Short form for those who haven't followed: high school sweethearts, met at 15/16, married after college, great marriage for about 18 years, though heavily one-sided in terms of income. My aviation job had us moving around every 4-5 years and so my W collected advanced degrees: MA English, MBA, MS Marketing, now PhD in communications. I didn't mind "investing" in her because I knew it would pay off.
I left my career to follow her at about the 10-year point and she couldn't get a job so I re-upped, at about which point she was struck with depression. For the next 5-6 years things went well and then I got a chance for work to send me overseas to get my own PhD, which I finished in 3 years. The time in England was fantastic fun, but she was getting a little down.
About this time she was studying a neopagan retreat for her PhD, and as I've discovered from reading the journals she left behind, she was developing two feelings: one was a feeling that although she wasn't afraid I would ever leave, she thought she might because of "feelings of low self-esteem"; simultaneously, some of the young polyamorous men at this retreat started sexually propositioning her, which she found pretty intriguing; when she came back home, she started asking if I would be interested in a mistress. Needless to say, I was not.
Anyway, when moving back to the states this came to a head; she "switched off" like a light and lost interest in me and the marriage, staying around to see if I could "give her a reason to stay" (I couldn't--her mind was basically made up). A month before our 19th anniversary she ambushed me in counseling and ran away to her pagan friends several states away; a week before our anniversary she served me with papers. After assuring me we would do a collaborative mediated divorce, she decided after 2-3 email exchanges that "we just weren't seeing eye to eye" and lawyered up, putting her retainer on a credit card.
For my own part, I have been seriously working on myself. To force myself out of the house and to be more social, I've taken improv theater workshops and dance classes, two hobbies which have turned out very well for me--they've increased my confidence and got me laughing and meeting interesting people outside my norm (I'm a scientist now, not a pilot, so I just don't run into acting/dancing folks with much regularity ). If it weren't for the tragedy of my failed marriage, everything in life would be fantastic. And I can tell I'm going to have a great life once I get over this.
But I still have bad days. After about a whole good week, last night I just really missed the time when she wasn't just my wife, she was my lady, and I never need fear anything, and I lay in bed and cried for about half an hour. But now she's surrounded by "friends" who are absolutely toxic to our marriage and probably marriage in general, who have convinced her that she is entitled to take everything she can.
Good days and bad days, and frankly the good are starting to outnumber the bad. But I still wish this wasn't happening.
As GBlue mentioned, great similarities in our journeys. I'm going through a rough period too, so doing the best I can to plow my way through it. As GB stated, sadly he's right...too many enablers around our WAW to divert course. My WAW hasn't crammed the legal issues down my throat yet, but I see it coming. She goes through periods of no contact and then in a fury, I deal with the encounter out of the blue.
Again appreciate your journaling...it's a big help to me.
Hang in my friend!
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
I'd agree, wawinla; similar situations, similar reversals from W, similar things said by them, similar apparent attempt to escape from reality.
Just got my "Verified Response to Petitioner's Petition for Dissolution of Marriage" today and have to go get my notarized signature on it. Hard to tell what I feel about it. I either want her back AND HEALTHY or I want this completely over so I can move on.
What's really frustrating right now is that despite her degrees, she is earning the best salary of her life... for leaving me. And I'm paying it in return for... what? Paying her apartment so she can live away from me, paying for her car so that she can take vacations to her sister on my dime, paying for her phone so she can send texts to the OM mentioned in her journal? I've paid already. I'm tired of it.
Well, last night with the folks in town and today I got the "response to petition for dissolution of marriage" from my lawyers to sign and notarize. So pretty rough day, and couldn't get hold of some of my supporters so going to have a hard time sleeping.
Actually that's not true. I have a hard time calling some of them up when I'm low because of course when you're low, you feel like you shouldn't burden anyone with it. But I'll have to get over that.
What my gut wants me to do is cocoon in the house and isolate myself, so I'm going to have to take an even more active role in getting out of the house. I guess tomorrow I'll call one of the (platonic-friend) women in the dance classes and see which lessons she's going to so there's a friendly face; fri-sat-sun I have things (fri/sat have practice dances and the next round of improv starts Sunday). And that'll help but not enough; today I just spiraled down into a rut of how unfair this is and how I'm being taken advantage of.
Eh. I'm at a point where good days really outnumber the bad. But still feel horribly alone, and I still don't do any social things outside of structured events like classes. May have to try a few "platonic dates" (it's not that I don't have guy friends, but they're mostly work associates and we just don't do things outside work).
This sure still [censored]. Just because it's getting better doesn't mean it doesn't suck!
Yeah... and it's all so surreal still, like I'm watching it happen to someone else. And so jarring to be the higher wage earner and realize that I have to do most of the work for the divorce and will be paying more, for a result I don't even want.
Woke up at 4am, can't sleep, bleah. Think this is going to be a rough week, but the weekend should be fun-ish. Ish. I just really wish she was back and loving. I miss her so terribly much. This whole thing is making me grow, in ways I probably needed, and I've met some great people, and there are good times on the horizon... but I just miss her. She was a selfish, depressed, low-self-esteem woman... but she was mine, and would have done anything for her.
(except, I guess, send her away for five years for ANOTHER advanced degree... or share her with her new poly friends. So I guess that's true for only sufficiently small values of "anything", but I still would have, and did, a whole heck of a lot, and being treated like a vending machine just hurts a whole bunch).
I know what you mean I feel that way now too sometimes, and mine is supposedly not WAW, although we sure have a weird marriage right now. Hos even if she comes back learn your boundaries, and learn how to enforce them. I still have a hard time with that sometimes.
I know you want her back, but not as the selfish person she is. Otherwise she will do this to you all over again, once her fancy kicks in again.
Sure do miss her though. She was my lady. I'll never understand this.
Sent her the refund check for "her" deposit on the gas utility with a note just quoting escalation lines from her emails and brief explanation that until she can be consistent with herself, I am reluctant to talk.
And I do miss talking with her. She was such a good person until this happened. How could it even be?
Bleah. Just a down day. Need social interaction as well as practice being alone, I guess.
It's been curious, actually. Work is starting to spin up for the new school year (class starts... in an hour or so!) and being in front of students is generally good for me. I've had more time for hobbies (dancing/improv) since my folks left, though I miss them.
Generally, my mental outlook has been pretty good. I did have a day of 2hrs sleep, but I didn't wake up depressed and lonely--I just couldn't sleep. Had a conversation with my law office yesterday (sworn financial statement) and that process usually drags me into a depressive spiral, and it just didn't this time. So detaching seems to be going well. Was able to flirt playfully with a friend (not a romantic prospect or serious flirting) without feeling depressed.
So all that is good... but none of it involves fixing my marriage, which probably means I've given up trying, and that's sad. It's just that I don't know what I could possibly do; I'm doing great work on myself, but I can't make my W care about that. And I really feel like I've given up on the legal institution of marriage, and that makes me sad too (I have not given up on love, affection, or even long-term relationships, but in the years-from-now even that I marry again, I'm getting an iron-clad prenup).
So... doing as well as could be expected under the circumstances, and probably a good deal better than that. Very disappointed in my W, and that probably is not going to change. I was interested that part of the early D proceedings may involve getting a professional to evaluate her situation and determine how employable she is to see if she's dragging her feet on getting a job... which I'm guessing, what with the three masters' and all-but-done PhD, is going to be a wakeup call for her that just cashing my checks and taking vacations to see her sister might not be the best course of action.
And hey, maybe she'll wake up before time runs out. But right now I just really want my life and my income back instead of having both of them held hostage by someone I no longer remotely understand.
). If it weren't for the tragedy of my failed marriage, everything in life would be fantastic. And I can tell I'm going to have a great life once I get over this.