My heart beats harder when I read a newbes post Remembering what it was like in the beginning.
I am so sorry you are here.
The only advice I have for you is to vent here when you need to. Listen to the others as they encourage you to GAL (get a life) and detach. This will be hard and you probably won't be able to do it very well for a long time, but eventually it gets easier. I promise.
protect those babies of yours best you can. They will be her biggest regret one day, but if you are strong and there for them they will get through this with you. It will amaze you how strong they become with time.
Divorce doesn't have to be the worst thing that happens to them in thier life. Only you can make sure of that.
Please stay strong, and realize that she is crazy right now (I use that term lightly, but there will be times you are positive that she is!)I used to think it was very possible an alien had taken over my husband's body.
you must get out of her way so she can fix herself.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Hey there. Sorry that you are here. Our situations are similar. Feel free to check out my thread. You'll notice that a lot of situations are similar.
What I've learned (although rather slowly) is to just get the hell out of her way. Easier said then done, but you have to.
As for what TAMF said about the alien, you'll notice that the comment isn't that far off.
She is crazy right now. Leave her alone.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Question - Since you guys have been around here much longer than I have and have surely seen success stories, can you think of a common denominator in the ones that were successful?
Yep, The ones that are successful.........
They all saved themselves first.......
They did not all reconcile their marriages.....
But they sure as h@ll are successful.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I really want to stand for my marriage and be there for my W when she comes out of whatever she is in. The bad thing is I read The Divorce Remedy again today and alot of the behaviors she is engaging in are covered in earlier chapters of the book not related to MLC. I took comfort in thinking this was something I had no control over starting and that she would have to work it out herself, but now I wonder if I did play a large part in it and just did not see my marriage crumbling before my eyes.
That still doesn't explain why she was unwilling to even give it a chance. She even said she would refuse to do anything to make the marriage work as she did not want it to work. I pray she was not thinking in her right mind when she said those things. I would hate to think the love of my life could turn against me in such a way and take pleasure in destroying my self esteem.
Does this look like MLC to everyone?
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
Last night she took our son out school shopping and spent quite a bit. When she brought the two little ones home (I was surprised she or they did not want them to spend the night with her) she was super nice and seemed like her old self. She even brought me a Frosty!! She seemed to have no problem getting close to me and didn't cringe when I touched her arm to go around her. Sometimes she acts like she doesn't even want to be in the same room as me and won't even look at me while she's talking to me. So strange. Last night, she kept getting close enough to me that I could have kissed her if I'd wanted to.
The only time it was a bit weird is when she was taking pictures of our son in his Mickey Mouse hat. I just happened to mention when he got the hat at Disneyworld last year and how I took a picture of him sleeping on my shoulder with it. When I brought it up she looked at me like I had spoken a foreign language, and when I mentioned it again she immediately changed the subject without acknowledging what I said. Also, when she couldn't get her phone to turn on I reached for it to show her how and she clutched it like it was a newborn baby. I saw her get the "beast" posture of slouching with her arms folded for a brief time, but she came out of it without getting nasty and left soon after. She really seemed like her old self last night and I didn't detect any feelings of anger or resentment toward me. It could have been that she was feeling good due to having been able to buy things for the kids (student loan).
It blew my mind that everything seemed so good and normal but yet she has an appointment with the D lawyer Friday to look over the agreement. It's just so sad that we can't work through this together.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
T, I dont really like labels. Because no one is one size fits all.
Whatever it is that is going on with your wife clearly is not just someone who wants out of a marriage. There is obviously something very wrong.
You know what your life was like for all those years with her. While there may have been things you didnt realize or should have paid more attention to, the feelings and memories you had were real.
Because she is is crisis, she is panicked. She knows something is wrong, but, doesnt know what. So, she is blaming the person most important in her life.
If I can get out of this marriage, then I'll be happy. When that doesnt work, she will try something else. All with the hope that it will fix what is wrong.
It is only when she looks inside that she will be able to begin to heal.
She needs to walk this journey and the best thing you can do is let her.
I really want to stand for my marriage and be there for my W when she comes out of whatever she is in. The bad thing is I read The Divorce Remedy again today and alot of the behaviors she is engaging in are covered in earlier chapters of the book not related to MLC. I took comfort in thinking this was something I had no control over starting and that she would have to work it out herself, but now I wonder if I did play a large part in it and just did not see my marriage crumbling before my eyes.
Does this look like MLC to everyone?
Whether it is MLC or not - we all have to look back at our marriage and take responsibility for our own part in its demise. does this mean it is your fault? no. but part of this journey you are on requires you to look inside yourself and see the things that you were responsible for and change - change for you. not for her. for you. only real change can happen if you do it for yourself, not to get her back.
When / IF she comes out of this she will see the person that you have become.
FTR - my STBXH has roped me back into his craziness multiple times by being sweet, wonderful, kind and "normal" - I have fallen for it many times thinking that he is coming back, then he turns around and withdrawls again all the while telling me that he knows he should break up with the OW.
Try not to get confused by this, it is her confusion - let her own it. and it will mess with your mind. I know it did with mine - still does.
Take for example, it has been a year since the bomb dropped about ILYBNILWY and OW...he now lives with the OW and we will be divorced by September. We have a great friendship and love towards each other, but we are both on different paths now. I have loved him enough to truly let him go. Yet just yesterday he sends me a text that says, "you used to talk to me."
AHHHHHHH! so frustrating. he is STILL trying to rope me back in. meanwhile, LIVING with the OW. Do you see how crazy they all are? You must separate yourself from this poison. It will eat you alive.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I totally agree that I have to make changes with myself and once the pain, depression and anxiety subside I feel I will be able to do that. It's really hard at this point as everything has moved so quickly I'm still getting my head wrapped around it.
Part of me wanting/ needing to figure this out is it's my career field!! I was totally blindsided by this and had no idea that people could change in such a profound way. To see my loving, devoted, sane wife turn into such a callous monster who seems to draw no line of political correctness between moral integrity and anti-social behavior even when in public. I've never been disrespected like this, even though I've worked with troubled kids for 12 years.
I know she's definitely peri and that has to have alot to do with this as her emotions cycle minute to minute sometimes. I still don't understand her hell-bent obsession on ending the marriage as quickly as possible without any real reason other than needing her independence. I really don't think there's an OM at this point but am afraid there will be soon after the D. It's like she's afraid I'll find a way to save the marriage and she's keeping me off-balance until it's too late. Therein probably lies my answer, as she's probably fearful that I'll stand in the way of her MLC by stopping the D somehow. I've had 3 post-MLC ladies tell me it's best to let her get the D quickly for several reasons, not the least of which she's pretty much willing to give me whatever I want if I do it quickly. If it is over for good, I will come out great with no alimony or child support hanging over my head, possession of the house and most importantly custody of the kids. I don't want this, but all 3 ladies said the D or no D would probably have little to no impact on us reconciling once the hormones level out and the fog begins to clear, One of the ladies did D her husband and returned to him within two years, stating that she never even considered another man during that time as her out-of-control emotions were too overwhelming for her as it was. That seems like it might really fit my W to a T as she has said she has no energy for anything other than work and school.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
Remembering what it was like in the beginning. 
