Don't know where I am

[Jack_Three_Beans]

But the wallowing part was right? : )

IC I want to be married. What I do not want is you telling me to start accepting I won't be. I have enough of that from other sources; that is for me and my wife to determine. So while you know alot about me, are you married? Have you been divorced? I want to know where you're coming from in this. I want skills and tools to help strength me.

The only quibble I have with your assessment is that I'm not like that about everything.

It's in your lawyer blood to quibble isn't it? : )

[Harrier]

I don't if that was a lucky guess.

My wife has 6 years of schooling, 1 year of internship and 2 years of postdoc in Psychology. She's as smart as they come.

She basically told me to tell my IC the same thing as you.

The only wallowing part that isn't quite right is that my W and I have made a deal not to tell our family/friends anything until we know more. No one in our family knows nor do our friends know.

[Harrier]

Honestly, my W is confusing me.

Saturday night, I was upset at things in general. I let a "sh!t" slip out in front of our son as I was taking him to bed to put him to sleep.

Oh man, did my W get a hold of that.

First I cursed myself for letting my emotions come out like that. They do come out at times, but usually I'm able to be friendly and light around her.

"Come in our room when you get S set up," she told me.

So I go into the room and she is quite pissed. First she wanted to stay exactly what I said. She thought she heard me say "you little sh!t," to my son. I explained.

then she starts asking me why I was mad. I said I was stressed by the situation and it just built up. somehow that was unacceptable for her.

We then talk about how I need to address my issues with her in a straight forward manner. I say there are some issue I can't address with you now. I just can't.

At one point, I say I handle my stress differently. She seem to think I said that she didn't have any, 'she then tells me how stressed she is, etc."

Then she says, "You're stressed? I want you out of my house."

I said, "Wait a minute this is our house. I understand why you feel that."

Then I do something kinda dumb. I say that because of our financial situation, it looks like it's not going to happen for while and we need to maybe start thinking creatively to accomplish her goals. (and mine.) I mean I don't see her working on things with me there.

Then she launches into, "I'm not saying that. You are, you are the one that's saying you should move out sooner. I'm not suggesting that."

I know she said the "wanted me out comment" out of anger.

She is confused about the move out plan, really confused. Maybe the last few weeks have played into that (thought Sat. night didnt' help)

She also said that she didn't want my flare ups to derail us and mentioned something about April (this confirmed my suspicions that my actions in April caused our piecing to end.)

So finally I apologize. Say that I can do better, etc. I will be talking to my IC about this too.

So then I'm downstairs playing Xbox when I get a txt from my W.

"Sorry about the fight. I know r r trying really hard, I see it everyday. I love u a lot and just want to keep moving forward without getting derailed. goodnight!"

Umm we are moving forward? here I thought we wee in limbo land. Derails us?

I basically kept my distance on Sunday and spent a lot of time playing with our youngest. He is a pistol for sure. i wasn't trying to be punitive though.

so then last night she is getting read to go to bed and says "sorry I'm so grouchy. I just feel off and i'm going to bed. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better."

I asked if it is anything specific she wants to talk about and she says no.

I think she was pissed at me for some reason, but I really didn't notice any outward grouchiness. I did see one incident that caused me to pause that she might be upset.Strange.

Then she was a cover hog all night. I know not to take their actions when they are sleeping for anything, but she always rolls away from me.

I find myself sad today though. I really miss the physical affection from her. I mean I see her and want to hug and kiss her. Having her sleep in the same bed can be tough at times.
Not to mention ML.

I am being patient on this, but I still miss it. My kids get extra hugs and kisses though.

[Sad_but_happy]

Just want to say good luck Harrier.

I have been reading and really feel for your situation.

It s*cks I know.


Keep working hard and going forward. You wull be successful.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

"Sorry about the fight. I know r r trying really hard, I see it everyday. I love u a lot and just want to keep moving forward without getting derailed. goodnight!"

Umm we are moving forward? here I thought we wee in limbo land. Derails us?

He said, she said, we said, they said...

She tells you the above...a (from my point of view) message that is not only an apology but a dam good sign. That she DOES see your effort.

But your pouting?

You guys had a fight, not a good one either lots of nasty; and SHE is the one to pull back from the edge, to offer the olive branch. She validates, and tones it down.

New ways to communicate. Maybe she has always done this? But I'm not sure, what I see is an example of trying to keep the lines open.

De-rail, she said it at least twice, unless these are your words not hers. Important words to her. She is worried, because she does like the changes in your dynamic. She doesn't want to fail either.

She sees movement, you see none? (Limbo)None? Look back then to see distance. It's a question of PACE. The convoy moves as fast as the slowest ship.

[Harrier]

Well I can't capture the essence of the whole argument. But I notice that we both do efforts to pull it back, make repair attempts (breathers, olive branch) etc. Maybe this one was on her more...noted.

Derail was her words. It's probably one of her favorites.

I have thought about....the looking at her phone wasn't the problem.

April was the problem. I don't know if I ever chronicled it here. April was huge in our marriage. She's scared April will happen again.

Movement. I don't know. We went from MC, ML, kissing, hugging, other signs of affection to where we are now. None of that. Maybe movement on her part, but I have to trust its there.

[angel61]

Harrier,

April was a problem, the phone was also. Makes your realize what does NOT work, and what does.

But you have to dig deeper into why those events triggered negatives. And then extrapolate.

The arguments - he said, she said .... those are just words. In the end, its the actions that matter.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

How was your weekend Harrier?

Hoping you are doing well.

[Harrier]

maybe an update later...maybe not.

My Xbox 360's laser died this weekend.