The true mark of a man lays not in what he HAS today, but in what he DOES today. It's all about the legacy he leaves behind.
Those kids of yours see a strong man, a loving husband, and a dedicated provider.
We are on this earth but a milisecond in the grand scheme of time. The question we will all be asked is...
What did you do in that milisecond?
At least you will have an answer........
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Tank, you are in my most fervent prayers. Please reach out to all around you for support. You need and deserve it.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
about 3 and 1/2 months ago, i was diagnosed with stomach cancer. I have just finished my first round of treatment. I have kept this to myself only telling my boss at work and a couple of really close friends. I did not tell my wife. I have kept that from her and tried to do everything possible so she would come home for our kids and our family.
Tank,
You need to tell your wife. As the mother of your children -- and since your children will be affected if anything happens to you (be it death or even just a hospital stay) -- she has a right to know.
What she then does with that info is up to HER, and not your responsibility, but you need to tell her.
I know what you're saying, that "a", you want her to come back to the marriage for the right reasons and not out of some "pity" sense of obligation, and "b" you want your kids to have a chance at a healthy relationship with their mother should anything happen to you, but you really can't control EITHER ONE of those things.
All you CAN control is, telling her the truth, and telling your KIDS the truth (in an age-appropriate way), and then walking with strength and honor.
I hope you'll reconsider on this issue. I do know this must be tough.
Do your kids know? I get the impression they don't.
I understand, I think, why your wife doesn't. You don't want her pity, or for her to come back for the wrong reasons...
I think that's pretty f-ing strong of you.
...
First off, you aren't a failure. Not at all.
Originally Posted By: tank
I am really starting to regret all that i have done for this women. How could i be so stupid?
I cannot make you not regret it. I can hope that you don't. I get the feeling it wasn't in you, as in: you are not the type of guy to not reach out to help to fix, as suckage as this lesson was to learn, you wouldn't learn it any other way, you had to figure it out on your own. I did.
On that note...
Originally Posted By: tank
if i dont make it through this, the kids will have lost both parents.
IF the worst starts to come to pass, could you envision your illness as some sort of bridge to the woman who used to be a great mother and your children?
Not to get her back with you, but to get her back for them?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
IF the worst starts to come to pass, could you envision your illness as some sort of bridge to the woman who used to be a great mother and your children?
Not to get her back with you, but to get her back for them?
That's an interesting way to look at it. Hmmmmm.....
I don't want to be a cynic, but in the interest of looking at all angles, I think you need to be prepared for her to possible think you are making it up, or exaggerating, or faking it, to try and get her back. It sounds like she's a little unstable, and it's hard to guess what those sort of people will do.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
I've been thinking about you all afternoon and the terrible circumstances you are in.
I think Starsky is right. Your wife (as the mother of your children) needs to know what is happening with your health.
Will it be a wake-up call for her? Most likely not (though for any sane absentee mother it would be). Still, in the interest of 'full disclosure' it seems like telling her is the right thing to do. That way she can't say she didn't know.
Your in-laws seem very supportive of you and the kids. Do they know yet about your diagnosis so that they can come forward with a helping hand? Perhaps they are the ones to tell first, and let them tell your wife.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Thank you everyone for your support, it means more to me then i can possibly express. I hope that it has given a little more to those who have been shaking there heads at some of my actions. I am a stubborn man, it takes more than a 2x4 to set me straight.
I have had a sit down this evening with my MIL, BIL, my Parents, and a couple of close friends. I told them the news. I am a very detailed person. I have a binder with all my reports, and the treatment plan. They asked a lot of questions and i told them what i could. As you can imagine, it was an emotional night.
As a family, they helped me to decide that the kids will not be told unless things take a turn for the worse. I have already had 4 weeks of chemotherapy, and i have stayed pretty strong through it. I have a rest and recoup period before i start again as my blood counts were very low. The children will be told only if and when they have to be. They do not need any more added stress then they already have. If we do tell them it will be with the family as a whole and with the family counsellor for guidance and support.
As for my wife. I dont care if she belives me or she doesnt. She can see the test results and talk to the oncologist if she so chooses. But i refuse to tell her. I dont feel that she has anyrights to know what is going on with my health. Its about me, not her. So i will not be telling her.
Now that being said, i have told my family, that i would like to keep this situation limited to the people present at the meeting. If they choose to tell my wife, i will not be mad, but i ask that they do not tell her as a means of trying to get ehr to come home, or to hurt her any way shape or form, as in look what he is going through and your not there to support him. I dont want this to be used against her. The family will make the determination on their own as to what they will tell her.
Maybe its just silly, but today i had to drive to her and OM house to get health cards and birth certificates for the kids as she ordered their social insurance cards and had them. I also took the remainder of her things and some things she had left at our mutual friends. I let her know i was coming to get the I.D., when i got there she had put it in the mail box. My daughter wanted to see mommy and she cam with me. I got the stuff from the mail box and placed everything on the porch then got in the car and let my daughter go to the door. She stood there for 10 mins ringing the door bell and knocking on the door. Her mother didnt answer.
At this stage, with the way i am seeing things differently, i just dont want to talk to her. I cant tell her what is going on with my life. She has hurt my children so much, i cant look her in the face and say anything nice.
I deleted her from my facebook, i blocked her numbers from my cell phone and the home phone. She can call the kids on their cell phones, all 4 of them have one. I have changed my email address at work and my work cell number. I am cutting her out of my life. I just feel that i have done enough. I am going dark on her. She no longer has me to depend on. Its time i start living my life for myself and my kids 100 percent.
I am jumping out of an airplane in 3 weeks, I set a date tonight with my SIL to go and buy roller blades and we are going to do it together and exercise with our dogs.
I feel very good now that those people that mean so much to me know my situation and are there to support me, and yes that means everyone on here as well.
I have made arrangements for the kids to be at my parents this weekend, as friends of mine are moving. I cant do any lifting, but i sure can drive a truck.
Maybe getting my issues out there and this final slap in the face from her are what will help me through this funk i have been in. No matter what happens with my health, the next little while will be all about me and what makes me happy. I spent a wonderful afternoon with my daughter, of course we had to have 2 ice cream cones each. Such a bad father i am, lol. Watched s9 play soccer and then spent the evening with family and friends.
