Sorry for the length of this post. I am new so forgive me if I don't convey this perfectly.
First here is a synopsis of what has happened:
M: 34 W: 32 Married: 4 yrs. 7/20/77 Daugther: 1 yr. 7/11/10 Possible trigger: Pregnancy or earlier? 1st Bomb: 3/2/10 ILYBINILWY Sep: 3/2/10 to 3/8/10 2nd Bomb:7/1/11 PA/EA with OM 76/15/11 to current DSep: 8/1/11
So my W appeared to be very happy with our marriage until about 9/09 when she decided that she needed a baby. We were having some trouble, but were trying and eventually succeeded. We found out she was pregnant in Nov., then she decided to get a nose ring. Then in March she gave me the ILYBNILWY and moved out to her friends couch for a week. I used Dbing techniques of going dark and by the end of the week she was back. Unfortunately, I did not do the real work on me. I got sidelined by my job and the pregancy and although we were both unhappy I was trying to make sure we had date night once a week and fashioned my work schedule so we could spend more time together. (Our work schedules really contrasted so it was hard to see each other everyday.)
After having the baby, she really struggled with adjusting to being a mother and sought counseling. She started losing a lot of weight, which apparently her counselor told her she had an eating disorder. She then decided to change her hair from blonde to brown and got a tatoo.
In May 2011, she started saying she was sick almost everyday. It was bad enough that we hadn't had sex for a month. Then in June we had sex once, apparently right after she started her affair. I sensed something was wrong and approached her on it and she dropped the 2nd bomb.
I asked her if she was having an affair and she denied it. My gut was telling me otherwise so regretably, I checked out her facebook and her old phone (she got a new one) and found out that she is currently having an affair.
I then (stupidly) took her ring (which she hadn't worn for a year "it doesn't fit me, I need to have it refitted")and hid it in my office for safe keeping. After 4 days she found it was missing and confronted me on it. I retruned it appologized, and explained that I wasn't thinking clearly at the time and was afraid she would pawn it and use it against me to keep the daughter. (dumb move, I know.) She then informed me that I need to find an apt. by the end of the month or she would. Being I have a lot of student loan and could not afford our apt. on my own I found a cheaper one and will be moving out on Mon.
She apparently wants to separate and agreed to a 6 month trail separation. I have been packing and not saying much to her, but have been polite at home if approached. I am avoiding texts except for the business of the separation and the ones concerning our child.
I plan to work on myself and will be more assertive in the future with everyone.
Just wanted to know what everyone thinks of this sitch. Is it a MLC? How long do you think it began. She had a gastric bypass in 2002 also so that may have triggered it. Just wondering, i am still working on myself though.
P.S. This can happen to anyone. I am a family therapist and still missed the obvious signs!
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
I'm going to call you shell, simply because It sounds better than Scared, and when I first saw it I saw Scared a Shell. (Find humor where you can buddy)
Is it a MLC?
I used to say that no one is an expert here. Until...you showed up. You have the (I assume) degree to back this up, more than any of us do.
My wife had an MLC. I can say that.
Did Mach's or Grit's wife? I have an opinion, but... That is really up to them to determine.
There are a ton of resources at the top of this part of the board. Alot of reading.
If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck and walks like a duck...
You know what I mean?
Ultimately it is up to you to determine.
MLC plays a lot differently than a standard Walk Away Spouse. You playing a long game with patience and your sucking up alot of grief on purpose. I always saw it as outlasting their MLC.
And for the record? I HATE the term MLC, because it has been streotyped, red sports car and banging the secretary, or desperate housewives type of stuff.
The trigger for an MLC?
Well, the gastric bypass if pressed I would say is less likely a trigger, if anything it is a symptom. (Looking good) Like an affair.
If you have not yet read Divorce Remedy, go read it. Very good info in there.
Others will drop by and say welcome and how sorry they are.
Welcome Shell.
As for sorry?
I am glad I went through this, many others are as well, so I'm not sorry, if you stick around, leanr and grow? You won't be either.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I just started reading and researching on the MLC and even though I am a therapist, I still have much to learn and have never studied this subject. I am really trying to use this opportunity to work on myself and that instead of seeing the glass as half empty or half full, just being happy that I have a glass! I see the PA as a positive because it may possibly be the one thing that can save what was a failing marriage. Like the Pheonix rising from the ashes, I hope the marriage will take a new form and if it doesn't, i know that I sure will!
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments.
GAL. Detach. - The single most important thing you can do
You have been given a GIFT The gift of TIME. - Use is wisely.
What can you tell us about your W's childhood/teen years? Any traumatic events or situations?
I have heard and read that people that go through GP surgery often will replace the addiction to food for some other kind of addiction. Sometimes alcohol, drugs, etc. Do you know if your W substituted anything for food?
The way you write your story it sounds like your wife keeps searching for something to make her happy.
Were you two in a good place in your M to bring a baby into the fold? Was a baby something you both wanted and were excited about?
You said you had trouble conceiving. Did your W have to have any help to achieve the pregnancy, such as infertility treatments, IV, or something else? I ask because I know that those treatments can throw a wrench into the works as far as throwing hormone balances off.
Did your W experience PPD after the baby was born?
Have you noticed depression throughout her crisis?
You are so right. It's so hard to see the signs when you're living in the eye of the storm.
Please keep posting. It's a good place to vent, and get support.
Here's some more information to what has been asked.
My W had a pretty controlling mother who to this day has had serious issues regarding body image and passes this poison on to the W almost everytime they talk. W seems pretty vague about possibly being sexually abused, like she doesn't remember it happening but has night terrors at times. Her parents paid for the gastric bypass in 2002. She promptly lost weight and started dating every guy in town. She then met up with a real gentelman who knocked her up and abandoned her on the day she had to get an abort. Her parents paid for that too.
She then decided to quit seeing those type of guys and guys altogether, before I came into her life. I am the complete opposite of those guys she was dating.
She is in constant competition with her youngest sister who is uber athletic and runs marathons. My guess is the need for the baby was to get positive attention from parents for a while before lil' sis could. Guess what. Lil' sis got married last year, to which W through a hissy during the reception and stayed in her room the whole night. Then 3 months later lil' sis was pregnant and stole the thunder for a while. Never mind the fact that lil' sis lives 2000 miles away from us and GPA and GMA and we only live 150 miles from her parents. Her parents have always been good to me and I can see where Mom's stuff affects W. Dad is pretty nice and kinda keeps to himself.
As for concieving the baby, I had to get checked out to see if I was fertile, but other than that W just had to calm down and she got pregnant. She has been diagnosed with depression since 2000, and whenever she has demanded Mom's attention or has a basic pouting match, Mom asks her if she has been taking her meds., which really ticks her off.
When her parents find out about the separation they are gonna flip.
I hope that answers your questions. I just wanted other people's opinions on this as I am inside the storm. I also realize that I have things to work on myself and I am currently working on them so i don't want to sound like I am W bashing. I truely want to make this work, but realize that is out of my hands. I need to work on me.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
Had to do some tough things today. I got my own bank account, took my name off the electricity, got a new cell phone plan, and had to get new car insurance. I basically had to divorce myself from my W on the financial aspect because she is already showing signs that she will be spending money at levels that we could not afford. She already ran her texting over 5000 texts saying it is because of her work (but it is because she is texting OM). She is not pleased that I am splitting all this up and is accusing me of "not wanting to work on the M." I know that that is pure BS though. I know I have to protect myself right now and I did convey that to her, very gently of course, but she can't see that right now. Oh well, back to packing up my things. Moving day is in 5 days.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
It is HARD BUT, brother it makes you gorw up. I was scared as hell : ) When I did it, but I never regretted it. Secret? I still have my own account, I use it for presents and such.
Moving in 5 days...
you're moving out? Even though she doesn't know what she wants?
Never been a big fan of that.
Kind of like Divorceing them into loving you again.
Hope some others drop by.
My day is done.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
She was forcing me to move. She told me that either she moves or I do and I could not afford the rent on the apt. we live in on our own. I let it be known that I really did not like the idea, but was doing it to give her the space she needed. She told me she knows she wants a separation, but not sure about a divorce.
Anyone got ideas on how to handle the child sitch. So far we agreed every other day since she is 1 yrs. old. Problem is we have 2 very different schedules. I work most of the day and she works form 5pm-2pm. Basically we divied up everyother day, but with the work schedule, she would basically be getting child most of the day everyday. Daycare is no help right now because they won't change her schedule until school starts. We don't want to change daycares because it is very cost effective and we all like daycare provider. Any thoughts are surely welcome.
Thanks!
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
I see the PA as a positive because it may possibly be the one thing that can save what was a failing marriage. Like the Pheonix rising from the ashes, I hope the marriage will take a new form and if it doesn't, i know that I sure will!