We went back and forth on how difficult this was for us both but the thing I stressed was that as much as I want to be there for her, I can NOT be there for her about OM in any shape, form or fashion. She said she understood. I was very honest with her about how things made me feel and that I still desired to be with her but I made it very clear that I will be ok either way. That I am still praying and hoping but am not just sitting at home in the dark. Let her know that I was making plans for my future and while if those plans included her, that would be great but if not, I will move on.
mgm, I have a little time now so I just wanted to mention something.
It has nothing to do with what you did, just something I want you not to do.
The idea of being OK without her. Being strong and confident. Being a man.
All good things.
What I want to make sure is clear is this is not confused with being a d!ck. Being arrogant. Being cocky. Being angry.
Being strong and confident is the absence of all of those things.
You become angry, mean, etc not from detachment, but from attachment. Attachment that you're right and she is wrong. Having to prove you are right, because those thoughts are not just ideas, but what you now associate yourself as being.
So like I said. I say this not from what you have done, just what I want to keep you from doing.
I guess the reason I say this, is I can see the slippery slope.
You stand up for yourself, and it leads to a thought of superiority.
"I'm right and she is wrong!"
I know you are a man of faith. So remember those words as you stand strong.
Peace.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I completely understand what you mean and I've been very conscious of avoiding the arrogance and anger. Coincidentally enough, I started a DivorceCare group today at a local church and the topic was....anger! LOL.
I paraphrased how I conveyed "move on" to her. I was a little more detailed with her. Let her know that I am still praying for and hoping for reconciliation but that I am also taking the proper steps to make sure I'm able to move out by the 5th if that is what she desires. That I've been looking at new job opportunities. Etc, etc.
I've been extremely careful not to allow my emotions to get me to the point where I attack her verbally or in anyway become disrespectful. I explained to her the reason I hung up on her last night was I felt myself getting angry and that I didn't want to say anything I didn't mean in the moment. She actually told me she understood completely and that I didn't have to explain it to her or apologize.
The one thing I am very proud of is throughout all of this, I've made it very clear to her that I am not trying to point the finger (and I think I've been able to best do this because of my faith). I told her I've done my best to stop focusing on her and OM and try to focus on things that I know I can improve, both inside and outside of our relationship because with or without her, I desire to continue to become a better person. It's been a pretty interesting past few days since I switched my approach from continually reaching out to her so I guess I'm finding what works for me and I'll try to continue down that path.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
Thank you all for the continued encouragement...especially CS, jb, Starsky and KD. Your words of wisdom have been a blessing and helped me remain calm in the middle of the storm. Marathon...not a sprint. Got it.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
mgm, I have a little time now so I just wanted to mention something.
It has nothing to do with what you did, just something I want you not to do.
The idea of being OK without her. Being strong and confident. Being a man.
All good things.
What I want to make sure is clear is this is not confused with being a d!ck. Being arrogant. Being cocky. Being angry.
Being strong and confident is the absence of all of those things.
You become angry, mean, etc not from detachment, but from attachment. Attachment that you're right and she is wrong. Having to prove you are right, because those thoughts are not just ideas, but what you now associate yourself as being.
So like I said. I say this not from what you have done, just what I want to keep you from doing.
I guess the reason I say this, is I can see the slippery slope.
You stand up for yourself, and it leads to a thought of superiority.
"I'm right and she is wrong!"
I know you are a man of faith. So remember those words as you stand strong.
I'm conflicted on whether or not to reach out to her today. Our conversations went well yesterday and she even indicated that it hadn't bothered her when I was previously being the one to contact her...in some regards I assume this is because she liked the pursued feeling so I don't know if that is something I want to return to. She played this song for me while we were on the phone yesterday and said she listens to it while she is in the shower each day: Anthony Hamilton - Her Heart
I tried not to think too much into it but the lyrics are pretty strong.
Quote:
I let you down a thousand times Broken promises It's like I ran away from you My career was my excuse Until I saw you about to drown in your own tears
And as you cried in my arms You woke up my heart And I saw again what I found in you Cuz her heart, her heart wont let me lose her No matter how I try I just cant say goodbye and lose her
When all the folks were said and done You were there to welcome me home I was convicted cuz your love never wavered I know you love me more than me And you vowed to love through anything I never had a kind of love that was forever
And as you cried in my arms You woke up my heart And I saw again what I found in you Cuz her love, her love wont let me lose her No matter how I try I just cant say goodbye and lose her
I know it's kind of cheesy and in some regards...really many regards...pointless to try to analyze it but it's almost like she's telling me she knows my love for her is unwavering and that she really doesn't want to let go of us. It kind of lined up with her telling me that she knows deep down inside that she wants to work things out with me but just can't as the person she currently is...one that is "messed up" as she described herself. She even said she knew for the longest what I was saying about the OM was true...that she was using him to try to replace me...she was crying when she said it and said "but he doesn't know me...not at all...and definitely not like you."
She saw my blackberry status said "Can't sleep" last night and she called me at 2am...said she just wanted to make sure I was ok and that she'd had trouble sleeping that night also. We had a short 5 minute conversation before she ended it by kind of saying "well I just wanted to make sure you're ok..." I basically said I was ok and that I hope she's able to get some rest herself and thanks for checking on me.
Haven't heard from her today and I gotta be honest that I am getting an itch to shoot her a message. Just not sure if I should or not.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
Haven't heard from her today and I gotta be honest that I am getting an itch to shoot her a message. Just not sure if I should or not.
Nooooooo!!!!!
This is what we call "going all melty-man" on her, and it's a natural reaction when you finally get some spark in return from them. But the #1 MISTAKE PEOPLE MAKE IN DBing, is letting the walkaway/wayward spouse back in too quickly . . . too easily.
GO SLOW, it's good for BOTH of you. SHE has issues she needs to work on, that caused her to make the awful decision to try to leave her family in the first place, and YOU have things that YOU need to work on, that helped to create the marital dysfunction to begin with, right?
STOP PURSUING, and stop doing the "melty-man" thing would be my best advice. Be kind, but GO SLOW.
