follow through -- she can barely afford food and pay her bills as it is.
I've known her for years, so I knew that her sadness and guilt at telling me this was genuine. She also seemed apprehensive to inform me of this fact, as though she were afraid that I would react unfavorably. However, I chose to react like a friend and a gentleman. I told her that it was no problem at all and that it was more important that she buy food and pay her bills. Then I had to let her go very quickly and was unable to chat any further.
Granted, it was because the movers needed to know what to take next, but I feel that I still made myself "less accessible" in doing so. Today, I felt those old twinges that would have normally inspired me to call her back and "touch base" after such a short conversation, but I did not give in to those urges. So far, a lack of communication on my part has been reversing the momentum that had originally pushed her away from me.
However, I'm fully aware that her relationship with the OM is my biggest obstacle at the moment. I forsee that it's only going to get more whirlwind-ish and more pronounced as time goes on, especially after he moves in with her. Given how hard she's been pressing for a D, I'm also expecting that to come sooner than expected. All I can do right now is let time play out, give her LOTS of space, and do my own thing. Can't control her, can only control me, just like so many people on this BB have wisely advised.
Upon looking through advice given by people who were in similar situations (i.e. their S met their new "soul mate" and left to go be with OM/OW), it sounds like the best possible thing I can do is to back off completely and let the A run its course. I can't know for sure whether it will last or not, but based on what I've read from Michele, other DB-ers, and my various books about infidelity, affairs like these will eventually sputter out like the fires they are: crazy-hot and highly explosive, but also quickly-burning and difficult to sustain. No point for me to try and contact her during this time, thus throwing some branches on the fire that might keep it going longer than it needs.
I've been very frustrated that all of my DB-ing has been blocked by her R with OM. As soon as I pulled back, I got an instant response with her contacting ME more and informing me that she missed me/wished I was moving with her rather than OM, but just a few weeks later, her R with OM jumped to the top of the ladder. My guess is that it's a mixture of Stage I infatuation and the guilt that I'm sure she's experiencing but just not telling me about or admitting to herself. There have been numerous times that she's told me that she's felt despair and self-hatred about the A and what it's doing to me, but for every admission of guilt, there was a conversation where she blamed ONLY ME for all of the problems in our relationship and basically informed how much the OM is better than me in so many ways. It's heart-breaking to hear her say this stuff to me, but like so many others have advised, I'm believing none of what I hear until further notice. As much as it hurts, it just doesn't sound like my old wonderful W at all.
I've also been working very hard on "lovingly detaching," which is the other best thing that I can do (besides changing for myself, of course). I got to a point where all I was doing in my free time was surfing DB.com, reading DR and my other books, praying to God about the situation, and writing in my journal about it. I thought to myself, "You know what? I don't feel very attractive doing this," i.e. making her and my R with her the ONLY thing that matters. So I've been trying not to think about her as much or let this sitch be my ONLY sitch in life. GAL, right? She can't respect me if I don't respect myself. I have since been reading, writing, exercising, fixing up my apartment, and just generally staying super-busy. I love keeping busy anyway, but now I feel so much better about myself doing something other than focusing on my sitch.
In many ways, this sitch is a good thing for me -- throughout our relationship, I acted as though her opinion of me was the only thing that really mattered. Subsequently, if she said nasty or hurtful things about me (which she did quite a bit, now that I think about it), I took it very hard and believed it to be the total truth. Given how many other people in my life think of me as a great and generous guy, I'm now taking her opinion as more of a subjective thing. It still matters to me that she felt the ways she did about me for all those years, but I'm learning to separate her opinions and feelings from the total package. Sounds like a good thing to me. To be honest, my self-esteem has shot up ever since I started detaching. I'm a good guy, and if she can't see that right now, that's her problem, not mine.
This separation has really been forcing me to change, which I'm very happy about. If all this had never happened, I never would have changed the way I should have to keep our M going strong. As always, it took some very DRASTIC ACTIONS on her part rather than WORDS to truly get my attention! Now I understand just how unhappy she was and how desperate she felt. In addition, I can feel myself becoming a better and stronger person every day. I thank God very often for this opportunity. It hurts for sure, but I might as well consider it a springboard to becoming a better person rather than victimizing myself, crying about it all day, and holding nothing but hatred for her. That sounds like a bad road for sure.
Oh huge hugs. You are in the same situation I am. My husband walked out with no notice just over 8 weeks ago. A friend (who left her husband just before easter) at work told him he was unhappy. They are now together after having an emotional affair. I know it won't last - actually I'm pretty sure she is just using him - but I need patience to wait whilst their intense relationship (they claim to be so in love with each other after only a few weeks) dies. My husband left due to lack of intimacy. He never ever told me he wasn't happy or that it was a problem. Just one day left.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
Hey, Julz, glad to hear that we're in the same boat (or...rather...not so glad?). It helps to know that there's someone who's going through generally the same problems as I am -- not sure why it does, but it just does. I read through your thread and our sitch's really do sound similar. Your hubby sounded like he was reacting very strangely in the mental department when he decided to split. My W did, too; she said several times when my sitch "began" that she felt confused and as though her mind was "breaking." I imagine your H had a similar experience.
We just gotta keep on truckin' and let our S's do what they have to do. No expectations for either one of us, but somehow it helps to know that every other person's S on this board who has gone through this eventually "came to their senses" (or so it seems to me from what I've read). Have you read "After the Affair" by Janis Springs? I would highly recommend it if you haven't. It goes EXTREMELY in depth into the psychology of both the hurt S and unfaithful S. It's given me a massive amount of insight into what's probably going through W's mind.
I know that we're both pretty uncertain about what will happen, but what IS certain is that the odds are in our favor. For now, I've really come to embrace the idea of letting W go in my heart for the time being. I'm tired of feeling like I need her in my life in order to feel happy. It really makes you feel powerless when you keep thinking that way, and it becomes equally freeing when you realize that you are a great person and capable of being happy all on your own...
I'll have to look up that book. I have the Divorce Remedy and Love Must be tough. I know I don't need my h in my life to be happy. I know I can survive without him. I just don't want to do it. I know that no matter what happens down the track I will be a much better and stronger person. How many weeks in are you? It's 9 weeks this Sunday since he left.
I'm glad to hear the odds are in our favour. Because the OW is a co-worker and has worked with H for 4 years I also know her, and her ex. I contacted him. He actually said to me don't worry have a bet on how long before he comes home. I so hope he's right.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
