Had a very pleasant phone convo with W an hour or so ago...
It was logistical with pickup of D8 today.
W actually went on a bit of a tangent with her stuff. Nothing major. Health stuff. I validated pleasantly. She wasn't complaining, just reciting recent things with her. It was nice that she "opened up" a bit with her stuff. She's been doing that a lot more lately, regarding plans and more personal stuff.
Also talked a bit about D13... again, good stuff...
There was a joke about me that was truly good natured that she made. Nice that she would be able to joke about my body in a way that was fun... true, but fun... not at all offensive...
Anyhow, positives like this over the past couple weeks, with relatively fewer negatives...
If this is the future, then that's OK... I do not mind being her "friend" or moreso being "friendly" with her...
That still doesn't mean that I will agree to having combined family b-days for kids... unless circumstances are drastically different...
Not to be negative nelly here, but this could be the "nice" before she asks again...
Next answer to her will be "I still have a lot I need to think about..." or similar... If she asks again...
If this is the future, then that's OK... I do not mind being her "friend" or moreso being "friendly" with her... That still doesn't mean that I will agree to having combined family b-days for kids... unless circumstances are drastically different... Not to be negative nelly here, but this could be the "nice" before she asks again... Next answer to her will be "I still have a lot I need to think about..." or similar... If she asks again...
So you think its a probability that her niceness is to set you up for a request?
I think its good then, that you are prepared for that possibility and won't be caught off guard.
But, what if it isn't? What if it is a gesture of warmth? In that case, what does your integrity dictate?
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
"more of the same" from my W would be it is a set up... to me, that's the "worst"... so I'm prepared for the worst... and yes, I think about the better possibilities...
My comments below, I would not be prepared to share with my W at this time. Not because I want to withhold from her. But because I'm not sure they're set in stone, atm...
I am still trying to get my financial situation on the upswing. This is the only sticking point for me in my life, right now. It's not abnormal and it is not relative to any national or global economic downswing. Just a normal thing for me as I figure out my newest, career move...
Other than that, I'm liking my life.
The thing is, I'm... I don't think the word is torn, but I don't have a better word for my feelings right now. I do not like my W. Not because I am angry with her. I'm quite sure that I do not like her... She's not someone that I would normally hang out with and spend any significant amount of time with...
I know why I liked her, why I chose to love her... and I have no regrets of our time together... but what I know now about the qualities of a person I would want to spend the rest of my life with... there are many of hers that "turn me off"...
And I don't want that to come across the wrong way. I'm sure I have a lot of characteristics of someone she would not want in someone she hitched up with...
That being said, aside from the kids... I'm pretty good with not having to deal with her drama. In my past, prior to meeting my W, I had distanced myself from others who were caught up in drama and didn't know how to or wouldn't let it go... I know the drama in my W's life...
If my W's words were a sign of genuine warmth... well... they're words... I'm looking for actions... more specifically, I'd be looking for indicators that she would be someone I would like to have a long term, close friendship with.
That's about all I can say, atm...
As far as I'm concerned... she just happens to be the person my kids hang out with, when they aren't with me...
W is finally "done" with one of our cars. She "bought" her mom's and was going to sell hers but then decided that she would let FS16 use it until he got his...
Anyhow, now that FS16 finally has his car, she's asking me if I want the car in exchange for an appropriate amount which would be applied to our final dissolution agreement...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just took a bit of time to think about this and the way I figure it, she was going to originally sell the car, so with the work that now needs to be put into it, she's kinda "dumping" it on me as though it's some good deal for me...
So I'm thinking... we'll put the car on the market and when it sells, we'll split the difference...
OK, I'll try to be short and concise with my conversation with my W over pre-mediation discussions:
+ basically, as far as my W is concerned, I left her... all the 10 years we have been M...
+ my W said she would wait forever (no dissolution or D), that she was OK with that... This was in regards to me indicating that the only reason I was willing to wait would be to see if she might, one day change her mind...
+ I indicated that the separation period would be with my not seeing anyone and that I would expect that to be mutually agreed upon and my W was silent on that.
+ I indicated that I WOULD NOT see anyone unless we were not M, to which my W indicated she felt right now that we were not M.
+ I indicated that I expect to move closer to the kids in the fall so that we can split custody and my W indicated that was NOT going to happen (ie. splitting weeks with the kids)
+ My W indicate she had no money, that she's been cashing out her investments... yes, this is something that is worrying... will be dealt with in petition...
+ my W stated that she had already worked through the cash settlement with the banker and expected me to sign off on it without due diligence
+ nothing important, but I almost laughed at this one. My W asked about whether I expected 1/2 of the RV, because she never wanted it and she paid out the amount in payments to her mom's husband so suggesting I was not entitled to it... it's laughable to me, because I originally said to my W that an RV is an expensive investment and I wasn't sure, but I would be OK with it if she wanted it... it was an offer from her mom and mom's H to her, my W knew at the time that I would not be financially able to support the purchase...
+ at one point, my W stated that I should have had a pre-nup, then I think said maybe she should have had one. This revolved around how money was a primary motivator in her life and in the M... that she had "warned" me about that, even before we M.
+ stated in the form of a slight threat, my W suggested that if we go the L route, that I am likely to be... disappointed with the results...
The R talk revolved around me being OK with moving on. That I am comfortable with it. That's where the "waiting" came up, that I would wait if we did not see others. I had no expectations around that. I did know that she would not agree to that. OK, I did have the expectation that she would not be agreeing to being "celibate" during any future separation... Got lucky on that guess...
The bottom line is, I'm OK with getting this over with.
I will do everything I can to learn and grow, become a better person, from my past and through the D.
I believe in M and I believe in the vows and I believe in the family unit.
I am prepared to be put on the firing line that my vows were only stated so long as the fit my "unless" rules.
I am prepared to be accused of not doing everything I can to save the M.
I am prepared to be accused of not being introspective and fixing ME in order to become a better man and hopefully save my M.
I am prepared for the consequences, of other's opinions and judgments, and all else that may come my way because of this.
I simply see no resolve to this. Not now, not in limbo, not in separation, not in "hurry up and wait", not in 2 years, not in 5, not in D...
This is not a situation of me believing I have to be right. Nor in me thinking that I'm OK and don't need to become a better person.
Of all I know, I am ok... I made mistakes... I am fairly comfortable that I am once again the man that I was when we "fell" in love and I am absolutely confident that I will continue to grow and become a better me... there's lots of growth that I can focus on...
But I cannot be truly open to love again, until I am M. I cannot even entertain the idea in any great amount, until I am D. Because that's what I believe in.
I do feel I could appear to be justifying and it is possible that I might be coming across as being "righteous"...
Maybe my W is stubborn... maybe I'm stubborn... I can honestly say that if my W changed her mind some time in the future, I would be open to the possibility if I have not entered into some new R. But I don't see that happening...
And I'm prepared to be one of the statistics of re-M my X... but I don't see that happening, either... *shrug*
as far as splitting of assets, through mediation or the courts the idea is a 50/50 split. by rushing it, or telling you to lawyer up, she's trying to scare you into giving up more than you have to.
make a list of your assets, what you both have, including accounts, cars, RV, etc. put a value on it. dont agree to anything if you're not comfortable with it. once the papers are signed, theres no going back.
get a legal separation agreement done which would prevent her from draining the accounts. all splitting of the financials are from the time the separation agreement is signed. if she spends it all after that, then she's still liable for that money. any new debt would be hers also.
i owned my condo before we were married, it was considered premarital property. x was not entitled to any of it, other than any appreciation during the marriage.
you'll have to decide what you're willing to give up and live without. some things are worth less than the fight you'd have to keep them. its negotiation, its give and take.
the courts want 50/50 custody, thats always in the best interest of the children. be careful not to give her any reason to argue you are an unworthy parent. there are some horror stories.
its good practice to keep a diary of everything here on out.
i gave up money that i regret, but ultimately its not important.
put a clause in your agreement that would prevent her from moving away. i have a 30 mile limit. if she decides to move further then its her decision and she would give up her custody time.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Another almost laughable comment my W made to me (it doesn't look like I mentioned it above) from that conversation (after saying that she could "wait forever") was that my W indicated that the only reason she agreed to mediation was because I suggested it...
Not that it matters, but I'm thinking... WTF...? She was really hoping to do absolutely nothing and that I would just go away and agree to access to kids when she allowed...?
Or what...? Is she going to say that the only reason she agreed to a D was because I asked for it...? She did tell me until last april that she didn't want a D... I guess the truth was not that she wanted to think about it... rather, that she just wanted to wait forever and cake eat...
Well... of course... She gets to be the victim...
Anyhow, no big deal, not worried about it. It's just a shame that she's passive-aggressive in this... She certainly has a chance to tell me she does not want a D, but she WILL have to follow that up with showing me that she wants to R.
I think I do have a possible option, to go with legal separation rather than D.
The upside is, we remain M so that the paperwork does not have to be processed unless it MUST be processed...
The downside to legal sep is that I have to choose whether I feel OK with entering any new R... as the M vows are very important to me.
So if I go with leg sep and then decide I want to pursue a new R with someone, I would then have to file D...
Wow! I just thought of something that I should put down to bits to remember for later.
It's very possible that my W has figured out that she's set in her retirement.
Inheritance passed down from her grand mother to her mother (by way of her grandfather when he passes) will eventually be split between her and her siblings when her mom passes.
Forgive the morbid thought. God willing, that inheritance will pass down some time in about 20 years or so, when my W is around 65 or retirement age.
As my W mentioned to me in our last talk, she's been spending her savings...
Not mind reading, but here's the tragedy. If she's "enjoying" her life right now through spending her savings... what will be left for our kid's college fund... the savings would have taken care of that as our kids reached college age...
And now...?
*sigh*
I MUST protect their interest in what's left in assets at this time.
