Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Kaffe, if you're not an Aspie, you have one heck of a talent for reading them. What do you do for a living?

I do have problems handling novel situations - that stresses me out tremendously, and those are often the times I get out of control. Freak out, overreact, you know.

I kind of like the idea you have about an "other" folder...a sort of default response, when other responses, to circumstances I know, are not triggered. I am not sure exactly what kind of response that would be. I have to think about that, maybe even take it up with my therapist.

Well, I don't know exactly how talented I am, but first thing, I have to find the time. I guess a lot of that is going to depend on learning to spend less time worrying - that should free up a little bit .

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "opening the gates a little at a time." Gates to what? My feelings? My own, separate life? I might be able to think about implementing that better if I knew.

Thank you for your affirmation of ME. I know, now, that the only way she is, or I am, going to love me is for myself, not for someone else I am pretending to be. Even if I could win her affections by being someone I am not, it couldn't last. That is probably part of what got us into this mess in the first place.

Well, I finally went to the library and checked out DR - never saw the "updated" version, and I don't remember much of the original, so I really need the refresher. Wish I wasn't such a slow reader.

Finally, yesterday I let my mouth slip a little bit, but caught myself quickly. My wife came home and my son had a minor injury (shut his hand in the car door). I told him to go inside and we would see how much it swelled. W came to me later and said it makes her mad that I (an advanced practice nurse) didn't immediately take care of him, ice it, etc. Honestly, as I write it here, I can't really give a good reason why I didn't. But at that moment what I heard her saying was, "What kind of nurse are you? What kind of father are you?" It attacked me to my core, because I don't really have much of a life of my own yet, and the "husband" role is kind of wrecked right now, so the nurse and the father are pretty much all of my identity. I know, my own insecurities, not her problem. I stood there, silent, not knowing what to say. She looked like she wanted an answer, and I couldn't come up with one. A few minutes later, I snapped at her about it, but after I said the first sentence, I knew I was going to lose control (usually happens when I feel defensive), so I said, "I can't talk now," and walked quickly out of the room.

So, not as good as recognizing a loss of control before it happened, but better than letting it spiral out of control. I'll give myself half credit.

This is kind of big, because two nights in a row I cut off a potential meltdown - and I have never really been able to do that once before.

Still, W was kind of cold for the rest of the night, and things were a little tense.

One of my problems is I have trouble having confidence. I always look for some kind of feedback to let me know that what I am doing is on the right track. Makes it difficult in a run that is a "marathon."

Thanks for listening.