Since separated, we only exchanged emails a few times about practical things. Last Friday I decided to test the waters. This is the log of the events:
Friday: I sent a (phone) text asking my wife if she was comfortable to have a chat one of these days.
Saturday afternoon: my wife didn't answer and I sent another text to clarify the previous one: I was only suggesting to have a chat over Messenger, and after than we can meet to have a conversation about things she wants to tell me and that I want to hear.
Saturday afternoon: my wife answers back saying that Messenger would be okay at some point, that she's not ready to meet yet, and asking what are those things she wants to tell and that I want to hear.
Saturday evening: I answer saying that I'm not interested in anything special, just wanted to "hear from her", and that we can meet when we both feel comfortable.
Sunday evening: my wife sends me a text saying that she understands, that she's having an early night (first time she mentions something personal), that her phone is playing funny (displaying strange characters) and that she'll be back to me when the replacement phone arrives (Monday).
Monday morning: my wife texts me some bank activation codes.
Monday morning: I reply to thank, and to say I laughed with the text with messed-up characters that she sent Sunday evening.
Monday morning: my wife replies saying that she doesn't mind to forward me bank information, that she doesn't mind with what I do in our joint bank account.
Monday morning: immediately after the previous text, my wife sends me another one joking with the way her phone is messing-up the characters.
Monday lunch-time: I reply laughing, asking her to stop because I was trying to look serious in a meeting, and said that I was hungry and the meeting still going on. I asked if she wanted to swap with me. I got no reply.
Tuesday morning: my wife has the new phone and texts me to ask if I can change the bank account online security details because she forgot to erase them from the old phone before returning it. The text is cold, simple and clear.
Tuesday lunch-time: I change the security details and send her a text with the new ones, without any emotions.
Tuesday lunch-time: my wife answers back to thank, in a cold fashion, saying that she "really appreciated".
My conclusion: it didn't go that well because I gave too many and too long steps, and because my wife isn't ready. I shouldn't have mentioned any meeting in the second text, I sure shouldn't have suggested any type of subject for the conversation. I was also too "adventurous" in the text where I mentioned I was hungry in a meeting. My wife did accept to talk over Messenger at some point and was also emotional and funny in some of the messages.
I will step back for some more time and wait to see what happens, as this didn't go very well.
What do you think?
Thank you, regards.
Me: 36 Wife: 33 Together: 09/2007 Married: 03/2010 I love you but...: 06/2011 Separated: 06/2011 Rebuilding: 11/2011
More observations: my texts were generally longer and my answers were quicker than my wife's. This denotes that I need to communicate more than her, which isn't very strong.
Me: 36 Wife: 33 Together: 09/2007 Married: 03/2010 I love you but...: 06/2011 Separated: 06/2011 Rebuilding: 11/2011
I'm starting to think that you DO actually have to MAKE EVERY EFFORT to have the "talk" with your W... whatever it takes, just get it out there and have the talk with her...
Because it is apparent that you really need to do that...
No need to beat around the bush with her. Figure out when you can meet and talk...
I strongly suspect it won't go too well, but I could be wrong... only having that conversation with her will tell...
And if it goes great, fantastic...
and if it goes south... well... then you will fully understand what it's like to have the R talk and have it go south...
I'm starting to think that you DO actually have to MAKE EVERY EFFORT to have the "talk" with your W... whatever it takes, just get it out there and have the talk with her...
Because it is apparent that you really need to do that...
No need to beat around the bush with her. Figure out when you can meet and talk...
I strongly suspect it won't go too well, but I could be wrong... only having that conversation with her will tell...
And if it goes great, fantastic...
and if it goes south... well... then you will fully understand what it's like to have the R talk and have it go south...
Couldn't agree more KD.......
Lonely, I am not sure that you are comprehending what we are saying to you.
You acknowledge it in one post and then in the next you are disecting a few text exchanges with her that very clearly did not go well.
YOU are obsessing........
You are loosing YOU.......quickly.
Re-read your thread up until now.........
Does it sound sane?????
If so, go ahead......set up the meeting and if she resists, press her hard.......you must do this.......you must make it worse.
Let us know how it goes.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
This is how I work: I've made mistakes in the last few days. Now, I'm trying to fully understand what exactly happened in my mind and emotions to make sure that it won't happen again.
I won't communicate with my wife again for the time being. I'll wait to see what happens. I planted the seed, I said what was on my mind, that eventually we need to have a chat with each other, and now I'm done.
What was making me desperate was the limbo situation I was living in. She dumped me 7 weeks ago in the worst moment of my life, while I have to support my mother's fight with cancer. I had to almost start a new life in a place where I have no family nor friends.
And she didn't even have the dignity to tell me what exactly she wants after 7 weeks, while she's moving on, meeting socialising groups, re-decorating the house, etc.. What I feel is that she's like a monkey that only releases one branch of the tree when it's secured to the new one. And I'm the branch that is being left behind. Tell me about dignity again! What I did was exactly that, maintain my dignity, while externally it might seem exactly the opposite.
Thank you all, cheers.
Me: 36 Wife: 33 Together: 09/2007 Married: 03/2010 I love you but...: 06/2011 Separated: 06/2011 Rebuilding: 11/2011
If you are just venting / journaling / trying to "make sense"... that's great...
Understand that to many of us here, it is coming across as obsessing...
If that's not the case, then great...
How we "process" the past, the now, and the possible futures... to each our own... it needs to happen...
many of us, which is what's suggested strongly in DB is... while we are processing, we GAL, we 180, we move forward and detach...
processing continuously makes detaching real hard... maybe if you process in chunks... between the more often occasions of GALing and other of life's duties... it might help you...
it's all good... your journey will be as unique as any other here on this board...
I will step back for some more time and wait to see what happens, as this didn't go very well.
I wanted to make sure I went back and re-read what you wrote and I do see that you acknowledge that it did not go well and I also see that you are going to pull back........
Great assessments and action plan......
please stick to it.
Apologies if I/we came across harsh.
I do still think that "over-analyzing is not healthy for YOU.
This whole process, this journey is about YOU......
not her.
Save yourself in order that you might save your marriage.
Cheers.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
