WAW in Los Angeles

[sandi2]

She said, "Are you happy with your decisions regarding the fence?" Why repeat those words?

Just put it down as her facing more consequences of her decision making.

[wawinla]

GB:

Regarding "No more Mr. Nice Guy"...when I re-think the situation, I wasn't really following through. When it comes to my WAW, I fall into that habit.

Thanks for the reminder and support. Don't want to beat myself up over it, but I definitely learned from the experience.

[wawinla]

Sandi:

Thanks for the perspective. I can't get sucked up in over think everything as it relates to my WAW.

[wawinla]

Journal:

There's been no regular communication with WAW. There's been an occasionally text/email, but that's it (e.g., pick up mail). Friends/relatives theorize that she's kept the D proceedings at bay, as I'm in GAJ mode in addition to GAL. The moment I secure a position, she'll pounce at the opportunity to move forward. As a result, everyone is telling me to escalate, force the issue, and move on.

I think about a fresh start, but my emotions/heart still believe that our M is worth saving.

I go through the emotional ups/downs...good and bad days. The whole sitch is surreal at times, but I continue to move forward.

[greenblue90]

Wawinla
My feeling and personal experience is that there are different phases for WAW's. There's the initial run away as fast as I can phase. If you follow suit you'll find yourself divorced real fast. on the other hand there's the indecisive reality setting in phase. Where WAW's all of a sudden slow down in their running away. They are still WAW, and are more double dipping, doing as they please yet still not giving you freedom and emotional stability.

Most know this phase as the indecision stage, I'm not pushing towards D, but I have no interest in piecing. Sometimes they need to be prodded alongso they are forced to make a decision. Otherwise they will just stagnate. Although don't be surprised if they go out and party, and get OM's afterall you wait for them.

Slowly keep detaching, and jump towards that job. IMHO it's better purgatory.

[wawinla]

GB:

Thanks for the feedback. She's definitely moved into a new phase. Less activity on social media, some signs that there maybe another OM or close to being an OM. Also indications that she maybe looking to have a child on her own. Through all this, I'm in as you aptly put it, purgatory. Being here, I understand why family and friends insist I escalate, but as I mentioned, I haven't let go of my M.

Yep...detachment and GAL is the best course for me now. It's difficult not "actively" working on saving my M, but I'm gaining acceptance that isn't possible at the moment.

One step at a time.....

[wawinla]

Update:

My WAS asked a month ago about using our house to host a birthday party for the daughter one of her employees. I said fine. The party is this weekend, so she reached out to me today. She asked the following:

"I just wanted to touch base with you that for XXXX's birthday party on Saturday, XXXX and I were going to come by Friday afternoon to set up and also prep some food in the kitchen. We will probably be there some time after 2 o'clock. If you're there, great. Otherwise, I can let myself in with the key.

I also wanted to know if I needed to arrange to have a maid service come in to tidy up. Do you think that's necessary? If it's just light cleaning, XXXXX and I can do that too when we come on Friday. Just let me know either way.

Finally, if you are around on Saturday (11 am-2 pm), you're welcome to join the party. I wasn't sure if that was clear before or not. It would be nice to have you there, but if you already have plans, that's fine too.

How are things with you otherwise?"

---***---

I still struggle with getting emotional high/low whenever there's contact with my WAS. I fight the urge to mind read and over analysis each word.

Any thoughts or insights? BTW I will be home on Friday and there's no need to get maid service, I've kept the place super clean, one of my 180's. Should I attend the party? I know the folks that will be there, friends of mine as well but obviously closer to my WAS.

As to her inquiry about how I'm doing, cynical side of me thinks she's asking since she is curious on whether I've gotten a new job. Optimistic side of me thinks she maybe curious to how I am. Reluctantly, I'm thinking the former and not the latter.

[aeolianchaos]

I was wondering how your situation was going:

I still struggle with getting emotional high/low whenever there's contact with my WAS. I fight the urge to mind read and over analysis each word.

Probably human nature - we really, really want something and so we look for any possible inroad that might exist in there.

I think that recognition that you have, where you notice, "oh, I'm getting kind of worked up about this" is probably a good first step to figuring out a different way to look at it.

Chances are you could tell yourself "This is probably not a coded message" or something along those lines.

Should I attend the party? I know the folks that will be there, friends of mine as well but obviously closer to my WAS.

Do you want to attend the party? Could you have something else going on that is also very interesting? Might create a little mystery.

I guess it depends on what business as usual was for you back in the day.

[wawinla]

I was wondering how your situation was going:

Thanks for checking in.

I still struggle with getting emotional high/low whenever there's contact with my WAS. I fight the urge to mind read and over analysis each word.

Probably human nature - we really, really want something and so we look for any possible inroad that might exist in there.

I think that recognition that you have, where you notice, "oh, I'm getting kind of worked up about this" is probably a good first step to figuring out a different way to look at it.

Chances are you could tell yourself "This is probably not a coded message" or something along those lines.

Appreciate the insight. Detachment is important, until I communicated or see my WAS. As you noted, I need to manage my reactions. Like many parts of this journal, much easier said then done.

Should I attend the party? I know the folks that will be there, friends of mine as well but obviously closer to my WAS.

Do you want to attend the party? Could you have something else going on that is also very interesting? Might create a little mystery.

I guess it depends on what business as usual was for you back in the day.

I would normally attend the party...it is with friends. Some friends say I shouldn't go...that my WAS is being passive aggressive, acting as though everything is okay.

I'm torn. Make an appearance and then leave. That's what I'm leaning towards.

[wawinla]

Update:

I attended the party this weekend. It was kind of surreal, so many folks at the house and my WAW there as well, since she's been moved out for nearly 6 months.

Her GF and her came by on Friday to get the house ready. It was a little awkward, but I lent a hand and then disappeared when the setting up died down.

On the day of the party, we didn't interact much at all. Very strange...it doesn't appear that my WAW has told many folks about the D. I'm not sure what to think of that, hard to process.

We have some casual chit chat at the end of the party and then she took off. Again, no discussions about the unwinding (financial stuff). A few of her GF's that do know the sitch did seem like they were probing for her. How are you doing? Traveling much? Interesting conversations about do I want a family (we were trying before she abruptly stopped). One of her GF's was doing a bad job of hiding her feelings, I could tell she was definitely seeing the situation from my WAW's perspective.

Like other folks, still learning to detach, and not over-analyze.

It was hard after the party, but feeling a better today.

One day at a time....