my heart is breaking

[kermitdfrog]

Our MC, who I still see weekly, feels the birthday card H sent me was probably bought on a day that he had some romantic feelings for me. I suppose that's encouraging.

But I swear, as soon as things start to look better, I get more negative. Why is that??? Now I am convinced he is seeing someone else. I have no real reason. I just read in a book that most WAS have another relationship. Well, my H did have an affair...but it was before any of this started. Our C feels that shame is part of the reason he is running away. But he works around a lot of attractive women, and has lunch meetings, etc, frequently with people, sometimes women. Before all this started, I trusted him completely. Now it scares me.

Plus, a woman I knew in highschool is one of my facebook friends. My husband knows her through an organization he is involved in (part of the effort to improve the inner city)
So, I was on facebook and I see that my H's OW from a year ago is now her facebook friend! So it has me wondering...if they know each other, maybe my H still sees her.(since he sees my highschool friend) So, I asked my H. I wish I hadn't because I haven't backslid in two months. He said he didn't know they were friends, but they both network a lot so probably know each other from the business world. So I asked him if he had any contact with OW. He said yes, once in a while they have contact through referrals, etc. But for the most part he has cut off all contact. He said the relationship was over a long time ago and they had both agreed it was a mistake. For some weird reason, I believe him. His voice sounded calm and not at all unsure. I really feel that relationship is over. But I worry he is or will be in another. I just hope he feels, morally, that it is wrong to date until a divorce is final.

The other thing...his mom is still very ill, and I went to the nursing home tonight. He and I went to dinner. He is still nice, but super preoccupied. I suppose that is to be expected since his mom is so ill and he is stressed about not getting enough work. But I always feel it is about me. And I went back to his mom's house with him for a bit and saw in his bedroom two books about codependency. He had mentioned that once before (see one of my earlier posts). So, I said "Oh, you read books about this. Who told you about codependency?" He said "oh, I just read about it" (I think someone told him about it) so I did a little bit of lecturing. Saying our C says it is garbage, that all marriages have codependency, etc. I stopped fairly soon, but it was another backslide I think. I was doing so well, and now I am slipping and feeling very negative. I don't know why.

So many "positive nuggets" are happening (as my DB coach says) so why am I so negative? I think I am getting tired. I just want him home. I am so tired and sad. Being with him makes me miss him more. And I am really scared that all the codependent stuff has convinced him that the best thing is to end the relationship. Not so! I feel like we can fix whatever is unhealthy about our marriage if he would give us a chance. I am just so afraid that he has himself convinced and has put up a wall, so he won't let his heart open back up. And since he has no romantic relationship (including physical relationship!) he will be needy and get involved with someone. I want that someone to be me!

Opinions please. I know I sound pitiful tonight because I am. It's a bad night for some reason. I am trying to focus on the positives from the weekend (see earlier posts) but instead I focus on the negative (why won't he touch me, other than a hug and kiss when we say goodbye?) I also worry that my questions about OW and my comments about codependency will harm things, It has been three weeks since my lawyer sent the "answer" to the divorce papers and I haven't heard anything. I'd love to believe he is putting a hold on things (still hasn't answered the kids) but what if my backsliding hurts that?

I really need to keep remembering the good. The birthday card, the lunch, the concert... I just want him home and for this to be over.

Sorry for the rant. I'm just having a rough day. Any encouragement would be welcomed!

Oh, and Doggy...if he is convinced he has been codependent and needs to divorce because we are "toxic", is there anything I can do to change his mind? Will the DB techniques do that or is the codependency hold so strong on him that he can't back down? God I hope not.