Please help, I don't know what to do. I have posted that wife is a WAW and that she has been very mad.
She called me today and left this very long message on my cell. She was overjoyed that she found a new Church and that our autistic 8 year old boy really loved it. She said in the message, that I would really like it, wanted to know how my day was going. Gave some up to date information on the health of our boy, in that he was very sick last week in the hospital with samonella and is good now. She sounded very upbeat and happy.
My question is this, do I return the call, ignore it, or just text her back saying, "great, glad to hear it.? I honestly don't know how to handle this as this has been very uncharacteristic of her lately. She has now said that she wants to hold off on signing any divorce papers. I don't think it has anything to do with getting back together I think she doesn't want to sign them right now because she is just stressed out over the whole divorce.
Please advise. Do I continue the 180 or do I go dark. What to do. I am working on myself to be a happier person such as going to church myself and signing up for karate. But I don't know how to handle this at all.
Doggy
"Someday we may look back on this and decide that Saving Private Ryan was the one decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole godawful mess."
Hey doggy... just an FYI that you can keep posting in one thread and we'll all see that there's a new post from you in it. Too many threads starts to get distracting and it's hard to follow the flow of what you are doing and how things are going for you.
Your W will have many ups and downs, emotionally. So while it's great and seems positive that she is being nice right now, understand that she is likely to be mean again, just around the corner.
The reality is, you need to start making some choices. We'll help and offer feedback, but it will be up to you to proceed.
The best advice at THIS TIME, though, is to detach.
How you do that will be to keep contact minimal and at best, if her contact to you is positive, wait a while... an hour... four... and then respond back very minimally, but in a pleasant way. Like you're thinking in the above post.
Not sure if you've seen the list of Do's and Don'ts... I'll look for it and post it hear when I find it...
You DO need to keep GALing, be consistent with 180s to see if their effects are hurtful / harmful / no effect... and then course correct...
and what ever you do, get off her emotional roller coaster!
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it too......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life! 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words, but don't sound rude. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill, b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. 35. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
