My story is much like many others I see with a few exceptions. My W and I have been together for 21 years and married for 18. We have 3 kids (D18, D10 and S6). We have only had one brief separation in our entire relationship (1 month back in '93) and have endured many triumphs and tragedies including dealing with a difficult pregnancy and the stillborn death of our 10 year-old's twin sister. We are both Catholic and have sent all our kids to Catholic school. My W works for the courts and I'm a therapist working with at-risk teenage boys. My W completed her Associate's Degree last year and I completed my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy this year while she voluntarily took a year off from school.
Things were great the first 4 months of they year and my W and I were going out for dinner and drinks every Wednesday and going on dates together just about every weekend. My W had recently lost about 45 pounds and grown her hair back out, and we were like newlyweds. Our sex life was phenomenal and we even took our first vacation by ourselves without the kids. Everything was blissful until I was heading for school one night and turned around due to the weather. I went by her work to find her and she had already left. I found her vehicle parked beside a building I didn't recognize and looked all around the area for her, afraid something had happened. I ended up going into this dark building and found a light on at the end of the hallway. I found her and a lawyer friend in his off, he behind his desk and she sitting about ten feet away. Both were fully clothed and there was no sign anything had been going on. I got jealous, though, and accused her in the parking lot. We went home and argued much of the night. I found her call history was deleted and she admitted calling him after I'd left to let him know everything was alright. She said it was the only time she had ever called him when I asked her. I checked the phone records on the computer later that week and found out that she had called him 43 times in 3 weeks. He either didn't answer or returned her call briefly. They had about one conversation a week of 20 minutes or more, usually on her lunch break. She had called him about 95% of the time.
I called and confronted him and he swore nothing was going on and that they were friends. He offered to let me talk to his wife and said she knew all about it. He agreed she had been calling him too much and said if I wanted the 4 of us to get together that would be ok. I called him several times after that and he never would answer or return my texts so that meeting never happened.
Things went back to the way they had been for years with my wife, as our sex life went back to pre-January normalcy. We were still going out, but as my graduation date neared I saw changes in my W. She seemed to become emotionally distant and started making very negative comments to me. She seemed to resent when I was given an award, and didn't want to get in any of the pictures with me. She went to my commencement, but the day after I graduated she woke up early and took our family mini-van and traded if for a compact car. She paid way too much for it and got ripped off on the van terribly. When our youngest daughter asked how all 5 of us would fit in it, she replied that Daddy may not be with us very much.
3 days after I graduated we had planned to meet at the dealership so I could give them my van key and get a spare key to her car. She said to give her about 15 minutes as she was going to show her car off to her friends. I decided to park and wait for her at her work and she left work immediately. Thinking she was headed to the car lot, I left out but found her in the parking lot of her lawyer friend heading to his office. When I pulled into the lot, she was furious at me for following her and told me "I don't mind that I lied to you. It doesn't matter because I'm divorcing your ass!" She told me she was moving to a town 35 miles away and that there was nothing I could do about it. She left without seeing her lawyer friend, but called him immediately afterward. She had the papers served at my workplace the following Monday.
When I tried to talk to her the next day, she said she needed a change and her space. She said she hated our house and did not love me. She said the most cruel and hateful things I have ever heard anyone say in my life. She didn't change much of her routine, though, and continued sleeping in the bed with me for weeks until I told her I thought we should sleep in separate rooms and she moved to the living room. She stayed there for another few weeks before moving in with her parents while she was still getting the other house ready. She made several statements about hating the "weak person she has always been" and "wanting to prove that she can make it on her own." She claimed to have never been happy, and said that now she's the happiest she's ever been. She's used all kinds of metaphors to describe how happy she is to our friends as well. She's going back to school now, and has befriended her lawyer friend's wife. They've been helping her get her new house ready as well and she's even spent the weekend with them a couple of times as well as being introduced to their friends.
I tried the Last Resort techniques and have had as little contact with her as possible. She's alternated between being very friendly with me and putting me down like absolute dirt. She's verbally attacked me in public and even hit me on one occasion in front of our kids. She didn't do anything to move the D forward until this week, and she now has an appointment for Friday to go over the agreement. She told me I can go in next week and look it over and that everything would be easier and quicker if I just initialed OK on everything.
I'm getting the house and custody of the kids while she goes out with friends just about every night and acts like she has no obligation to watch them at all. She was always a very attentive mother but has really distanced up until this past week. She drops in to see them for an hour here or there and takes them to buy them treats or new clothes now that she has her student loan money. But, as far as being concerned for their well-being or even caring to call and tell them good night she doesn't seem to care. She's like a teenager babysitting or something.
I'm hurting so bad and so heartbroken. After 21 years together and all we've been through, I feel like I'm being treated like trash to be discarded ASAP. She has stated she will not do anything to save the marriage and states that she's wanted it to fail all along. There have been times when she's wavered and said things like there's and 80% chance we'll get divorced, there's a chance we MIGHT get divorced, and also that this is something she HAS TO DO even though she is unclear on why she has to. Of course, she puts all the blame on me except for her putting up with me.
I think she's been in this about a year and a half, and think it started around the time she turned 40 and her mother was first showing signs of Alzheimer's. Her mother doesn't even recognize her now. I remember my W making comments about "running out of time" and "if I don't do this (school) now I'll never be able to." She has alot of feelings of underachieving and being a failure and has struggled with low self esteem since before we met. I know this is something she has to work through on her own, but I just wish there was some way to preserve the marriage and family. I truly love her and I always have, and I would do anything to help her and to save our relationship and family. Even with all my education, I feel so completely helpless and useless.
Thundarr
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
Your story is, with a few variations in detail here and there, my story, almost exactly. I have a pretty good idea just how upside down your world is right now.
First off, the hateful, hurting, vicious things she says - I can only tell you that they are not true and that deep down inside she doesn't really believe them. She is doing her best to push you away as strongly as possible so that you will not impede her in any way.
Your marital history has likely been rewritten and resembles nothing you can remember, or any friend or family member can recall as well. This too is a part of her pushing you away, AND a part of her mental justification for choosing to do what she's doing.
You are not nuts. You didn't likely miss much of anything that you should have noticed. You're likely not a god awful father and husband.
I'm not big on lables, but it cannot be doubted that your wife is in some sort of life crisis. She has been building these feelings inside, probably for quite some time. Slowly over the months and even years, she has taken her dissatisfaction with herself, and focused it instead on her life with you and your children.
Once your marriage became the target, she needed only to build a case, so to speak, that would justify her uprooting a life of several decades and splitting a once happy family. That's when the rewrite began in her mind, and that's when she began focusing on every negative aspect of you.
After justification, she likely began planning her escape. The lawyer friend may or may not have been a romantic interest. To my knowledge, my ex-wife did not actually involve herself with another man until after she left our home, but only she really knows.
My ex ended a 21+ year marriage and willingly granted me full custody of our 14 year old son (our 18 year old had just moved out that summer - possibly a precipitating factor), promising to stay close geographically until he graduated. That lasted about 4 months, when she moved 500 miles away to begin a life with an old crush from when she was 16 years old. I spent my son's high school years with him in our home, him seeing his mother once or twice a year.
The best thing you can do for yourself - and I know that this will be INCREDIBLY hard this early in your crisis - is to divorce yourself from her actions and let her go do what she feels she needs to do.
There is nothing you can do that would stop her or make her change her mind anyway.
Place your focus on you and your children. Start making adjustments in how you live your life. Start planning for a future that does not have her in it. Protect yourself legally in every way imaginable - these folks often will do incredible damage to finances and reputations.
I'm terribly sorry you're going through this. And I don't mean to sound as if there is no hope. But if she does return, it is likely to be well down the road. There is a lot of life you'll have to live between now and then.
Don't allow you or your children to live it miserably.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks, Bill, and I totally agree with you that it will be down the road before there is a chance to reconcile. I don't think she's reachable at this time as she is enmeshed in her fantasy world. I definitely want to stand and restore our family when she is able, as she really is the most wonderful person I've ever met.
That being said, I've often felt I wasn't dealing with a sane person when she goes off on me. The evil things she has said are like she's possessed by a demon or something. It's definitely not what the W I've known all these years would do o say. I treat the situation like she's sick and will be well again someday. I'm totally disheartened that she's fast-tracking the D like she is, like she cannot wait to get rid of me like I'm just trash. I'm definitely mistreated, but I know I could forgive her based on all we've been through as well as knowing she's not in her right mind now.
I love Michelle's books and have read DB and DR multiple times. In fact, I used to go to the bookstore almost every day. I'm doing my best to shield myself and the kids from all of this, but seeing their innocent faces and knowing their world and security is being torn apart is more than I can handle sometimes. I pray for a quick end to this, and for their Mommy to go back to being herself whether that means being my wife or not.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
I truly love her and I always have, and I would do anything to help her and to save our relationship and family. Even with all my education, I feel so completely helpless and useless.
Thundarr,
So sorry you are here, but you will find understanding and compassion and knowledge here as you navigate you and your family through this.
Given your education and background the information you will find here will be familiar and hopefully will help you understand what your wife is going through.
However, there is nothing you can do to help except lovingly detach from her actions and words and stay out of her way.
Usually another poster here will stop by with a wealth of links to resources here that shed some light on exactly what your W is experiencing and why.
You will find that as you read story after story they are eriely (sp) similar. As I was reading yours I could remember back 2 years ago when my XW was saying the exact same things.
The hatred that you are getting from your W will die down, it takes a lot of energy to remain angry. If you try to engage her in any way, talk sense into her, tell her that she is in MLC or basically anything else.....it will just feed that anger and prolong it.
If she is willing to give you custody of the kids and the house take it while she is willing.
One thing you will find is that her feelings will change with the wind.
Hang in there, this is a marathon not a sprint it will take much longer than you could imagine, the upside about the TIME is that it is a gift to work on you.
Hope this helps...
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Question - Since you guys have been around here much longer than I have and have surely seen success stories, can you think of a common denominator in the ones that were successful? If I just let her go and commit to forgiving whatever she does while in the fog, once it lifts is there a good probability that she will return to me? I've read many stories about things that people due while in MLC and I'm not convinced they are thinking clearly enough to be culpable based on what I know about brain chemistry and hormones.
What is my greatest source of hope at this point?
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
Others (especially those who have experienced reconciliation) are probably better suited than me to answer that question, but I'll still share a few of my thoughts.
MLC can take a long time for some folks. There are lots of theories about just what MLC is, why it happens, and how it proceeds. There are numerous books you can find to read about it.
I've read quite a few of them.
I honestly think the thing that is most likely to lead to a reconciliation at some point is your willingness to endure.
Most of the success stories here occurred after quite a period of time had passed. The individuals who had been left behind sorted through the wreckage and began piecing together a good life for themselves.
Eventually their spouse reconnected.
There certainly is no magic pill. And you can read articles on the phases and timelines for MLC, but there is no set pattern, and no guarantees for how your wife will proceed through hers.
Some never complete their journey unfortunately.
Another key component to me seems to be a clear message from the spouse left behind that they are THERE. That the love and devotion remains, but that they understand they cannot (and quite frankly in consideration of their well being) and do not want to travel on their spouses journey.
The illustration is that of being the lighthouse for the wandering spouse, that fixed point that they can always find their way back to if they need to, and know that it is a safe place. In some cases reconciliation occurs because the LBS does not burn the bridges between them and their spouse.
You have to take care of you and the children. If you can interact with your wife and keep things positive (and yet stick to your principles), that's good too.
Hopefully some others who have experienced some success will chime in.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I honestly believe that it depends of your definition of success....
If it is the restoration of your marriage ( and I understand that it is ) then I have a question for you..
If there was a one in a million chance at saving your marriage, would you take the chance , and do the work required to be that one percent ?
This is a hard path to walk, and many have done it before you, and if you stick around, there will be many to follow you on it.
Your life will twist and turn in every direction imaginable.
So will your view on the meaning of success.
My marriage did not survive the carnage that WE caused to it over the years.
Am I a success ?
If you limit your views to a single incident, then the answer would be no...
Am I successful ?
I think that I am, because I saved myself, in hopes of a better, restored marriage.
I am not going to take away any hope that you have, and always remember, that ANYTHING is possible.
There will be a valued poster along shortly named Cadet, and he is going to post you some very important links to read in your time that is usually occupied with the "what if" questions.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments.
GAL.
Detach. - The single most important thing you can do
You have been given a GIFT The gift of TIME. - Use is wisely.
