W was physically and emotionally abused as a child (up through her teens), and parents still have a controlling attitude toward their children. She has not really described how it feels for her, but her reaction is angry. You have to kind of translate anger. She's a New Yorker, so she expresses fear as anger. Although I have never hit her, I know that she sees my meltdowns as demands for control. In fact, she HAS referred to that behavior as "bullying."
It hurt me so much when she told me that. But, as I go back to it, I feel a warmth for that moment, because she was telling me her feelings, and still trying to reach me, to bring us back together.
Now, she does not seem to want that at all. Now, everything just feels cold.
I wish keeping cool and understanding differences between us just came naturally. I wish I didn't wait so long to start making these changes. On the other hand, when we were still arguing and trying to come together, I felt so threatened that I just tried to "fix it," to do what someone else called, "the changes brought about by fear." I was too scared to back up and see the bigger problems. The fact that for years I have not viewed myself as a person separate from her. That I have not allowed her to be distinct from me. That I have not looked at how my own behaviors were pushing her away.
Man, I don't want it to be too late!
I guess it's obvious I am having a rough time today.
Yeah, looking back at last night, I really do need to "drop the rope." W got aggravated with me, and I immediately picked that up. Got angry. Thankfully, this time W would not get into an argument, and after I told her twice she was wrong, and she let it go, I dropped it.
I just wish she didn't have to be the one to let it go. I wish I could have used that opportunity to show her she could trust me not to make an argument out of things.
OK, I guess I have just about typed myself out. I don't have anything more to say, and I am tired.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
