My story is much like many others I see with a few exceptions. My W and I have been together for 21 years and married for 18. We have 3 kids (D18, D10 and S6). We have only had one brief separation in our entire relationship (1 month back in '93) and have endured many triumphs and tragedies including dealing with a difficult pregnancy and the stillborn death of our 10 year-old's twin sister. We are both Catholic and have sent all our kids to Catholic school. My W works for the courts and I'm a therapist working with at-risk teenage boys. My W completed her Associate's Degree last year and I completed my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy this year while she voluntarily took a year off from school.
Things were great the first 4 months of they year and my W and I were going out for dinner and drinks every Wednesday and going on dates together just about every weekend. My W had recently lost about 45 pounds and grown her hair back out, and we were like newlyweds. Our sex life was phenomenal and we even took our first vacation by ourselves without the kids. Everything was blissful until I was heading for school one night and turned around due to the weather. I went by her work to find her and she had already left. I found her vehicle parked beside a building I didn't recognize and looked all around the area for her, afraid something had happened. I ended up going into this dark building and found a light on at the end of the hallway. I found her and a lawyer friend in his off, he behind his desk and she sitting about ten feet away. Both were fully clothed and there was no sign anything had been going on. I got jealous, though, and accused her in the parking lot. We went home and argued much of the night. I found her call history was deleted and she admitted calling him after I'd left to let him know everything was alright. She said it was the only time she had ever called him when I asked her. I checked the phone records on the computer later that week and found out that she had called him 43 times in 3 weeks. He either didn't answer or returned her call briefly. They had about one conversation a week of 20 minutes or more, usually on her lunch break. She had called him about 95% of the time.
I called and confronted him and he swore nothing was going on and that they were friends. He offered to let me talk to his wife and said she knew all about it. He agreed she had been calling him too much and said if I wanted the 4 of us to get together that would be ok. I called him several times after that and he never would answer or return my texts so that meeting never happened.
Things went back to the way they had been for years with my wife, as our sex life went back to pre-January normalcy. We were still going out, but as my graduation date neared I saw changes in my W. She seemed to become emotionally distant and started making very negative comments to me. She seemed to resent when I was given an award, and didn't want to get in any of the pictures with me. She went to my commencement, but the day after I graduated she woke up early and took our family mini-van and traded if for a compact car. She paid way too much for it and got ripped off on the van terribly. When our youngest daughter asked how all 5 of us would fit in it, she replied that Daddy may not be with us very much.
3 days after I graduated we had planned to meet at the dealership so I could give them my van key and get a spare key to her car. She said to give her about 15 minutes as she was going to show her car off to her friends. I decided to park and wait for her at her work and she left work immediately. Thinking she was headed to the car lot, I left out but found her in the parking lot of her lawyer friend heading to his office. When I pulled into the lot, she was furious at me for following her and told me "I don't mind that I lied to you. It doesn't matter because I'm divorcing your ass!" She told me she was moving to a town 35 miles away and that there was nothing I could do about it. She left without seeing her lawyer friend, but called him immediately afterward. She had the papers served at my workplace the following Monday.
When I tried to talk to her the next day, she said she needed a change and her space. She said she hated our house and did not love me. She said the most cruel and hateful things I have ever heard anyone say in my life. She didn't change much of her routine, though, and continued sleeping in the bed with me for weeks until I told her I thought we should sleep in separate rooms and she moved to the living room. She stayed there for another few weeks before moving in with her parents while she was still getting the other house ready. She made several statements about hating the "weak person she has always been" and "wanting to prove that she can make it on her own." She claimed to have never been happy, and said that now she's the happiest she's ever been. She's used all kinds of metaphors to describe how happy she is to our friends as well. She's going back to school now, and has befriended her lawyer friend's wife. They've been helping her get her new house ready as well and she's even spent the weekend with them a couple of times as well as being introduced to their friends.
I tried the Last Resort techniques and have had as little contact with her as possible. She's alternated between being very friendly with me and putting me down like absolute dirt. She's verbally attacked me in public and even hit me on one occasion in front of our kids. She didn't do anything to move the D forward until this week, and she now has an appointment for Friday to go over the agreement. She told me I can go in next week and look it over and that everything would be easier and quicker if I just initialed OK on everything.
I'm getting the house and custody of the kids while she goes out with friends just about every night and acts like she has no obligation to watch them at all. She was always a very attentive mother but has really distanced up until this past week. She drops in to see them for an hour here or there and takes them to buy them treats or new clothes now that she has her student loan money. But, as far as being concerned for their well-being or even caring to call and tell them good night she doesn't seem to care. She's like a teenager babysitting or something.
I'm hurting so bad and so heartbroken. After 21 years together and all we've been through, I feel like I'm being treated like trash to be discarded ASAP. She has stated she will not do anything to save the marriage and states that she's wanted it to fail all along. There have been times when she's wavered and said things like there's and 80% chance we'll get divorced, there's a chance we MIGHT get divorced, and also that this is something she HAS TO DO even though she is unclear on why she has to. Of course, she puts all the blame on me except for her putting up with me.
I think she's been in this about a year and a half, and think it started around the time she turned 40 and her mother was first showing signs of Alzheimer's. Her mother doesn't even recognize her now. I remember my W making comments about "running out of time" and "if I don't do this (school) now I'll never be able to." She has alot of feelings of underachieving and being a failure and has struggled with low self esteem since before we met. I know this is something she has to work through on her own, but I just wish there was some way to preserve the marriage and family. I truly love her and I always have, and I would do anything to help her and to save our relationship and family. Even with all my education, I feel so completely helpless and useless.
Thundarr
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
