It seems to me that your H wants your M to work. You did say, "I've told him that if he loves her that much then he needs to be with her because obviously he doesn't love me that way." He still wants to come back to the M. He is home, right?
You are not in piecing yet. He is very confused right now. He is still in a fog. This is really hard for you right now. DB techniques are in order still. It will be awhile until the fog lifts and he will agree to no contact w/ ow, can start to see the devastation, and then can start to feel his own guilt and shame.
Maybe if I tell you my timeline, it may help. I suspected A in FEB '10, asked, he denied it, I believed him. I saw him texting her end of APR '10, said it made me feel uncomfortable and he admitted it was "an inappropriate emotional connection interfering with our marriage" and vowed to cool it. He didn't. He assured me that it had never gotten to a PA. I confronted both of them on 2 occasions in MAY & JUN '10. They both bold face lied to me. I asked them to not have any contact outside of work. Know what they did? They did.
At that point I started consciously doing DB. My BF was so angry w/ me because she just observed me being "too nice." I was being the woman he fell in love with.
This was a gut-wrenching/heartbreaking time!
Before I discovered the PA, I told him that I couldn't understand why it had not gotten to a PA if it was so "intense" like he said. I advised him to go to her. I felt like you, I did not want someone who wanted someone else. That LRT was the hardest thing for me to say to him. I got myself to a point where I couldn't be w/ him if he was w/ her and I had to stand my ground. He assured me he wanted me and wanted to stay. Know what he did? He e-mailed her and told her I set him free and he felt "pretty free." They then stated making plans to run away together. About 3 weeks later it all came out. I learned about the PA and my H took his ring off and handed it to me. I told him to keep it and we'd discuss it in the AM. He took the day off and took me to an island we went to when we 1st dated. That was a year ago.
I'm not sure how much contact or what kind of contact they had. They worked together. She left her job in SEPT '10 and then moved away in OCT '10. That clandestine "love" shriveled up and died pretty fast once it was all out in the open.
Nothing started in deception is good and therefore cannot survive.
It takes time and it's a process. Your H has made a statement of what he wants and now it has to be given time and space to happen. That doesn't mean it will be easy for you, that your heart won't break, and you will wonder if your head is on straight for choosing to go through this.
Just remember, you are not alone. Keep your focus and keep maintain standards.
I gave myself an internal timeline. If I'm not happy by next year, I have given myself permission to leave. I'm not out of the woods yet. I still have some tough days.
We are piecing now.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
You are not in piecing yet. He is very confused right now. He is still in a fog. This is really hard for you right now. DB techniques are in order still. It will be awhile until the fog lifts and he will agree to no contact w/ ow, can start to see the devastation, and then can start to feel his own guilt and shame.
MZ, you have this precisely backwards. Agreeing to no-contact needs to come FIRST -- that is a decision. Then, his feelings can slowly return for Confused. Affairs are highly addictive, and until you "separate the addict from the source of their addiction," you can't make any real progress.
I'm happy that your situation worked out, MZ, I really am. Success stories are always great (and rare) around here, since this is where people come typically when their marriages are already in deep crisis. But yours is NOT the typical case. Affairs rarely just die out on their own, and Confused is perfectly reasonable in expecting her husband to agree to no-contact and full transparency if he wants to return to work on their marriage.
Contact with a former affair partner is like a clock. Hard withdrawal takes 2-3 weeks, and complete withdrawal from 6-24 months. And each new contact (even negative contact, interestingly enough) "resets" the withdrawal clock back to 0:00:00.
I believe in no patience whatsoever if a wayward spouse asks back into the marriage. And then BOATLOADS of patience once they do, as it can take as much as 2-3 years or even more sometimes to get "those" feelings back and completely withdraw from the romantic attachment of the former affair partner.
Thank you so much for taking the time to help me. You really have helped me to look at this a different way. You are right that if I saw this as an illness I would be better to him and I would treat him ALOT differently. I am definitely going to try to look at this in a different perspective and see if that helps our R. He swears that he has NO contact with her, but I just don't believe him to be honest and I think that is causing alot of the problems that we have because it causes tension...anytime he's late getting home from work, anytime his phone beeps, etc.
He absolutely HATES to talk about our R, but I will try the suggestion of 20 min once or twice a week. I think that would help me alot!!
I really can't thank you enough for your wonderful insight and I will refer back to your post to me quite often to help me when I'm losing focus. I almost feel like a WAW myself because I'm just so tired of it all. However, your post has given me a new perspective and I will attempt to put it to use, because you are right...I do want everything to be perfect RIGHT NOW!!!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
I have never thought of it that way. I KNOW that I'm not getting through to him and that just may be the reason that I am not. He may feel attacked and of course he would want to defend himself as all of us would. You and SGC have really given me some food for thought and I am going to really try to put those things into practice and see if it gets everything more on an even keel.
I'll keep you guys posted!! Thanks again for taking the time to give me some wisdom
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Thanks for the info on the KLA series. I think that it would be really good for us to try, but he may be a hard sell as he is not into all of that stuff. I am, however, so that may be something that I will follow along with although right now I may not be able to get the materials as I have been out of work for almost 5 months and money is tight (much like it is for many Americans).
I really appreciate that you would take the time to give me some other options to help me in my M. You guys are really awesome and I will make sure that I keep you up to date on how things are progressing.
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Thank you so much for taking the time to help me. You really have helped me to look at this a different way. You are right that if I saw this as an illness I would be better to him and I would treat him ALOT differently. I am definitely going to try to look at this in a different perspective and see if that helps our R. He swears that he has NO contact with her, but I just don't believe him to be honest and I think that is causing alot of the problems that we have because it causes tension...anytime he's late getting home from work, anytime his phone beeps, etc.
He absolutely HATES to talk about our R, but I will try the suggestion of 20 min once or twice a week. I think that would help me alot!!
I really can't thank you enough for your wonderful insight and I will refer back to your post to me quite often to help me when I'm losing focus. I almost feel like a WAW myself because I'm just so tired of it all. However, your post has given me a new perspective and I will attempt to put it to use, because you are right...I do want everything to be perfect RIGHT NOW!!!
You have great moderators. They know how to contact me because of my history here. You are getting GREAT advice, you just need to add to your skillset. Also--I have been there. It [censored] because you can't be on top of everything all the time. And over the years you realize, every little detail doesn't matter. It's what you build the focus on. Boundaries are good. But they are nothing with out the relative skillsets. And bending and understanding can be useless without boundaries (Starsky would be sooo surprised to here me say that. )
You obviously have something chemistry/attraction related. You obviously have a pull related to your daughter. And you obviously have a man who has some emotional and/or physical pull towards someone else who really wants to change and make it work with you. YOU. If it was JUST your daughter, you would have some different responses, even though you might FEEL it's just for you.
YOU have a GREAT chance for success. I believe you will be GIVING advice...being one of the leads on the board when you are 'feeling' it.
When I look back at my own relationship and my successes and failures, right now...my partner is awesome. 10 years in the making. There were times I was the strength. And some people would have called me stupid. Actually, even by best friend as much as I love her.
I believe you can and will do this.
If i miss the connection to you because I'm distracted, 'notify' Jack. He knows how to find me.
Btw- Jack is very wise. When I was moderating and we Jamesjohn lost the ability to spend a lot of time on the board (he was a GREAT moderator), I was hoping JTB would moderate. He's a success. He's wise. He's not afraid to share his opinion...conventional and nonconventional. And he cares. He has a great heart.
He's one of the great men on the board. Starsky is very very good, even though we will not agree on every point.
Oldtimer Women: besides me, sandi2, snodderly, brandnewday, oldtime come to mind.
PIECING is my favorite board. Because you folks are SOLUTION ORIENTED. Hell-bent on real stuff for making it work.
Work it, girl!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
You misunderstand. I am saying that Confused should insist on no contact. What he does may be another matter and I am in support on Confused staying the course and sticking to her standards of no contact.
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
You misunderstand. I am saying that Confused should insist on no contact. What he does may be another matter and I am in support on Confused staying the course and sticking to her standards of no contact.
I think what Confused needs to do is state what she needs/wants = no contact.
Confused, you really need to believe this though.
In that she can basically say that the R can only thrive in exclusivity. That being said, she will then need to IGNORE all bad behavior. If he is texting ow, ignore it; if he is calling/seeing/whatever ow, IGNORE IT. This is pure DB/BR stuff. That is her first step.
I can't say I've met one person yet on this board (who is IN PIECING) say that their WAS just up and left the A. It takes time for the WAS to come out of the fog.
The next step that needs to come right along is the "I get it" phase and to OWN her part in the A. Admit the downfalls and the things that she needs to change.
Confused, you know what they are.....you really do!
Not to toot my own horn, but I wrote my H an "I get get it" letter. I even had to put in parts that I felt he believed and I didn't......validation......I came from HIS POV.....all with the hopes that someday we'd meet in the middle. SOMEDAY came.
Hey, I'm a success story. I want to help. Not saying that I'm perfect or my way is the way or the highway. I just know the DB/DR techniques worked for me.
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
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