I am glad you posted this over here. That is why I started this thread so we could share these with anyone that wants to stop by.
Here is one from my archives:
Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.
We get the two confused.
We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.
The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.
Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.
But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.
When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.
When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.
When you argue, you're working at improving them.
When you try to reason with them.
When you tell them how much you love them.
Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the a problem.
Proof? You want proof?
Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.
Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay.
And watch them improve themselves.
Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.
You have put the white flag up.
You've thrown your gun down.
That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.
It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.
This one to me is part of letting go. The struggle is fighting for what you want vs reality.
Their reality.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Gritter, CS... Great posts you guys. Dealing with much of this myself right now.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Or is it when that fear is conquered that you perform your best?
Peace.
But then what? Even after I recognize that fear does me no good, I still feel the fear. Maybe I'm getting better at hiding my emotions around my husband, but surely that isn't the foundation of a reconciled marriage, is it?
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
Or is it when that fear is conquered that you perform your best?
Peace.
But then what? Even after I recognize that fear does me no good, I still feel the fear. Maybe I'm getting better at hiding my emotions around my husband, but surely that isn't the foundation of a reconciled marriage, is it?
The recognition is only a step towards the goal, not the goal itself.
Hiding it can only last so long, and will most likely prolong it.
Think of a time since this drama in your life started when you felt really good. Even if it only lasted for a second.
Now think of a time where you felt this fear.
Were there differences in the external circumstances of your sitch between the two?
Or was it simply a difference in your state of mind?
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I see the fear and acceptance as one in the same now. If a person accepts that the marriage is over and you realize you can’t stop the divorce you lose the fear and accept the divorce. Take the bull by the horns.
As most of the posters on this board I was scared to death of divorce. I had to accept that my ex was not happy being married. In the beginning after I did all the begging, pleading, and I love you crap that eventually pushed her into a relationship with another man, I started following the advice on these boards not because I understood but because I had hope. My ex used the “you are not a man unless you divorce me”. So I let it happen. I haven’t even been divorced a week and she has contacted me more than she has in the last 6 months. I see it now as I gave her what she wanted or it could be that we are still in a custody battle. All I know is it just doesn’t matter anymore. I had to accept that she wanted the OM instead of me I was replaced. Do I think she is completely happy with OM? It doesn’t matter, that is her choice. If she decides down the road she made a mistake she will let me know, if not all a person can do is work on themselves and see where life leads.
This is an awesome thread! Fear is all in your head, just accept your fears and live.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
Hiding it can only last so long, and will most likely prolong it.
My coach encouraged me not to show negative emotions around my husband. And even before that, I could see that when I managed to keep my game face on, my husband seemed to enjoy (tolerate?) my company. If I lose my cool, he withdraws. So do what works? I am willing to believe that hiding my fear will prolong it, but that's a price I'd be willing to pay to improve my odds of reconciling my marriage.
Originally Posted By: Country_Song
Think of a time since this drama in your life started when you felt really good. Even if it only lasted for a second. Now think of a time where you felt this fear. Were there differences in the external circumstances of your sitch between the two? Or was it simply a difference in your state of mind?
Three occasions really jump out at me. This spring, when the first of the flowers in my yard opened, I walked out the front door and saw them and I was genuinely delighted. The feeling knocked me off balance because I realized I hadn't felt anything like that in such a long time. Last summer, I finished my first 5K. I don't actually like running, but whether my marriage survives is largely up to my husband; my success as a classroom teacher depends significantly on the choices my students make; but deciding to train for a 5K - that was mine to do or not do, and it felt good to have a piece of my life be within my control. When I picked my husband up at the train station at the end of his vacation. I was prepared to just hand over his car keys and say "welcome back," but he chose to spend the afternoon with me. We saw a silly movie and he showed me the pictures from his trip over dinner and then I got to show him my garden. We shared a little bit of our lives and we laughed a lot and it was wonderful. You're right that my situation hadn't changed - something was different about my state of mind. But how do I engineer my state of mind?
Originally Posted By: Seminolewind
If a person accepts that the marriage is over and you realize you can’t stop the divorce you lose the fear and accept the divorce.
What then is the distinction between Divorce-Busting and Divorce-Accepting? Maybe "Don't be discouraged. It's never too late to save your marriage!" is just a marketing slogan, but that's what I was hoping to find here.
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
If a person accepts that the marriage is over and you realize you can’t stop the divorce you lose the fear and accept the divorce.
What then is the distinction between Divorce-Busting and Divorce-Accepting? Maybe "Don't be discouraged. It's never too late to save your marriage!" is just a marketing slogan, but that's what I was hoping to find here.
What I was trying to say is you can't control what your spouse want's in life and the best way of dealing with that is to accept the decisions they make.
I am now divorced, who knows what the future has in store? None of us know that answer at this point. My exwife and I could reconcile down the road. I say you DB to save your M but it is also about saving you.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
