Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Well, that's the problem. I don't really know how to process my feelings independently - they kind of run in the background of my thought process, except when they become too strong and demand processing, and then I'm overwhelmed. Kind of like an ocean - just a part of the scenery until there is a hurricane, then it messes up everything you've built.

Wow, asking me to describe things, you are reallly making me think and define problems that I've always assumed a normal part of my mental life (never really thought about), until they became a problem.

GAL is really hard for me, given that I have 5 children, 3 of whom really look forward to my reading to them at night, and 2 of whom are teenagers with whom I can now have more "adult" conversations. I worry about them - I am hoping hard for our marriage, because I don't want this to be the lasting picture of marriage that they go into life with. I go to Karate classes 3 times a week, but I have thought about going maybe one more time (the 3 times are 3 days in a row, and I really could use more exercise regularly). Strangely, I have started doing some housework - W and I always have difficulty keeping straight, what with 5 kids in a small house - but mostly because *I* want to have a more orderly place to live, not to please W or win her approval. So I guess that sort of qualifies as taking control of *my* life. And I have thought of taking up drawing again - years ago, I used to be quite talented with charcoal, and was starting in pastels. It doesn't get me as socially connected as I would like, but at least it would be something that is mine. The social part is problematic, given my schedule, and the need to be available to my kids and take my share of responsibilities at home.

180s...well, you know something about Asperger's, so you can guess how I am with change! I have been trying not to pursue my wife, and I feel like it is killing me. It goes so much against my inclinations - hard not to act desperate when you FEEL so desperate. And I have to admit, I have only had intermittent success with it. Sometimes I still find myself waiting for her to say something, afraid to do what I want to do for fear I will miss a moment when she is more open to me. OK, I guess that sounds pretty pathetic. Perhaps when I have more things of MINE to occupy me, it will be easier not to be so focused on HER reaction to me. In a sense, even my picking up around the house (and getting on the kids' backs to get things cleaned up) is kind of a 180, because I used to be so focused on having W's attention I hardly paid attention to anything else (Yeah, getting too obsessed with the relationship really can have negative consequences, huh?).

Actually, this board is a part of my GAL, surprisingly. I don't build friendships very easily, and I really need to speak with another adult sometimes. I know it is not enough, and I really do need to find people IRL I can talk to, but for now, this is at least one way of reaching out.