Seems to me men have Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation as their LLs. In other words they want someone to iron their shirts and massage their egos.
Women have QT and PT. In other words we want to sit and cuddle and talk. Why can't men realise they would get their shirts ironed and the egos massaged if they would just sit and talk to us!
OK LL here comes the 2X4
When H came home everything was great for a while, then he started to cool off again. Why? Was it something YOU were doing. Had YOU turned back into the old LL which made him turn back into the old H. Does H see you as this whining needy person who is always begging for more intimacy? Is that turning him off ever giving it?
Maybe you need to sit him down and instead of saying either you do XYZ or I'm leaving you say: when you first came back home we were great together and I felt like I had back the man I fell in love with. I must be doing something to turn you off since then and I can't figure out what it is.
Then just listen and see if he will tell you. Don't argue back just try to listen. You are in the process you say of detatching to the point of giving up, his behaviour looks to me like he is doing the same thing. There must be some reason for it LL. It is hard to see ourselves as the guilty party LL (believe me I should know). My H once asked me in an argument to tell him what I thought my faults were. I thought very hard and eventually came up with - "well I guess this must be it - I don't have any". It has been extremely difficult for me to understand that I might have been doing anything wrong in this R and it still is, but the more I step back and try to do that the more he comes creeping back out of his cave.
DBing is all about changing ourselves. There is a positive side to that and a negative side. I believe you have worked hard on the positive side so now it comes to the really tough stuff.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
