Needing Help PLEASE!!!!

[angel61]

I read somehwere here on the boards: Do you want to be right, or do you want to stay married?

I think there is no hard and fast rule.

Cyrena, MZ - both are success stories but who had to wait for their spouses to end the A over a span of time.

There are many conflicting concepts in handling spouses having A's. On one extreme, the Joyce brothers method, is to totally ignore it, on the premise that A's never last, will fizzle out, and he will come back. Surprisingly, I have heard real life stories from quite a number of people, and it seems to work. Think about it - having to hide the A, the guilt, - it would ultimately become old and take its toll. I think this works when the WAS is instrinsically good, family oriented .... like a lot of them here. One thing though - the LBS in this case has to be really, really strong.

On the other hand, Dobson's tough love approach. Give the ultimatum, and your boundaries.

This needs proper timing though. Too early, and you push your spouse to the OP. They are not ready to decide and might just as well decide against you.

Also, the WAS has a need to feel trusted, especially since they messed up so much. It is an attempt to hold on to their honor, to know that the spouse theyhad failed still has that remaining amount of respect that will enable them to come back. Part of keeping the road home paved and smooth. They know they are weak, may still stumble and fail, and if you set up stiff requirements, they might as well not do it. Checking up on them all the time makes them feel that they do not have the freedom to deal with it their own way, make their way back to you, and may push them away again.

We are weak, but our WAS are weaker that is why they have fallen.

The road to recovery is slow and painful.

But bailing out is not always the answer.

I know you are confused, but for the sake of the kids, do not rush into a decision. There is one thing on your side: time.