Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Thanks, Kaffe. What you said helps me to feel a little more stable.

Each of these things is so big of a change for me, in the most basic ways that I think, and there are so many of them. I know, just one thing at a time. Baby steps.

I am feeling OK today which is mixed news. It is good news, because I am not having as much difficulty coping as I did yesterday, and in that way, I'll take it. But, to be honest, I am doing better because W and I were calmer, more cordial last night, so that just shows I'm still on the roller coaster.

Went to therapy today, and we talked a lot about the roller coaster, although those words were not used. I am realizing now that I have spent a lot of years trying to avoid making W angry, being afraid of her anger. I grew up in a house where loud fighting did not happen (except between the kids), and so it is scary for me. I have to say, it is embarrassing to tell about this, because as I type it I think about how weak and pathetic it must sound. Anyway, she is from a more, er, expressive background, and isn't afraid to be angry. So, I have largely been stuffing myself down into a hole, trying to keep the peace, and now have to learn to respect myself.

Another think keeping me on the roller coaster has been my bent to assume that I am somehow the cause of every bad mood, irritable and angry episode W has. So, when she is angry, I have been worrying about what I did, or what I need to do.

When I tease out all these problems, it looks like so much to try to change, and on such a fundamental level. It is a little (a lot) daunting.

I guess it is one of those "act as if" moments. You know, act as if I didn't believe everything was my fault, and see if, over time, my thoughts don't change. Act as if all I want to do is be myself, and am unmoved by W's responses, and see if I don't develop more courage that way.

And doing all of this, I might be able to listen to W without getting defensive, but rather focusing on how she feels about what she is saying, and how things impact her. I think that would probably be a pretty welcome change from her point of view.

Yes, this really is embarassing to put out there. I feel pretty pathetic admitting to all this stuff, and looking at some of it I feel like I must be a real jerk for acting that way. I think I would probably feel embarassed even if I were just typing it to myself. But I think sometimes the fact that something is uncomfortable to talk about is evidence that it is exactly what I *need* to talk about. At least, the fact that it is so uncomfortable means it is probably something I haven't touched before, so if it is important, I have avoided it so far.

W is going with kids to visit her brother out of state later in August. I have already taken a vacation this year, and although I could probably get the additional time off, I told W I wouldn't be going. I think the time to myself might just be good for me. Just a little "baby step" in terms of detaching.