Divorce on the horizon?

[dl443322]

Hey Tad. A couple of things.

Reread your last post. Are those the actions of someone not in crisis?
She is all over the place.

If it was just that she was done, she would not be reading your facebook, would not care if you hung up or hung upside down, would not be telling you it was another last, last chance.

Having said that, unfriend her. Not to retaliate. Because really, if you are going to write about her and MLC and your friends are going to. it really is best for her not to see it. And it is best for you. And quite frankly, if I were her, I'd be pis3ed, too.

That whole 30 minutes of going round and round with her would have been avoided.

Tad, you need to really and truly move forward. That is not to say to give up on your marriage, but, to heal. You cannot do that if you keep getting pulled into these kinds of things with her.

She is broken right now. And so, there is no way to make sense of what she is saying and doing. She doesnt even understand it so how can you possibly?

You also cannot possibly know how she feels. So, there is no possible good that will come from you trying to figure it out.

Unfriend her and if you must, explain simply why.

Stop trying to figure out if she is done, if she loves you, if you lost another chance. If you dont, you will continue to go in circles.

Let her walk her path, Tad. You walk yours. Really and truly walk it.

It starts with you letting her go, not engaging with her, becoming the man YOU want to be.

No one knows what the future holds.

Get to gettin'.

[beatrice]

Tad, you have two vets post you with good advice. Your wife is nuts right now. Repeat it. It is that simpe [and very hard, I know] You cannot deal with or fix someone who is actually crazy. No she doesn't need locking up [although it is a nice idea - long ago there was talk of an island for MLCers to all go on together, instead of bothering us with their crazy talk and actions].

You continue to take her seriously and get sucked into her drama. If a 4 year old was saying 'I hate you I hate you' how seriously would you take it? Would you post here. 'My 4 year hates me what should I do' Of course not, because you are detached enough from their drama to see it for a tantrum. Remember that she is emotoinally between 4 and 14. Oh yes and nuts.

[a girl]

Are you dropping the rope? Feels like you should. You hung - she called back 2 minutes later - let it go to voice mail.

I did this same thing with my H last night - wouldn't let the conversation end, had some .. need .. to try and make him see reason. But they won't - they can't.

Disengage. Interact on your terms and your timeline.

[job]

Tad,
"Unfriend" your wife on facebook. You need a safe place to post to your friends and if you are going to post there and discuss mlc, then you need to do it in peace. I wouldn't offer up a reason as to why you have done it unless she inquires.

Drop the rope totally. It's time to do so. She is pinging all over the place and she's got you doing some of it as well. You can't heal and get yourself together with her pinging all over the place. She's sucking you into her drama and YOU DO NOT NEED TO GO THERE!

You will find that you will do so much better w/less interaction from her.

[AntoniaB]

I agree with everyone else. There you were detaching and doing ok, and she messaged you and pulled you back in.

You have to defriend her. This is a necessity for all the reasons everyone said. This connection is only making it worse. Think about it--what if there wasn't any facebook at all? I can tell you it was the source of a ton of trouble for me and in one way it occasionally still is as I have one friend who "hates" my ex but won't defriend him so she can spy on him. I have to basically tell her not to tell me what's going on. It's like an accident she can't tear herself away from and I don't get why she wants to watch the carnage other than to be the one to "warn me" if he breaks up with OW because she's afraid I'll take him back.

Therefore, if you have mutual friends between you and your W on fbook, you need to anticipate and plan for this. First of all, if you have but ONE mutual friend with her and either of your settings are set to open to "friends of friends", she can still see your page or parts of it. If this is the case, the only way is to also put her on your block list. Putting her there makes you "disappear" to her. POOF. Then she can't see if you're talking about MLC or whatever.

AND, if you have chatty mutual friends like mine, you are also going to have to ask that person to leave you out of the loop. You need to say do not inform me of what she's posting or her every move. It's not healthy for me to hear about her.

I didn't do that soon enough, and I spent a lot of time crying over what people "reported" back to me. I'd have been better off not knowing.

So consider all this stuff when you defriend. You need a safe space to talk with those who support you right now, and she's invading it.

[MHL]

I've been thinking about deleting her as one of my friends on FB, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I've actually told her to delete me numerous times, but she won't do it.

What do I do people?

CLOSE YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT........DONE.

Easiest advice ever.

If you are maintaining contact with people here then open one that has your screen name or some other name but not your name and do not put your picture on it.

There will be such a peace in your life if you do this.

Cheers

[whitneypinch]

I unfriended my XW a week after she dropped the bomb.
Friends kept telling me what she was up to. And I also saw stuff from mutual friends on FB.
I closed my FB account down and they opened it up a year later just with relatives and a few friends.

Tad, unfriend her right away. It will only hurt to see what she is up too.

This will get easier.
For the first time every, I have had very little contact with my XW for 2 weeks. I know it does not seem like much but we used to be in contact everyday.
It is MUCH better to have no contact. It is very hard in the beginning but it gets easier. You will start to regain some of your strength back.

[PEI]

Screw unfriending ... block her a$$. Then she can't see you and you can't see her. End of story.

[MHL]

Screw unfriending ... block her a$$. Then she can't see you and you can't see her. End of story.

Hey PEI,

I will disagree here......

I think that sends a message that Tad doesn't neccessarily wants to send, which would be......

"I don't want to be friends with you"

That is not what Tad wants.....

He wants his W back.

I think that FB causes much pain and confusion all the way around, when this happens.

IMO, WAY TOO much emphasis is put on FB and what people post or don't post.

FB also seems to be the defacto barometer of our relationships.

Is it not ironic that FB was born out of a relationship ending????? (If you saw "The Social Network" )

I mean the last scene in the movie has Mark Zuckerberg sitting "alone" in front of the computer hitting refresh on his screen to see if his "ex-girlfriend" had replyed to his message or post or whatever........

I read thread after thread here were people interpret what their spouse is feeling by what is posted on FB. I think FB is more about what "you want other people to think your feeling rather than your actual feelings".

Facebook for Tad is just another way for his W to draw him into her storm.....whether they are "friends" or not, whether he "blocks" her or not.

Maybe at some point in the future he could reopen his account but TAD would be best served by closing the account, until then it is a distraction that keeps him from focusing on TAD.

Cheers

[PEI]

Hey MHL,

And I'll respectfully disagree ... but you and I use FB much differently, so the difference of opinion doesn't surprise me

TAD, the bottom line here is that we all agree you need to be focusing on YOU. Get to gettin' (nickly B-lady).

Peace,
PEI