I had been working on chronicling the last few days then I lost the post before I could finish. So here goes again.
I had quite a rollercoaster of a weekend, thought about posting multiple times, but stopped myself each time, by just telling myself that I could handle it on my own. Which I did. This website has been a great help, but it's time to stop using it as a crutch. That being said I do plan to continue journaling, and seeking advice during hard times.
Well for those that remember we had a bad fight on Wednesday with W. She wanted to go back to working on us, while simultaneously seeking OW's. She hadn't been sleeping in bed, although we had bought some condoms, just in case things happened between us.
Well on Thursday night she came back and got in bed besides me, I was very happy, but tried to act cool. She said is it ok if I sleep here? I said yes of course. She then revealed one of the condoms we bought together, and we ml. She slept in the bed afterwards. The next morning she made a delicious breakfast, but was acting a bit odd. I eventually asked if she was ok. Her response was: this is so hard to tell your husband. I tried to be cool, and talked to her. Eventually she told me she wanted to make plans for the weekend with a girl.
The statement didn't catch me too off guard, I wasn't even that surprised tbh. I told her it was no problem and I hoped she had fun. She found my response a little puzzling, and asked if I was ok. I told her I was fine with it as long as I was still the first priority in her life. She said I was, and to not worry since "there is a 90% chance nothing will happen". I told her it was no problem, we held each other and kissed. Left for work, not too concerned really.
Near the end of the day she sends me a text telling me to hurry home because she was in the mood. I do but she no longer was. Either way we fooled around a little, and I went to do some errands when I got back i took a nap she woke me up to tell me she was in the mood after all. We ML, afterwards she felt very comfortable sharing things with me and let me know that the girl canceled. She felt a little rejected and I tried to cheer her up. The rest of the weekend was fairly tame. The biggest thing was that our car we just bought used broke down. So I was worried about getting fixed and money. Long story short we had a big fight about money, punctuated with her saying "I guess I'll just trick a guy into paying for my things!" I saw this as just another variation of the "will do porn to help with the bills" tactic.
Confronted her about it, told her how disrespectful it was, and how I did not appreciate or would tolerate it. It wasn't an angry confrontation, we did a lot of hard work and made progress. Apparently she got it into her head that whenever I worry about money, her saying something outrageous would get me to snap out of it, and I'd fix everything. She claimed that she always noticed I snapped out of it.
I told her it was far from the contrary and that it just added to my stress for her to say such things. Instead I told her I wanted compassion and support not a threat. She mentioned again that it was hard for her to show compassion, because her mother was like that with her. By this point things had cooled down, and I jokingly said: "I thought you didn't want to be like your mother!". She got upset, but in a playful kind of way.
So yeah don't know what to say. I know some may say I am enabling her, and in some ways I am. I don't think either of us knows how this marriage will play out, except that we love each other's company. She is no longer actively WAW, although still insists in exploring her sexual identity. Frankly I'm not too bothered by it. I can tell she herself is unsure as to how far she can go.
I haven't shown any interest to her in searching OP's to her, and at this point it just seems like more work than fun. I can also tell she herself is unsure so in the case she decides she does not want to, itd be pretty awkward if I had. Maybe if this is something we both agree is good, I'll search for an OP. Right now it's just too early to tell what path we'll take so I'll do the one with the least irreversible consequences.
