just venting here to keep myself from talking to H

[grebjack]

Since that last post, he let me take him out to lunch to celebrate his birthday in March and we have restored a generally comfortable friendship since then. I am much mellower about losing the marriage if the friendship survives - that was always the most precious part of the marriage anyway.
He has moved to Illinois. I have heard from him exactly twice in the ten days he's been gone. It's a sign of my pessimism about us that I speak of twice in ten days as a bad thing - it's so much more than he chose to interact with me between November and March. I have been good about not contacting him, not begging through my actions for his attention. I have not been so good about getting a life here without him - mostly I am catatonic. And I still "read between the lines" through my worst paranoid lens. It's weird to watch myself act this way, since everyone who knows me would describe me as optimistic to a fault.
I am trying to be someone I am proud to be. I look to spend times doing things I enjoy. The hard part is I still just don't enjoy doing the things that used to be fun to me, and I don't know how to get that back, so for now I'm just going through the motions. Or staring at the opposite wall for hours on end. If I were him, I certainly wouldn't want the crazy woman I have become - thank God he doesn't see me when I'm like this.