Another weekend gone, Saturday was our anniversary didn't feel like anything at all.I gave W a card with the line still worth remembering written it and that was it.
The boys had a great time at SS14 team party. W was there as well. We didn't talk to each other very much but there were other parents there that we have known for years so it was easy to just relax and have a good time.
Sometime during the party I put my hand on W back and got "the Look" this was the worst one I had ever seen! I felt as if she was disgusted by my touch.
When we returned home I let W know that that I relized that I had touched her back and appologized for doing so. I told her I had not relized before that evening that she was disgusted with my touch.
She told me that digust is a harsh word that she would not use to describe how she felt.
She said that she doesn't understand how I expect her to just feel OK with me wanting to show her affection after i've picked her up and then knocked her down so many times. She doesn't undestand how I can expect her to just run into my arms and feel safe after the things that I have said to her.
I just listened to her, I told her that I understood and that by no means do I expect her to run into my arms. The conversation then lead into how uncomfortable things are with the way we are living. I asked if she would feel better If I would move out.
Her response was " I can't afford this place" I told her I would still pay for much of it, I want the boys to be comfortable. W said that it is not something she expects me to do.
I then asked her if she feels her life will be better without me in it and her response was "no, but there would be a lot less tension. I responded with " our life could have a lot less tension in it if we just let some things go." she said it was easier said than done.
I let the conversation die there.
Sunday after church W went to the beach with S9 he wanted me to go with them. I decided to wait for SS14 to get out of his HS church group so I could take him and two of his friends.
Not a bad time at all W was civil and actually spoke to me. there was a point that she needed to go to the bathroom, which was 2 blocks away, W asked S9 if he wanted to go with her he of course said no. I told her I would walk with her wile XSIL watched the kids. W said OK. we exchanged some small talk about the kids and the beautiful weather as we walked.
When we got back she said, "Thanks for going bodyguard." I laughed and said, "your welcome."
I then told her, " I'm trying W." she responded with," I know you are."
I left it at that. I have never been much of a beach person so I never went with the family.
I had some bad experiences as a kid and didn't like going very much. She always felt that I didn't want to be seen with her.
I had forgotten how calmimg the crashing of the waves can be and how relaxing it can be to sit there doing nothing.
It was a good day overall. I had a good time joking around with SS14 and his friends while driving and just as good a time siting on the beach with W as we watched the boys boogie board and skin board.
I'm not sure if this is leading anywhere, and I really don't care I'm just glad we all had a good,fun day.
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
