When H came home everything was great for a while, then he started to cool off again. Why? Was it something YOU were doing. Had YOU turned back into the old LL which made him turn back into the old H. Does H see you as this whining needy person who is always begging for more intimacy? Is that turning him off ever giving it? I think it is more the fact that I stopped being pissy and needing to get away...when he first came home there would be some days when I just didn't want to be here...couldn't "act as if" so I'd take off and go to a movie or something by myself...I think h has just gotten too comfortable here again.
Maybe you need to sit him down and instead of saying either you do XYZ or I'm leaving you say: when you first came back home we were great together and I felt like I had back the man I fell in love with. I must be doing something to turn you off since then and I can't figure out what it is. been there done that, same old song and dance my friend
Then just listen and see if he will tell you. Don't argue back just try to listen. listen to the silence? h hasn't a clue...he response was always...just be you...huh? wasn't it me being me that made you leave? oh ya wait nope it wasn't it was becuase you couldn't handle the "stress" of having a house built that I moved us into and the fact that I was carrying your second child and you couldn't even get your butt home to spend time with your first...hmmm? but it was my fault??? You are in the process you say of detatching to the point of giving up, his behaviour looks to me like he is doing the same thing. his behaviour looks much like it has for years...actually not much different than our first year or so of marriage There must be some reason for it LL. well I sure as heck don't know what the reason is It is hard to see ourselves as the guilty party LL (believe me I should know). My H once asked me in an argument to tell him what I thought my faults were. I thought very hard and eventually came up with - "well I guess this must be it - I don't have any". It has been extremely difficult for me to understand that I might have been doing anything wrong in this R and it still is, but the more I step back and try to do that the more he comes creeping back out of his cave. I know the things I used to do...like complaining out loud directly to him, trying to initiate sex, asking him to go anywhere or do anything etc.
DBing is all about changing ourselves. There is a positive side to that and a negative side. I believe you have worked hard on the positive side so now it comes to the really tough stuff. the tough stuff? I know I am not perfect but there's not much left to change...honestly I am a better person without h and I tend to think he's a better person without me too!
