...thought about posting multiple times, but stopped myself each time, by just telling myself that I could handle it on my own. Which I did. This website has been a great help, but it's time to stop using it as a crutch.
...Well on Thursday night she came back and got in bed besides me, ... and we ml. She slept in the bed afterwards. The next morning she made a delicious breakfast, but was acting a bit odd. I eventually asked if she was ok. Her response was: this is so hard to tell your husband. I tried to be cool, and talked to her. Eventually she told me she wanted to make plans for the weekend with a girl.
The statement didn't catch me too off guard, I wasn't even that surprised tbh. I told her it was no problem and I hoped she had fun. She found my response a little puzzling, and asked if I was ok. I told her I was fine with it as long as I was still the first priority in her life. She said I was, and to not worry since "there is a 90% chance nothing will happen". I told her it was no problem, we held each other and kissed. Left for work, not too concerned really.
Near the end of the day she sends me a text telling me to hurry home because she was in the mood. I do but she no longer was. Either way we fooled around a little, and I went to do some errands when I got back i took a nap she woke me up to tell me she was in the mood after all. We ML, afterwards she felt very comfortable sharing things with me and let me know that the girl canceled. She felt a little rejected and I tried to cheer her up.
...we had a big fight about money, punctuated with her saying "I guess I'll just trick a guy into paying for my things!" I saw this as just another variation of the "will do porn to help with the bills" tactic.
Confronted her about it, told her how disrespectful it was, and how I did not appreciate or would tolerate it. It wasn't an angry confrontation, we did a lot of hard work and made progress. Apparently she got it into her head that whenever I worry about money, her saying something outrageous would get me to snap out of it, and I'd fix everything. She claimed that she always noticed I snapped out of it.
...She mentioned again that it was hard for her to show compassion, because her mother was like that with her. By this point things had cooled down, and I jokingly said: "I thought you didn't want to be like your mother!". She got upset, but in a playful kind of way.
....I know some may say I am enabling her, and in some ways I am. I don't think either of us knows how this marriage will play out, except that we love each other's company. She is no longer actively WAW, although still insists in exploring her sexual identity. Frankly I'm not too bothered by it. I can tell she herself is unsure as to how far she can go.
..I can also tell she herself is unsure so in the case she decides she does not want to, itd be pretty awkward if I had. Maybe if this is something we both agree is good, I'll search for an OP...
From what you have posted, my 2-cents is that your wife is confused about what she wants and is disfunctional in how she interacts with you.
You appear to have done some marvelous 180's and are not being manipulated as much by her attempts at getting you to fight with her. I think that not letting her manipulate you is important. You are forcing her to think about her actions and learning that she needs to interact with you differently.
I believe strongly that you should watch a persons actions and not their words. Her words are quite shocking and confrontational. Her words may actually be to try to shock herself as much as they are to hurt/manipulate you. She really does sound like she is trying to figure herself out in a very unusual kind of way by trying things that she isn't comfortable with to see if she will actually do them. Her actions (so far)are much milder and less confrontational. However the behavior is potentially self-destructive.
The comment about not becoming her mother is to me telling.
In earlier posts you felt she was in an MLC. Have the two of you talked about that or is it the elephant in the room? She sounds like she needs to do some introspection and figure out her life and what she wants to do with it.
Your comment about "enabling" is a good one. I have always felt that you were pretty quick to figure things out. So why do you think you are enabling her?
What would help your wife to grow up and mature? Would getting a job, would counseling, would her doing a GAL program help her figure herself out? If you are "enabling her behavior" what are some of the thing you can do to help her deal with the real world?
I think that you are wise not to let her suck you into fighting with her. I also think that she is really struggling and acting out for your attension. Make sure that you keep up with your GAL.
Good luck to the two of you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
