And the beat goes on...

[Telemark]

She has been planning this for weeks; already lined up the movers, has been shopping online for new items she needs, has made arrangements with SS21's caregivers to change his in-home care details. Again, I feel like a fool who was too blind to see all of this unfolding, although it was done in great secrecy.

I'm filled with self-doubt and self-criticism - did I do everything I could to prevent this? Should I have been more upbeat while we were living in the same house? Should I have pulled further away? Did my anxieties about the EA/OM drive her to this?

We were up until 2 AM talking. At times it got heated, but most of it was sad and remorseful. She feels she has to do this to heal herself and work on her own issues, and I understand that. She said she could not handle the tension in the house anymore with the two of us being there yet trying to tiptoe around each other. She does not want to pursue a divorce, which I take as a good sign. We apologized to each other for all of the hurts and wrongdoings. We cried. We held each other.

In 6 short months we have gone from what I thought was a greatly improved marriage to this. It all seems unreal. Yet deep down I know that we could never really move on and improve ourselves while we still lived together. Most of me is deeply hurt, but part of me is relieved.

We have spent the last 10 years working together on the house, and most of it is a tribute to her design work and abilities. It is painful to think about being there without her; the whole house is one big memory of happier times together.