Time for a new thread...thought I'd do the honours this time!
Something jumped out at me in your last post. I'm not sure this is GOOD news, but here goes.
You've mentioned that your H's excuse for not filling certain of your needs (QT, sex, etc) because "it's just not him"...
Then he goes and shows these things (well maybe not the sex!) to OW....
BUT rather than this being a side of himself he hid from you, couldn't it be part of the whole alien, MLC, "new forbidden fantasy land", world he was living in? That insane rush of "new love" ...
And I hate to say it, but some of that rubbed off on our M in the early days (as when your H first came home).
So really LL, I don't know what's better....he can be very romantic, sharing, QT...but is just withholding it from you...or that stuff does NOT come naturally to him and he's just being himself!
Seems to me men have Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation as their LLs. In other words they want someone to iron their shirts and massage their egos.
Women have QT and PT. In other words we want to sit and cuddle and talk. Why can't men realise they would get their shirts ironed and the egos massaged if they would just sit and talk to us!
OK LL here comes the 2X4
When H came home everything was great for a while, then he started to cool off again. Why? Was it something YOU were doing. Had YOU turned back into the old LL which made him turn back into the old H. Does H see you as this whining needy person who is always begging for more intimacy? Is that turning him off ever giving it?
Maybe you need to sit him down and instead of saying either you do XYZ or I'm leaving you say: when you first came back home we were great together and I felt like I had back the man I fell in love with. I must be doing something to turn you off since then and I can't figure out what it is.
Then just listen and see if he will tell you. Don't argue back just try to listen. You are in the process you say of detatching to the point of giving up, his behaviour looks to me like he is doing the same thing. There must be some reason for it LL. It is hard to see ourselves as the guilty party LL (believe me I should know). My H once asked me in an argument to tell him what I thought my faults were. I thought very hard and eventually came up with - "well I guess this must be it - I don't have any". It has been extremely difficult for me to understand that I might have been doing anything wrong in this R and it still is, but the more I step back and try to do that the more he comes creeping back out of his cave.
DBing is all about changing ourselves. There is a positive side to that and a negative side. I believe you have worked hard on the positive side so now it comes to the really tough stuff.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
don't want to walk this road right now but am doing some thinking while I bake christmas cookies (had to hide todays batch while dd and I were out shopping and a good thing I hid them good cause bil and h both went searching for them)
Quote: So really LL, I don't know what's better....he can be very romantic, sharing, QT...but is just withholding it from you...or that stuff does NOT come naturally to him and he's just being himself!
of course that stuff doesn't just come with ease to him (that's more a true statement than naturally) however he is capable if driven...
so then it is worse to know that he is at least somewhat capable and just "isn't that way" with me.
for whatever reasons..that are clearly unbenounst to me..cept for maybe the fact that it's pretty damn clear that he doesn't have to do a damn thing and I'll still be there.
When H came home everything was great for a while, then he started to cool off again. Why? Was it something YOU were doing. Had YOU turned back into the old LL which made him turn back into the old H. Does H see you as this whining needy person who is always begging for more intimacy? Is that turning him off ever giving it? I think it is more the fact that I stopped being pissy and needing to get away...when he first came home there would be some days when I just didn't want to be here...couldn't "act as if" so I'd take off and go to a movie or something by myself...I think h has just gotten too comfortable here again.
Maybe you need to sit him down and instead of saying either you do XYZ or I'm leaving you say: when you first came back home we were great together and I felt like I had back the man I fell in love with. I must be doing something to turn you off since then and I can't figure out what it is. been there done that, same old song and dance my friend
Then just listen and see if he will tell you. Don't argue back just try to listen. listen to the silence? h hasn't a clue...he response was always...just be you...huh? wasn't it me being me that made you leave? oh ya wait nope it wasn't it was becuase you couldn't handle the "stress" of having a house built that I moved us into and the fact that I was carrying your second child and you couldn't even get your butt home to spend time with your first...hmmm? but it was my fault??? You are in the process you say of detatching to the point of giving up, his behaviour looks to me like he is doing the same thing. his behaviour looks much like it has for years...actually not much different than our first year or so of marriage There must be some reason for it LL. well I sure as heck don't know what the reason is It is hard to see ourselves as the guilty party LL (believe me I should know). My H once asked me in an argument to tell him what I thought my faults were. I thought very hard and eventually came up with - "well I guess this must be it - I don't have any". It has been extremely difficult for me to understand that I might have been doing anything wrong in this R and it still is, but the more I step back and try to do that the more he comes creeping back out of his cave. I know the things I used to do...like complaining out loud directly to him, trying to initiate sex, asking him to go anywhere or do anything etc.
DBing is all about changing ourselves. There is a positive side to that and a negative side. I believe you have worked hard on the positive side so now it comes to the really tough stuff. the tough stuff? I know I am not perfect but there's not much left to change...honestly I am a better person without h and I tend to think he's a better person without me too!
Exactly the problem. You are too willing and able to meet his needs, etc... Men like a challenge. Give him one. What could you do to add mystery and intrigue into your M?
I was talking to a friend of mine today. She told me how her 20 yr. sister was dating a great guy, but that she told him she needed a break over the xmas break. She says boyfriend is always at her beck and call. One day her BoyF did not respond when she text messaged him. She thought, hmmm?? She waited and then she actually drove to his place. He arrived when she got there and went into a long explanation about where he had been, how he forgot to log off comp., asked if she was worried....
She was turned off by that. She said she wished he had just said, "I was out." See the mystery?
Thanks for responding on my thread. So would you let a "casual date" move back in with you? nik
Quote: I think it is more the fact that I stopped being pissy and needing to get away...when he first came home there would be some days when I just didn't want to be here...couldn't "act as if" so I'd take off and go to a movie or something by myself...I think h has just gotten too comfortable here again.
LL....I think a ways back I posted to you...why not dump the kids on the couch and say I'm outta here for a few hours...
It seems you have a precedent for such or similar behaviour and, ahem, your H took a lot more notice of you and your needs at that time!!!
Time for you start doing this again LL. It seems with your H, actions speak louder than words.
OK LL you have tried everything. Doesn't it say in DB that even if it doesn't work then at least you know you have tried. And you have sorted yourself out in the processs.
I think Shiny's point is right on the button BTW.
Now if you would like to stick around a few more years till the kiddos are in school then maybe you just hunker down and get on with it. Look at it like a job and just do it. (after all he pays the bills right?) I feel like I am in a very similar sitch to you but maybe for different reasons. I am definitely like you in that whoever I was when I married my H isn't who I am now. This Fran isn't so sure she wants to be married to the guy the other Fran picked out.
I don't want to hijack your thread with my own story, if you can be bothered then here it is.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
no excuses get back to the gym even if ya gotta go at night!
no more non-productive pissin and moaning about h..if I don't like things I need to change what I'm doing and not worry about what may happen down the road!
do one selfish thing a week (ok at least one!)
I'm sure as the new year gets closer I'll come up with more but that's a start.
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