I also discovered recently that she had posted an on-line profile at a dating site, and told her that I knew. She appears to have taken her profile down after saying that she was only curious.
She's not curious, she's fishing.
The EA/PA she had with OM left her wanting to continue feeling all that excitement,energy, & romance. She's looking for another man to give her those emotional feelings of being in-love. It's as if she's addicted.
How do I respond to her need for fishing?
Me: 45 W: 45 S: 12 D: 9 M: 16 T:22
Bomb: 4/20/2011 Says she moves out in July with Kids Discovered Affair: 6/10/2011 She files for divorce: 8/18/2011
Last night she joined me in our garden and helped pull some weeds.
My 180 activities continue.
I joined her at breakfast this morning and said “Good morning” as she began to speak. She accused me of interrupting her. I let this go.
After this, we had some pleasant exchanges and I asked a question about an article she was reading in the paper (after she made a comment about the article). She then said I could read it myself if I was interested and that was how I had responded to her in the past (there is some truth in this). I said that I’d respond to any question she had about what I was reading. She said, oh yeah, this is the new temporary you again.
As they are somewhat frequent, how do I respond to these criticisms? I feel like she thinks it’s important for her to put me down at least once a day.
Me: 45 W: 45 S: 12 D: 9 M: 16 T:22
Bomb: 4/20/2011 Says she moves out in July with Kids Discovered Affair: 6/10/2011 She files for divorce: 8/18/2011
She is pushing your buttons so that you reveal the "real you", the one she doesn't like, so that she remains justified in her choice to get out of the R...
Stay strong and don't take the bait... get away if you have to...
I am confused about the living arrangements. Are the two of you living under the same roof or not? If not, there sure is a lot of time together.
As it's already been pointed out, you can't stop her from wanting to fish for new men to give her a thrill. Now, if she's not living with you, then I'm surprised she took her profile down (and she will put it back, later). A WAW who has been in EA's see this a being very "manipulative". They use the same term even if they live under the same roof.
The point is not to control her but think about what she finds attractive in a man? What attracted her to you? Are you still the way you used to be when she M you?
Her "attraction" for OM is not so much about the physical looks, but more about how he makes her feel. That's the "high" she's needing in the EA. What did you use to do before M that made her feel really special? Why does she feel that the M is dead? I can tell you that she felt dead emotionally until she experienced the EA. So now, she's like a starving person seeking food.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 hits it on the head once again. Be someone whoi listens and acknowledges her feelings. That is what drew her to u to begin with.
We men forget that over time and rake things for granted!
M 38 W 50 S 9, D 6 T 12 M 10 W's 1st EA 4/2007 stopped after confront W's 2nd EA 6/2010 Separated 7/2010 I bomb dropped 7/2010 MC 2/2011 - 3/2011 W bomb dropped 4/2011 Nothing filed or done
I appreciate all the advice I can get and thanks for responding. Yes, we are under the same roof although she has asked me to move out two weeks ago. I refused.
I believe that she is preparing to file for divorce. I will have 1-2 months before I'm ordered out by the court according to legal advice I received. No, there are no abusive tendencies on my part (other than my tuning her out) but I've been told this is how things (my being court ordered to leave) are likely to go in my state.
I'm having trouble following what you wrote. What is it that you say is manipulative?
What changed about me since our marriage is that I began to tune her out. She chatters continuously sometimes, something that is referred to as the "babbling brook" in the 5 Love Languages book. I am the non-talkative one and this relationship was great at the beginning. I fell into this tuning out pattern and she reacted by criticizing. The walls reciprocated and got higher. I've been reading many books, the latest of which is the 5 Love Languages. Surprisingly, I ended up having "Words of Affirmation" being my hands down love language. I though "Physical Touch" would be the winner but it is a distant third. This has helped me understand why I react the way I do to verbal criticisms not only from her, but also from others, particularly in my work.
The thrill she got from the A was a person who was willing to say whatever was necessary to get to her physically. He boosted her emotionally and this was very fulfilling to her given some low esteem issues that I've only recognized during this crisis.
I've tried to figure out her love language and I'm very hesitant to ask her to take the test for obvious reasons. I talked with a close friend (to both of us) this afternoon and her guess was also "Words of Affirmation" but also thought that "Acts of Service" or "Receiving Gifts" might also be. My estimate (I tried to answer the evaluative questions on her behalf) is that it is either Gifts or Words of Affirmation. Regardless, I'm not free at the moment to respond freely to either of these perceptions. She seems to tire, as she did during our Sunday drive, of me trying to engage her in conversation.
The good news is that we had a fun night tonight as I had the D earlier in the day and we met her at an outside restaurant for dinner and drinks. This was a good night with no put downs and some good, if not shallow, conversation between us. I almost recognized this person sitting across the table from me.
I continue being the person that I hope only a fool would consider leaving.
I'm committed to helping her avoid being a fool but need all the help and support I can get as the going, as you and many others at this site know, requires some stamina.
Me: 45 W: 45 S: 12 D: 9 M: 16 T:22
Bomb: 4/20/2011 Says she moves out in July with Kids Discovered Affair: 6/10/2011 She files for divorce: 8/18/2011
I am confused about the living arrangements. Are the two of you living under the same roof or not? If not, there sure is a lot of time together.
As it's already been pointed out, you can't stop her from wanting to fish for new men to give her a thrill. Now, if she's not living with you, then I'm surprised she took her profile down (and she will put it back, later). A WAW who has been in EA's see this a being very "manipulative". They use the same term even if they live under the same roof.
The point is not to control her but think about what she finds attractive in a man? What attracted her to you? Are you still the way you used to be when she M you?
Her "attraction" for OM is not so much about the physical looks, but more about how he makes her feel. That's the "high" she's needing in the EA. What did you use to do before M that made her feel really special? Why does she feel that the M is dead? I can tell you that she felt dead emotionally until she experienced the EA. So now, she's like a starving person seeking food.
I appreciate all the advice I can get and thanks for responding. Yes, we are under the same roof although she has asked me to move out two weeks ago. I refused. I believe that she is preparing to file for divorce. I will have 1-2 months before I'm ordered out by the court according to legal advice I received. No, there are no abusive tendencies on my part (other than my tuning her out) but I've been told this is how things (my being court ordered to leave) are likely to go in my state.
I'm having trouble following what you wrote. What is it that you say is manipulative?
You are right on the mark with your observation about her feeling dead emotionally.
What changed about me since our marriage is that I began to tune her out. She chatters continuously sometimes, something that is referred to as the "babbling brook" in the 5 Love Languages book. I am the non-talkative one and this relationship was great at the beginning. I fell into this tuning out pattern and she reacted by criticizing. The walls reciprocated and got higher.
I've been reading many books, the latest of which is the 5 Love Languages. Surprisingly, I ended up having "Words of Affirmation" being my hands down love language. I though "Physical Touch" would be the winner but it is a distant third. This has helped me understand why I react the way I do to verbal criticisms not only from her, but also from others, particularly in my work.
The thrill she got from the A was a person who was willing to say whatever was necessary to get to her physically. He boosted her emotionally and this was very fulfilling to her given some low esteem issues that I've only recognized during this crisis.
I've tried to figure out her love language and I'm very hesitant to ask her to take the test for obvious reasons. I talked with a close friend (to both of us) this afternoon and her guess was also "Words of Affirmation" but also thought that "Acts of Service" or "Receiving Gifts" might also be. My estimate (I tried to answer the evaluative questions on her behalf) is that it is either Gifts or Words of Affirmation. Regardless, I'm not free at the moment to respond freely to either of these perceptions. She seems to tire, as she did during our Sunday drive, of me trying to engage her in conversation.
The good news is that we had a fun night tonight as I had the D earlier in the day and we met her at an outside restaurant for dinner and drinks. This was a good night with no put downs and some good, if not shallow, conversation between us. I almost recognized this person sitting across the table from me.
I continue being the person that I hope only a fool would consider leaving.
I'm committed to helping her avoid being a fool but need all the help and support I can get as the going, as you and many others at this site know, requires some stamina.
Me: 45 W: 45 S: 12 D: 9 M: 16 T:22
Bomb: 4/20/2011 Says she moves out in July with Kids Discovered Affair: 6/10/2011 She files for divorce: 8/18/2011
I'm having trouble following what you wrote. What is it that you say is manipulative?
In her eyes (the WAW in an EA) sees her H as being manipulative when he "interferes" with her "private" business. This is the view point of a woman who is cheating and wants the M over. Words such as manipulative, controlling, private, intrude, etc., are pretty common in the WAW's vocabulary when speaking to LBH.
Quote:
What changed about me since our marriage is that I began to tune her out.
Happened in my M, too. It's a major mistake for H's to "tune out" their W. I would try to talk to my H and he would just look at the TV. Mad me so angry and resentful b/c I knew he did not do this with our children or anyone else, just me.
Quote:
He boosted her emotionally and this was very fulfilling to her given some low esteem issues that I've only recognized during this crisis
Exactly! My H didn't see that my self-esteem had taken a wallop b/c he was tuning me out of his life--in the the area that important for me, in order to be intimate. Only after my EA did he begin actually looking at me when I tried to have a conversation with him. Sad!! And, you know what? He's beginning to slide again.
I would not suggest getting her flowers or gifts right now b/c it is heavy pressure.
Quote:
She seems to tire, as she did during our Sunday drive, of me trying to engage her in conversation.
Bet you never thought you would see that day arrive! Right? Here's the thing, it has all changed. Her R with you is upside down now. What she craved for years up to a few months ago...she doesn't want it from you now. She still wants affirmation, etc, but not from YOU. That is what a lot of men don't understand. During the time the W has her WAW mindset....what would have been the very answer a few months ago (where you could have taken her to an over-night, romantic get-away, and healed some issues with her) doesn't get the job done now. Do you see what I'm trying to say?
Quote:
The good news is that we had a fun night tonight
She may be trying to leave you on friendly terms. If she hasn't already said it, you might expect her to tell you that she wants to remain friends.
Have you decide what you will do if/when she files?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
