She has been planning this for weeks; already lined up the movers, has been shopping online for new items she needs, has made arrangements with SS21's caregivers to change his in-home care details. Again, I feel like a fool who was too blind to see all of this unfolding, although it was done in great secrecy.
I'm filled with self-doubt and self-criticism - did I do everything I could to prevent this? Should I have been more upbeat while we were living in the same house? Should I have pulled further away? Did my anxieties about the EA/OM drive her to this?
We were up until 2 AM talking. At times it got heated, but most of it was sad and remorseful. She feels she has to do this to heal herself and work on her own issues, and I understand that. She said she could not handle the tension in the house anymore with the two of us being there yet trying to tiptoe around each other. She does not want to pursue a divorce, which I take as a good sign. We apologized to each other for all of the hurts and wrongdoings. We cried. We held each other.
In 6 short months we have gone from what I thought was a greatly improved marriage to this. It all seems unreal. Yet deep down I know that we could never really move on and improve ourselves while we still lived together. Most of me is deeply hurt, but part of me is relieved.
We have spent the last 10 years working together on the house, and most of it is a tribute to her design work and abilities. It is painful to think about being there without her; the whole house is one big memory of happier times together.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
It's hard but our separation was good for the both of us.
That being said don't be surprised if she starts doing TONS of GAL. (mostly at bars and clubs). it's their way of trying to show to themselves how great life can be away. Also friends will probably take her out to lift her spirits.
Most likely it will temporarily reinforce her WAW. Just give it time. Reality will set in eventually.
Telemark, I am so sorry man. I know it's tough. Must of hit you like a ton of bricks with very little notice like that. You already know my thoughts on it - it's a two-edged sword. I completely understand the part about being devastated and relieved at the same time. Be prepared to GAL like there's no tomorrow. This is going to give you lots of time to work on yourself.
Just know you're in my prayers. If it's God's will for you to get back together, He will find a way to take care of the condo, too. There's a much bigger plan in play that what you realize.
Tel, Im so sorry! I know you are trying to think what you could have done differently and that is not wrong. However I think that every step that our S take away from us we go back to panic mode. We are full of hope and that is all we seem to have and when our hopes get dashed it [censored]! You did what you did because it felt right at the time so dont kick yourself for not getting the perfect outcome! You did a great job of dbing but things are never for sure.
She doesnt want a D right now and that is a great sign. Keep doing what you can do for you to be better and she will take notice. She probably has things she feels she needs to do or work on to be better as well and giving her that space is important.
This next phase with her moving out etc will be hard on you. When you go to the closet with her things gone but it will get easier to be in your home without her.
I know this well! My H left behind a ton of things and finally after he asked for a D and I discovered the OW I packed up EVERYTHING. I didnt care where he took it but he didnt want the home we built with our hands anymore he couldnt use it as a storage unit either. So remember your boundaries through this and make sure they are set.. Dont let her see you sweat!
You are doing great! Keep it up! One breath at a time..
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
I don't feel like I am doing great. I have a project deadline tomorrow and all I can think of is my W moving to her new "home"; how I will never come home to her again or share all of those warm moments we used to have; how she will now be free to ramp up her EA with the OM.
And now I get to spend money I really don't have to replace the furniture she is taking with her.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
She stayed in our house where she could see the changes I was trying to achieve, but I let my emotions take over and reacted badly to everything:
I snooped. I initiated R talks. I was sullen and moody when I should have been upbeat. I let my focus continually go to her instead of focusing on me. I did not give her the space and time she needed.
She reached her breaking point; she could not take living with me anymore with my behaviors being what they were. Now it's too late.
If you are a newcomer reading this, look at those 5 items above. Read them. Memorize them. Burn them into every part of your being. And promise yourself every day, every minute if you have to, that you will not allow them to happen.
I knew better, but I did them anyway. It cost me any chance I had of keeping our marriage intact.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
She reached her breaking point; she could not take living with me anymore with my behaviors being what they were. Now it's too late.
Like John Belushi said, "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Noooo. It's not over til WE say it's over!"
Try not to beat yourself up too badly. We ALL come into this sitch emotional and raw and most of us let these take over the rational parts of our brain.
Most of us learn. I think you're one of us.
Look at the S as time to regroup and recenter yourself. For some people, that's what they need to eventually R.
Most importantly, yes, you messed up, but you need to forgive yourself. Once you do that, you can move forward towards a newer and better you!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
