honestly I thought you gave up on me after some posts I made in the ssm forum.
in regard to the statment I made on the 28th...yes, h did come to see what I was up to however he didn't stick around...was just more of "come down here and watch football with me" when I declined (wich is not uncommon) he simply asked why and continued to go about his business...
he is what he is corri...he senses my pulling away and doing my own thing so then he may spend a night without sports (cause lord knows there's always something on even if it's a discussion about a game that occured 20 years ago) or news or weather and actually sit in the room I'm in making small talk..once I accept it he's back to doing his own thing again wich is why upon his return I suggested setting aside one night a week that is for us to either go out or spend qt together at home...his response "can't do that" so insted we play this friggen game and I'm tired of it.
I only talked to him last night because a friend stopped by who's dealing with some family stuff and needed someone to talk to..once she left h asked me to come downstairs (I didn't rush down but finnished what I was doing and then went down) and asked what was up. One of his comments really pissed me off...(let's just say it was a rather sexist or simplistic view of a couples money being indirectly the mans) that led to a bit of back and forth between us..his not understanding how I took his statement and..whatever...
the conversation somehow turned to be about us and that I don't always feel like there is an us...oh I think the point was that the conversation was the same as just about any we've had over the years..him facing the damn tv with some sport on and having a conversation with me. The other part of it was a discussion about family lending money to family...now in the past h has lent money to his family members without talking to me about it..I'd find out when they'd tell me they'd be late with a payment or I'd overhear something or see a check and wonder what for. Of course h's explenation for this is that the $ doesn't come from our household stuff but from his business so there's no need to tell me...plus some bit of privacy thang (obviously they're not hiding it from me as the assume I know, then I feel like the dumb in the dark w) wich is understandable but for christ sake I'm his w..if someone came to me and wanted to borrow money even if I gave it from my own stash I would share it w h...what it comes down to and why I called him an enigma is because he shares very little with me.
I'm just tired corri...just really tired of feeling so disconnected from the man that is supposed to be my husband.
I know that I can just go about my business and sure he may ask what I'm up to or ask me to come and watch football with him...but what is it going to take to have him realize it can't be him living his life and occassionally letting me in on it. there has to be an us and frankly there hasn't been an us for a decade...add to that the complication of ow and sepertaion and now we're pretty screwed.
ah but it seems I am the only one that's screwed cause h is content and happy living his life. his very own words last night...so that just says to me this aint a m is a working arangement...I'm "the wife" and that's just about it.
Gosh I lived this exact same way with my h for 7 years before he found out AFTER I left him that he needed to change. Sometimes now I find him incredibly boring because his 'night out' is in front of the TV watching crap like Temptation Island!
I would suggest you read the book Couple Fits by Evelyn Cohen. It may give you insight.
But if you are TIRED of trying to get insight about your h, why not set up things to do and invite him along. If he's the avoidant personality like my h, check out below: **************** I kind of found out what is up with him by reading the book "Couple Fits" by Evelyn Cohen. He's an avoidant (imagine that!). His personality is:
*a dodger of conflict (well, duh!) *oblivious to moods & feelings, both his own and those of others *good in a crisis *someone who likes peace at any price (sort of) *unspontaneous *a stalwart partner (solid, reliable, responsible but not intimate) *fearful of dependency *Mr. Nice Guy (very charming but no emotion in his words) *often a great success in his chosen career *in need of lots of praise *often passive agressive and/or sarcastic *unconscious of past hurts (don't deal with it and feelings go away) *therapy challenged *slow to love (doesn't believe that love will last so makes very careful choices of who to love, but faithful to one and only love)
Best way to handle an avoidant:
*Drag your partner in on the 'small stuff'. Keep making an effort to get him to sit up and take notice because the 'small stuff' has a cumulative, negative effect. *Press for action, not analysis. A little analysis probably goes a long way with your avoidant partner. Push the underlying emotional issues, talk about your feelings, or motives and you may run into a brick wall. But you can get a lot more of what you want or need simply by focusing on actions and going light on analysis. *Don't back your partner into a corner (at least not very often). While he is capable of complying with a specific request for action it is often with a certain amount of anxiety or feeling put upon. If he starts feeling backed into a corner, the only way he can come out of it is by fighting. *Don't resent having to be the initiator *Don't Hero Worship
For the avoidant:
*When angry, annoyed, or in conflict with your partner, say so *Give your partner signs and signals of appreciation *Try at odd moments to define your partner's mood *Become aware of your inclination to hear suggestions as criticisms *Say to yourself regularly "my partner is a true friend"
This book "Couple Fits" has given me great insight as to how my h thinks and why he's acting the way he is. Now I just have to use what I know!!!! Somehow? I want to give my h the book to read!
For your info: the other personalities in the book are Secure and Ambivalent. This book is great because it shows you what the different personalities are as couples, gives conversations and in depth description of the interactions of the couples: how they fit together and what they can do to make a more comfortable fit. Very, very helpful!
The part about him not knowing his feelings or other's feelings indicates the reason why he wants me to pursue then doesn't want me to pursue. He really doesn't know what he feels! Like you said stick with the book and going with that is my best bet.
**************************
It requires lots of effort to live with an avoidant but there are ways to get him turned around. Maybe for right now though you can take a vacation, get away from h for a couple of days to rest your mind? Then comeback refreshed to tackle this m again.
What is your view of God? I would look into getting to know Him....He didn't mean for us to go at life alone...nor to endure a blob of a s . He can give you a Spirit of power, and the strength to go on, endure, persevere despite how unlikely you think it is! I find refreshement in God when I feel as though I can't take another day.
thanks cindy! useful info there...I'll see what I can do with it. Yes I do believe in god, I wonder if he's trying to punish me or has just given me a challenge with h.
Oh, no punishment! God wants you to learn to trust Him more and not rely so heavily on yourself. I learned this the hard way this past year. Only just figured it out last month ! But more progess has been made in my sitch since then!
I've dealt with alot from h in terms of his "avoidant" and "passive aggressive" behaviour over the past decade or so...pile on to that the fact that h had an ow and left me only to return to show me he could be a whole present person when he wanted to and then returned once again to his avoidant ways. I kinda take that as punnishment not neccessarily by god but indirectly by god for giving me the choice and my choosing to put up with it.
I doubt I'll ever be happy in this r unless h makes some definate permenant changes and that just doesn't seem likely. He's already left once and that didn't change things for long, doesn't seem like there are any buttons left to push but that big red one and I haven't got it in me right now to push it all the way.
I know this is going to sound cliche but I'm going to say it anyway. Then let go and let God have a go at him. Focus on your relationship with God, be with people that love Him, go to church, etc. Lift up your h in prayer. Go at it full throttle and see what happens. I think God put you exactly where you are for a reason. Just as I did, you see your m to a non-Christian as reason for what is happening to you now....punishment for a bad decision. Yes, bad decisions have consequences and are not punishment dealt out by God. God is the perfect parent. He hopes you will turn to him in times of difficulty as any parent would. He knows you realize the mistake you made but God can't be contrary to his word...He'll uphold your m as long as it is in his will to do so. You pray for your m according to his will and leave the decision of whether you need to go or stay up to God. That's what he wants from you.
I was in this same situation 45 days ago....my h and I went to d court. I wanted a continuance, h did not. So I left the decision to God in that through the judge God's decision for me to stay in the m or go would be delivered. God gave me the 90 day continuance so here I am still plugging away because I believe that God wants me here. I believe the same is true for you. Turn to God and let Him tell you what to do.
That's a big relief to know the maker of the universe can help you make this difficult decision of staying or going.
I must have miscommunicated somewhere along the line...h is a christian...just doesn't practice as much as he used to...when we started dating he was 19 and went on his own to mass EVERY sunday no matter where he was...he found a mass to go too..now getting him to go is like pulling teath.
I know whatevers going to happen is going to happen, but I thought or had hoped that the lessons h learned through his a and leaving would have stuck...turns out they didn't all stick and I wonder wtf is it going to take to make them stick.
I'd love to see LL take a trip, leave the kiddos with H and just have some LL time! Not sure that's feasible, but I can't HELP but think her H would pull his head at least part way out of his....oops!
And back to the bloody money thing! Lending money to family without telling you? I don't care if it was the "business's" money, this puts you in a LOWER position!
Just how old is your H, LL...he's sounding like someone of my Dad's generation for crying out loud!
Quote: Just how old is your H, LL...he's sounding like someone of my Dad's generation for crying out loud!
my h is 34 and this is not the first time such a comment has been made about his living in a freakin time warp! Seems to me h comes from a la la land where it is the mans job to work and provide and the womans job to cook and clean and care for the children. Now on occassion h does step out of that role (more so now than before the seperation but less than his homecomming) If this were 1950 I probably wouldn't have much to complain about as everyone else would be living the same way (I think) but this is not 1950 and I'm not some dumb woman who's only capable of being a w and mother...I've got a freakin bachelors degree and the capability to make more money than he does someday...ah will then I be able to sit on my a$$ and watch football and let him cook and clean and entertain my family when they visit??? perhaps the next time we have his family over I should just have pizza delivered and then go sit in a side room reading a book or something...they shouldn't be able to complain about it as they don't seem to see anything wrong with h parking it on the couch watching football while they're here.
Yes I live in a time warp there aren't many that do all that I do anymore...h is luckier than he knows.
but back to the money...yes it's annoying, yes it's rather demeaning, yes, it's insulting but most of all it's distructive to what little closeness I do feel with h. Goes right along with last year when I found out second hand weeks later that bil's w went to football game with h when bil couldn't go...I'm the outsider I know nothing...out of the loop even in my own home.
Quote: honestly I thought you gave up on me after some posts I made in the ssm forum.
Huh. Now that never, ever crossed my mind. Just because we might have different points of view is never a reason to stop talking. I've just been kinda busy.
Quote: in regard to the statment I made on the 28th...yes, h did come to see what I was up to however he didn't stick around...was just more of "come down here and watch football with me" when I declined (wich is not uncommon) he simply asked why and continued to go about his business...
Well, hello, this is the type of response you got after a half night. Just think if you did this for a solid month.
I know you are tired, kiddo. Been there, done that. You, my dear, are a fixer. Nothing wrong with that, I'm not criticizing. But he's not going to make an effort when you continue to make the effort for both of you.
I think you and I have been down this road before so I won't repeat myself. But half a night of no-effort on your part is not lasting and permanent change. You've tried darn near everything else. You have yet to give my suggestion a solid run, so you can't even argue about it with me... and this isn't nearly as exhausting as always trying to fix your marriage or him. STOP FIXING.
Try this for a month, and if it doesn't work, then we can argue.
. He can give you a Spirit of power, and the strength to go on, endure, persevere despite how unlikely you think it is! I find refreshement in God when I feel as though I can't take another day. 
! But more progess has been made in my sitch since then!