....it hides the tears, it's absolutely marvelous. I work the farm in the rain, then the children won't ask why I'm crying.
I'm new here but have been around awhile lurking, crying and praying for those of you in pain. I'm in pain, too. Married for 15 years, together for 22. I have 4 wonderful children (ages 11, 9, 7, and 4). I'm a shepherd who loves her work.
I lost my husband 6 months ago.... he's still here physically, but not the same man. He says it's all my fault, I know it's not... but I know I haven't helped matters, I've been a hindrance I'm sure. My husband was a good man, loving, caring, kind, hard working, good father, good provider---most women would kill for what I had. Most of the previous is now gone, or almost gone. He's lost in there, maybey for good. Yes, he's depressed, but will never admit it. We're seeing a priest/counselor, but I don't think it's going to help. We've had an EXTREMELY difficult 2 years (my mom is dying of cancer, death of his father, his mother is ailing, his job loss--he has one now but it's very stressful, etc.)
No sex. He's told me I'm sexually unattractive to him. Told me I disgust him. I've never heard such vile things come out of his mouth. I'm attractive to other men.... just not my husband, so I use that for consolation. I'll not approach him sexually b/c of these statements. I've said HORRIBLE things to him. I'm not going to make a bunch of excuses for my words. Apology not accepted... he's merciless, now. He's put up with alot from me, and I've done the same for him---he's passive/aggressive, I'm Italian - you do the math. He walls himself away from life when the pressure is too much (I've kept a 25 year journal and have found this to be a trend). I've asked him to plug into the kids again, and he has.... just not for me.
He went to an attorney about 2 months ago. I found out by accident. I began having panic attacks. To protect my family, I went to an attorney. We'll be JUST fine.... status quo if the poop hits the fan. I felt very cold toward him subsequent to that meeting. I won't go back until I have to----it's counterproductive, I want my husband back. At least the anxiety concerning 'what if' is gone.
Last night I woke up (I don't sleep now) and my movement roused him. He reached out for me and began squeezing my shoulder. I instantly grabbed his hand tightly and pulled it toward me. I dared not move... I thought it was a dream. After what seemed like hours, I moved again. He pulled me into him and I laid on his arm... tears streaming down my face while he slept. I got up about an hour later. Before he left for his trip, I asked him why he touched me. His response, "huh? What did you say?" with a 'deer in the headlight look'. I repeated my question. He said, "I didn't realize I did that". I told him, "that's what I thought". And he left. My heart is torn into shreds now. What does all of that mean? I can't stop crying today, and I'm NOT a cryer.
