It seems to me that your H wants your M to work. You did say, "I've told him that if he loves her that much then he needs to be with her because obviously he doesn't love me that way." He still wants to come back to the M. He is home, right?
You are not in piecing yet. He is very confused right now. He is still in a fog. This is really hard for you right now. DB techniques are in order still. It will be awhile until the fog lifts and he will agree to no contact w/ ow, can start to see the devastation, and then can start to feel his own guilt and shame.
Maybe if I tell you my timeline, it may help. I suspected A in FEB '10, asked, he denied it, I believed him. I saw him texting her end of APR '10, said it made me feel uncomfortable and he admitted it was "an inappropriate emotional connection interfering with our marriage" and vowed to cool it. He didn't. He assured me that it had never gotten to a PA. I confronted both of them on 2 occasions in MAY & JUN '10. They both bold face lied to me. I asked them to not have any contact outside of work. Know what they did? They did.
At that point I started consciously doing DB. My BF was so angry w/ me because she just observed me being "too nice." I was being the woman he fell in love with.
This was a gut-wrenching/heartbreaking time!
Before I discovered the PA, I told him that I couldn't understand why it had not gotten to a PA if it was so "intense" like he said. I advised him to go to her. I felt like you, I did not want someone who wanted someone else. That LRT was the hardest thing for me to say to him. I got myself to a point where I couldn't be w/ him if he was w/ her and I had to stand my ground. He assured me he wanted me and wanted to stay. Know what he did? He e-mailed her and told her I set him free and he felt "pretty free." They then stated making plans to run away together. About 3 weeks later it all came out. I learned about the PA and my H took his ring off and handed it to me. I told him to keep it and we'd discuss it in the AM. He took the day off and took me to an island we went to when we 1st dated. That was a year ago.
I'm not sure how much contact or what kind of contact they had. They worked together. She left her job in SEPT '10 and then moved away in OCT '10. That clandestine "love" shriveled up and died pretty fast once it was all out in the open.
Nothing started in deception is good and therefore cannot survive.
It takes time and it's a process. Your H has made a statement of what he wants and now it has to be given time and space to happen. That doesn't mean it will be easy for you, that your heart won't break, and you will wonder if your head is on straight for choosing to go through this.
Just remember, you are not alone. Keep your focus and keep maintain standards.
I gave myself an internal timeline. If I'm not happy by next year, I have given myself permission to leave. I'm not out of the woods yet. I still have some tough days.
We are piecing now.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
