You are not in piecing yet. He is very confused right now. He is still in a fog. This is really hard for you right now. DB techniques are in order still. It will be awhile until the fog lifts and he will agree to no contact w/ ow, can start to see the devastation, and then can start to feel his own guilt and shame.
MZ, you have this precisely backwards. Agreeing to no-contact needs to come FIRST -- that is a decision. Then, his feelings can slowly return for Confused. Affairs are highly addictive, and until you "separate the addict from the source of their addiction," you can't make any real progress.
I'm happy that your situation worked out, MZ, I really am. Success stories are always great (and rare) around here, since this is where people come typically when their marriages are already in deep crisis. But yours is NOT the typical case. Affairs rarely just die out on their own, and Confused is perfectly reasonable in expecting her husband to agree to no-contact and full transparency if he wants to return to work on their marriage.
Contact with a former affair partner is like a clock. Hard withdrawal takes 2-3 weeks, and complete withdrawal from 6-24 months. And each new contact (even negative contact, interestingly enough) "resets" the withdrawal clock back to 0:00:00.
I believe in no patience whatsoever if a wayward spouse asks back into the marriage. And then BOATLOADS of patience once they do, as it can take as much as 2-3 years or even more sometimes to get "those" feelings back and completely withdraw from the romantic attachment of the former affair partner.
