Hi, everyone, yet another newbie here to the DB community. I believe that this topic would more appropriately fall under the "Infidelity" category, but since it's my first official post here, it might as well fall under the "Newcomer" heading.
Both my wife and I are in our mid-twenties. We met in college, fell in love, moved in together for over four years, then married each other two years ago. In many ways, we had a very solid and mature relationship. We also had our share of ups and downs, with many more downs that I would have liked. Part of it is that this was my first and only relationship with ANYBODY (I was a loner growing up and didn't ever really date), so I made a lot of rookie mistakes. In addition, early in the relationship, I developed a kind of mental-only OCD that soon came to define who I was. Thoughts that usually don't bother other people shocked, disturbed, and worried me, and so I spent hours analyzing them for meaning and significance. This was perhaps the most destructive part of our relationship as every thought that bothered me had something to do with my wife (the way she looked, comparisons between her and other women, that sort of thing) and was thus extremely hurtful. Though I believe it was a kind of disorder, I made many mistakes in failing to handle it, and now the damage has been done.
Over the past year, my wife made frequent hints that she was unhappy with us -- even going so far as to mention that if our sex life didn't get better, she felt like she was going to "have an affair" with somebody else. I foolishly chose not to get too worried about these "hints." I arrogantly assumed that everything would just take care of itself in time and that we would always be together.
About a month and a half ago, only a month shy of our second anniversary, she revealed to me that she had met someone else at work and had begun an affair with him. (She told me this the day after she had slept with him for the first time, so I must admire her honesty in the matter.) During this period, she was extremely apologetic and upset at herself about her actions, said that I was a wonderful person who deserved better, and proclaimed that we would "probably get back together" after she spent a year finishing her internship in another state. Right now, she reasoned, she felt like she needed to pursue this other relationship until she moved. We would be separated during the next year, she told me, but she was not seeking a divorce. All she needed, she explained, was "space."
I immediately started doing all the usual "chasing" behaviors -- long-winded e-mails, frequent text messages, frequent phone calls. To my frustration, her remorse seemed to disappear, only to be replaced by annoyance at me. Worse, her relationship with the OM seemed to take off even faster with each passing day. Next thing I know, she wants a legal separation, soon to be followed by a divorce. She also informs me that the OM will be moving to live with her in her new state of residence. She is now blaming me in a variety of ways for ruining our relationship to the point of dissolution.
When she left, I felt like all hope was lost, but something inside me did not want to give up on us so easily. In situations like these, I research like a madman, and sooner or later, I caught wind of Michele's "Divorce Remedy." I picked up a copy and began underlining it furiously. I also read "After the Affair" and "Not Just Friends," two excellent books about infidelity that have really helped me understand what has been going on in my wife's head. All three of these books have become my lifeline during this time. If I had tried dealing with this without all of the useful information in those books, I would have definitely lost her for good.
I chose to finally post today because we had a "talk" last night. After a month and a half, she has informed me that she loves the OM so much that she is planning on marrying him someday and having his baby -- when we were just planning our kid's names less than three months ago. In my theory, the person I used to know as my wife has exited the building, only to be replaced by the "alien" so many people mention on this site; even her own family doesn't understand her anymore. At that point, I made up my mind not to trust everything that comes out of my wife's mouth as the pure truth, but it still scared me that I heard something so definite about the fact that she loves somebody else and no longer sees me in her future as anything else than a friend and a lost cause.
Today, I realized that if I was going to have any chance of getting through what is undoubtedly the hardest time of my life so far, I knew I was going to need some help. And wouldn't I be the biggest idiot if I didn't look to the countless people who have been or are in the same boat that I am now? I now officially join the thriving group of DB-ers who are far from giving up on their marriages, even though their spouses think otherwise.
Any comments, pieces of advice, or stories of people who have been in my shoes before are greatly welcomed. To be honest, I scanned the amazing count of success stories in the "Another Divorce Busted!" section during my entire lunch break today. I now feel confident that, no matter how bleak and horrible it looks for me, there is still hope. So many others have been where I am now and have lived to see their spouses come back happier than ever before! I will do anything to get my wonderful woman back and become the man that we both always knew I could be!
