Can my relationship be saved?

[a girl]

To answer "how I found out" - his OW's husband contacted me to ask me if he was out of town, because she was "being weird" and saying she had to work late and wouldn't see him or the kids for "a couple days". From there, it was easy to confirm - he just asked her, and she admitted it. He then told me.

I knew it, but having it actually confirmed was somehow worse.

My plan is to not say a word about it. H will know that I'm aware, but we don't need to discuss it.

At this point, I won't see him until it's time to tell our son, and then I plan to go to my "cordial hello/goodbye" that should preclude having to converse with him.

I'm not going to do anything crazy. Peeing on strategic books and clothes he really likes is still and option, though.

[NTX_Dad]

This is just heart breaking to hear for both you and your family, and for the OW's family. I am sorry you are going through this.

[~¤DG¤~]

(((Girl)) I am so sorry.

Would you be interested in exchanging emails?
If so, PM your email address.

[a girl]

It says PMs are disabled. Is there a way we're allowed to exchange email? I don't want to violate board rules, but I think emailing with someone else in this boat would help.

I chatted with OW's H a bit today. He makes my heart hurt because he's so delusional - thinks that now that they've met, it'll "make reality set in" and they will "probably break up pretty quickly".

I told him he needs to deal with the reality that *is* - not the one he wishes was.

For me, I got some great advice last night - treat my H like a business partner I am on an important project with. Be cordial and pleasant, but not interested in chit chat or his personal life. I think that will help me navigate the next few weeks.

[JustStunned]

I expect the mods can explain it better but the anonymity of people on this site is maintained for the protection of the people on this site. Some to most of the people on this site have been or are in a pretty vulnerable state. Unfortunately trolls and others wishing to take advantage while not common here could become a problem.

I know the desire to communicate with someone you’ve identified with or think has a good POV to your sitch can be strong. There are people here I would love to have conversations with, but conversations about our sitches are better had with a coach. They are trained.

STBXW is taking the washer and dryer. Peeing in it is one of the most benign acts I have considered. Deciding to take the higher road prevents me from taking revenge. I know well the old Klingon proverb “Revenge is a dish best served cold”

Being confronted with the reality of the affair hurts more. It just does. The mechanisms one has put in place to deign the fear are all ripped away.

There is an opinion that most affairs will be short lived as reality often doesn’t live up to fantasy. I do not have a personal reference for it, but I have seen it happen. I can state healing and reconciling afterward is a b!tch.

I did my best to be businesslike. She perceived it to be cold distant and angry. I probably should have tried to smile more. I know I did my best. You will too.

[a girl]

I'm pretty good at keeping my business-like demeanor "pleasant". It helps that I'm in a job that pretty much requires "act as if" so I have a lot of practice.

The key, for me, is to find a way to be cordial without inviting conversation. I'm thinking I need some stock answers.

Example:
H - "How's X thing at work you mentioned going?"
Me - "Oh, things are fine. Thanks for bringing S7 back - have a good night!"

H - "I'm thinking of taking S7 to do X thing during my time tomorrow ... "
Me - "Sounds like fun. See you then!"

H - "I've scheduled movers for X day - does that work for you?"
Me - "No worries on my end. See you then!"

Thoughts, suggestions, etc?

[a girl]

Got a wonderful card today from one of the Project Managers I support, telling me she's thinking of me and how "strong" I am.

Really touched by the support I'm getting from my friends and coworkers.

Interesting that I hear how "strong" I'm being - all I can think about is that for an hour last night, after I found out he was with her, I couldn't stop shaking. My stomach still feels queasy.

I just keep reminding myself that today, I will have one more good minute than I did yesterday .. and that minutes turn into hours, and hours turn into days and I'd rather be working and driving toward a goal than just letting all those hours slip by me while I cry about my "fate".

[a girl]

Still hoping for feedback on my "cordial but not friendly" plan!

[JustStunned]

Not my strong suit, but I'll give your thread a bump

[a girl]

Met with our "family therapist" tonight. She was our "marriage therapist" back when H was pretending to work on the marriage, and I really like her.

Unfortunately, her advice is to take it very slow with S7 - to the point of having H be here in the mornings/evenings until next Saturday.

Not sure that doesn't end in me going to jail.