I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

[ClingingToHope]

GM ... For some reason XW has been on my mind all week. I think part of it is all the vacation time. I get pretty keyed up for these weeks off with the girls. I've always tried to make summers as much fun as I could for them because you only get to enjoy your children's childhood once.

But then it comes and there's lots of mentions of XW, lots of reminders either from stuff you did in the past or things they've enjoyed without you.

So it's a tough balancing act. I really look forward to these weeks alone with the girls and then it emotionally wears me out.

Of course, I'm still too sensitive as well and the 1 percent of my heart that won't let go plays a part as well.

Today was just a roller coaster.

Birthday party went great ... but now it's over and there was a little bit of a letdown.

D12 skipped it. She stayed at XW's rather than hang out with D8's friends.

I texted D12 to see if she'd make it over in time to go to church. She said no, she wanted to help XW paint the house.

We go to church. It's week four of a five-week series in how to stay in love. I've been ambivalent about it because whatever I learn is going to feel like its too late. Today, was perfect example. The teaching was about how in any marriage there is a big gap between "expectations" and "behavior." You can choose how to react when the spouse disappoints you. You can "believe the best" or "assume the worst."

I have to admit, as the years went on, more and more I assumed the worst. And I'm sure XW knew that.

I was so pumped by the revelation -- the teaching is by Andy Stanley, you should look him up -- that I was crazily thinking about buying the CD, mailing it to XW with a letter simply saying "I'm sorry."

After getting home, D12 finally came back over and she told me about all the people helping XW paint the house so it can be sold. It included one of her coworkers who I really liked and .... I was just crushed.

The 1 percenter again. I have this fantasy that a group of people around XW will tell her what a big mistake she made.

It took me a few hours to snap out of it. I really felt down.

D12 noticed and we talked over a few things. By the end of the night, the three of us were doing very well. I won't see them much over the next three weeks and then I have one final week of vacation with them.

Tomorrow? Back to work and I have a full schedule so my brain is going to be occupied and I'll continue to tick off the days and someday something great is going to happen to me.