Need some guidance....

[~¤DG¤~]

You should never, ever make someone a priority who only makes you an option.
Being devoted and wanting it to work is NOT telling OW that he loves her more than anything.

And no, you shouldn't have to abandon your wants/needs in order to save your M, nobody is worth sacrificing personal happiness. If you allow him to come home under these circumstances, your going to constantly worry if he's truly happy or thinking about OW.

I know we are here to try and save our M, but in your case I think you should worry about saving yourself and kick him to the curb.

[♪CS♪]

Sorry DG, but this sounds very "Jerry Springer" to me.

"Kick him to the curb!" "You go girl!"

Now, I understand her H f'd up. F'd up bad. Both the A, and his email.

But what I am also seeing is that there has been no clear boundaries discussed. There has been no attempt at MC.

Now confused, IF you want to give your M a chance here, these things need to be addressed.

It is not practical to think that after what has happened you can just coast back into a normal and happy M life.

This will take a LOT of work from BOTH of you. IF you chose to do so.

[Confused423]

Bill,

I appreciated your "impetuous reply" and I also appreciated this one!

I am finally coming to realize that he can't just flip a switch and be over her and that is REALLY REALLY hard for me because I resent that he put himself in that position to begin with and I am working through that because I know that it will not help anything in the future. I know that it will require a HUGE amount of strength and to be honest, I'm trying to decide if I have it.

My H just wants to move on and forget that anything happened and I do not find that in any way fair - to me and I guess it's not fair to him either.

He says that he knows that I am going to snoop and that just makes me wonder what he's STILL hiding. I worry that those feelings will never go away...ugh!! I'm beginning to think this is worse than the seperation, because then I had NO expectations and I was just moving on with my life and things were going GREAT!! Now they are in the toilet again and it makes NO sense to me!!!!

I'll keep you guys updated on how things are going as I'm going to have to have a talk with him and see how he feels about things.

[Confused423]

DG,

Unfortunately, I am feeling the same way as what you have said. I do constantly worry that he doesn't want to be here and that he would rather be with her. That's why I have told him to go (repeatedly), but he will not. He says he wants to be here and I just keep saying WHY!?!?!?!?

I caught up on your sitch and while I'm sorry that your H has not made any steps toward reconciling...I'm soooo glad to see that you are doing so well! I think that's the big thing for me...I finally am OK with me again and then he wants to come back, but to be honest he's bringing me down again. UGH!!!

[Confused423]

Country,

I have tried to discuss boundaries and what I need, but I think he either a) doesn't hear them or b)just ignores them and does exactly as he pleases. Also, he will NOT go to marriage counseling b/c he has no desire to discuss his feelings in front of a stranger. I think I might be able to talk him into MC if I was working right now, but I have been out of work for 5 months and we just do not have the extra money to do that. I have suggested some online things such as marriage builders and he didn't completely shut that down, so we'll see.

I think that is where I am at...the IF I choose to do so. I just don't know that he is going to do that work that is necessary and I cannot do it all by myself. It's not practical to pretend that I can and I think it's a no win situation.

How are things going with you? How's your D?

[Confused423]

Psych,

I actually said those words to him "I deserve better than to be someone's second choice" and he said "I completely understand how you feel". However, he has done nothing except live here to prove that point. Is that enough in a male mind?! I mean, had I done the same thing to him, I would be competely transparent and I would do everything that I could to make him feel like he was the best thing since sliced bread!! He just thinks I am asking for too much....

[~¤DG¤~]

DG,

Unfortunately, I am feeling the same way as what you have said. I do constantly worry that he doesn't want to be here and that he would rather be with her. That's why I have told him to go (repeatedly), but he will not. He says he wants to be here and I just keep saying WHY!?!?!?!?

I caught up on your sitch and while I'm sorry that your H has not made any steps toward reconciling...I'm soooo glad to see that you are doing so well! I think that's the big thing for me...I finally am OK with me again and then he wants to come back, but to be honest he's bringing me down again. UGH!!!

Only you can decide what is best for you.

I know it's so much easier for me to sit here and tell you what I think you should do, just like it would be easier to tell me what to do in my sitch. We both know it isn't quite that easy.

[Bworl]

No, that is not enough in a man's mind.


Full disclosure in every area where he could possibly deceive you by contacting any OW.


That's a must.


A certain amount of time, maybe a couple times a week, or a certain amount of time in a day, where you are allowed to speak freely about your feelings, fears, concerns, frustrations, etc.


That's a must.



Acknowledgements from you that he is staying true to his word.


That's a must.



Refusing to hold the past over his head in disagreements, either in word in your attitude.



That's a must.




There's give and take on both sides. YOu are interpreting him as non-chalant right now. YOu just need to consider that this may simply be his way of dealing with the competing guilt and feelings for the other person he has inside. It's not easy walking around each day feeling like a jerk.



You're both going to have to do things that are difficult and perhaps unpleasant. He doesn't even necessarily shoulder more of the load than you will.



No matter how you do it, it's not going to work if you grade his responses against how YOU would respond.




Blessings,

Bill

[♪CS♪]

Before I say anything, I just want to acknowledge the post from Bill above. Very good stuff.

Country,

I have tried to discuss boundaries and what I need, but I think he either a) doesn't hear them or b)just ignores them and does exactly as he pleases. Also, he will NOT go to marriage counseling b/c he has no desire to discuss his feelings in front of a stranger. I think I might be able to talk him into MC if I was working right now, but I have been out of work for 5 months and we just do not have the extra money to do that. I have suggested some online things such as marriage builders and he didn't completely shut that down, so we'll see.

I think that is where I am at...the IF I choose to do so. I just don't know that he is going to do that work that is necessary and I cannot do it all by myself. It's not practical to pretend that I can and I think it's a no win situation.

IMVHO

You are in a different spot than many on the board. In my sense, a much tougher spot. The "boundary setting" I am sure can be scary.

Because what you need to do is create your own, and then communicate them. This is different that "discussing" them with him.

He does not have a say on what your boundaries are, and vice versa.

What is important to note here, is that is why it is so critical that you really ask yourself what your boundaries are.

If you do so "willy nilly" and then he crosses it. Then you realize it wasn't really a boundary in the first place, and you let it slide. You have just weakened yourself. I guess what I am saying here. Is caution.

Is MC a "must" for you?

Is "full disclosure" a "must" for you?

Is XYZ a "must" for you?

These are the questions you need to answer. You need to answer them for YOU. This is why it need not be a discussion. Only communicated once decided.

But once again. Be cautious. Because if they are real. You need to be prepared to enforce them if crossed.

How are things going with you? How's your D?

Thanks for asking

D and I are great. This last weekend we spent at grandma and grandpas house. I just remember thinking. "I can't believe she's mine" She is just so adorable (I know everyone says this, but in myncase it is true )

[Confused423]

Country,

That is one of the BIGGEST reasons that I'm hesitant to set "boundaries" because I always tend to let it slide. For example: I have asked him repeatedly to call if he is going to be working late or if he is going to go somewhere after work. The other night he was supposed to get off of work at 4. At 8:15 I received a text from him that said "i stopped at mom and dad's after work. I'll be leaving here in a few." I did not respond to him because I was angry and I felt that it would be best to leave it alone. When he got home he acted like everything was good and then he finally clued in that I was upset. Here's how the conversation went:

H: What's your deal?
Me: Nothing, I'm good.
H: Obviously you are not good.
Me: There is no reason to discuss this as you are just going to get angry and it's going to start an argument.
H: Whatever...just tell me what
Me: OK..You were supposed to get off at 4 today and I get a text from you at 8:15 saying that you were at your parents.
H: I worked late and then I stopped by my mom's.
Me: That's fine. I don't care that you worked late, I don't care that you stopped by your parents'. What makes me upset is that you couldn't take the time to send me a quick text to let me know you were working late and that you were going to stop by your parents. You want me to trust you, but you do not want to do anything to help me with that.
H: I told you that I was working late this week and I thought I was doing good to text you and let you know where I was.

There was more conversation, but eventually we just quit speaking and then 10 min later he acts like nothing is wrong and goes on like normal. Was I wrong? Or did I just handle it incorrectly. I'm driving myself NUTS. It's starting to get old VERY quickly. I ask him what he wants from me, but he can NEVER tell me and I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall. Do I just go back to DBing...acting happy all of the time, GALing (with or without him), avoid any R talk, and pretty much leading a separate life unless he chooses to participate?