1) W hasn’t disclosed anything, but I can’t approach her with what I know, so I pretend not to know. Is there anything I can do to encourage W to be straightforward? Attempting to talk about us won’t work… W would consider that nagging, so I leave it alone.
Yes, she would see it as "nagging," and "controlling," and she would only LIE about it anyways. All cheaters lie -- PERIOD.
There IS a way to handle this, though. You simply say (calmly) "We need to talk. I know all about you and (OM's first name), and it needs to stop, now. This is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and even to (SD's first name). You're a grown woman, and I can't and won't control you, but know this -- I will not live in an open marriage. If this is the way you choose to end our marriage, then I will take whatever steps necessary in order to protect myself, and you'll need to find another place to live. I value myself too much to share my wife with another man."
then "I have an important, and some thinking to do. I won't be home late." And then leave.
Do NOT, under any circumstances, reveal the source of your intel. She will most likely press you for WHAT you know, and HOW you know it. Simply say "I'm not going to tell you that," (i've also seen it done where -- if, say, a keylogger on her computer is the source of your intel, you say here "I'm not going to tell you; I made a promise to someone that I wouldn't betray his [or her] confidence." Let her wonder who told you).
PRACTICE this, ahead of time, and pray for calmness and wisdom in delivering it, if you're so inclined. It's a defining moment in your life, and you only get one crack at it. At some point soon, you can deliver "Part 2" of this, which will include something like "End your affair, and I think you will find that I'm ready to address any and all issues, including my own role in our marriage. But I'm not going to discuss our marriage with you so long as there's a third person involved."
I'm trying to suggest to you, COG, that there is a "3rd way" in between "Angry Confrontation" and "Ignore it and Stick Your Head in the Sand." I've been studying affairs for years -- literally, thousands of them -- and there's only two ways I've seen work:
1. Aggressively (but calmly) attack it; or
2. Confidently LET THEM GO.
There are pro's and con's to each approach, and success stories here for both. But "Little Bo-Peep" (you know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them") doesn't work. Affairs are highly addictive, and what other addiction do you know that goes away on its own? They don't -- they usually ESCALATE.
One final, important note: you need to firewall your finances, ASAP. You already have evidence that your wife is using marital assets on her affair. You need to protect yourself, and that should include getting a consultation with a good family law attorney. It doesn't mean you have to DO anything, but you should know your rights and responsibilities here at this difficult time.
I'm sorry, I know this is blunt, and I know this SUKKS. If it's any consolation, read up all you can on infidelity -- it all follows a very predictable "script," and there are many others who have been thru this who can help you.
