Because I wasn't legally married (though in a 20 year partnership), the word "divorce" doesn't have the same control over me. My ex-partner was able to walk out and announce his intentions to marry OW within a matter of weeks. No law can protect me and so I've had to adopt the very same attitude that I am suggesting to you. Is it "giving up"? No! It is relinquishing control of tomorrow and focusing on surviving today.
I haven't read all the posts, but I really like this thinking. I chose not to use the words "breaking up" or "custody" or "Lawyer" all the time in my head anymore. I like to use softer words. I like to often reframe the situation.
The other day, I felt so much pain of rejection and abandonment and I knew it came too from childhood and I thought about my father and my boyfriend - both of whom have caused me pain, and I decided to reframe the "they abandoned and rejected me" - instead, I realized, I am a goddess and my beauty and light was simply too much for them to bear at times. It was like they had to turn away. It was too bright.
That's all. They simply "temporarily" turned away. And I still shine.
We really need to talk. You hit the nail on the head. I appreciate what you said. Its all so true. Im trying, trying so hard. THe hurt, guilt, sadness is still standing in my way. I would love to be able to talk to you. Your words and advice have hit a nerve. And to all the other responses from members of the board. I truly thank you for your words and advice. It means so much to me. I am in aw of how many kind people there are out there who are willing to help someone they dont even know. Please continue to write her for me. This was a very bad week because I saw him and it didnt go well. I also have to have a medical procedure done tomorrow that can lead to a devastating diagnosis. Im really scared about that. So there is so much going on. THank you all. I will write more later. Like I said I saw H on wednesday and it didnt go well. I feel I have no chance left. Thank you all
Rue, I have been thinking of you and praying for you. I am so glad you checked in.
I wish I could give you a hug in person. It was a very bad week for me as well. Like you, I saw *him* - the "new" him - and it hurt like heck. But you and I made it through Rue, yes we did.
Please let us know how your procedure goes tomorrow. Please pour your heart out whenever you need to. We all understand.
I'm thinking of you Rue, you are not alone. Stay in the day, stay in the moment. I know you feel you have no chance left for your M, but that is just a feeling. It is fear of the future, and it is a feeling that is getting in the way of you surviving THIS day, which is all we have to do.
The more we fear or try to predict the future, the more we will suffer. It is the ONLY thing I've learned over this last 4 1/2 months since my bomb dropped. Its the only wisdom I have to share. This moment is hard enough without worrying about the future. We can guess what are futures will be, but none of us truly knows, so we have to let it go.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Rue, I was just checking in to see how your procedure went. Hopefully you are home and resting comfortably.
We're thinking of you.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
I cancelled my procedure because of H. I found out that he is on vacay with the OW and her child. I was devasated. I thought to myself while I am laying on a hospital table he is having fun in the sun with her. How could this be? My kids got so upset with me. They said some pretty harsh things, that I know were only to try and make me realize how important it is to take care of me. My D said to me that she needs atleast one parent at her wedding so I went to the procedure. Believe it was hard going alone. Something H should have been there with me. I dont have any results yet. Not until next week. It was painful but pretty quick and it seems there is more pain now. But that is to be expected. Im just very tired. Thank you so much for your concern. I really cant believe all the wonderful people out there that care care so much. I truly wish I could give you a hug. Believe me I need one. SO while he is vacaying for a week in the sunshine state with her having a grand ole time I will try and try and try to make it through this. So many people lately have told me its not about me that this is all about him and his non acceptance of what he cant face. As much as I despise the OW i also feel sorry for her because she is involved in a relationship of lies. Thank you for you prayers. Please keep them coming and i will do the same for you. I dont know if we are allowed to give out email addresses or anything on this post but if you know could you let me know. Thank you for everything. You are a great help to me as are so many others.
Today i have very many mixed emotions. I wait to see what the text results will be. I wont know until monday.This have been somewhat of a distraction for me knowing whatever the results will be there will be more procedures. Depending on what is found in the biopsy will determine the procedure. Im really scared. Another scare to add to my list. I cant tell you how hard it was to go through this procedure monday knowing my H was vacaying with OW and her kid. I just cried from the moment i entered the room. I have a great doctor who just sat there and comforted me and took her time. She tell me this isnt my problem or anything I did to make him choose this path he is on. Its his own deep problems that he will never get away from even with OW. I think of all the places he is taken her, and they are the same places that had such special meaning to us. Just last week he wrote our D and said he missed their dad-daughter time together but here it is a week later and he is having "TIME" with the OWs kid on vacay. How quickly they move on. He told me he would like me to keep him informed of the test results because he said he is concerned. REALLY? He would have been better off saying nothng. I am so afraid, scared of what all this is going to mean and what is going to happen. I do know that I have my kids and my family and alot of his family and so many friends old and new that support me. Really what does he have. The OW and a friend he has know for a while. Thank you all for being so supportive. I will continue to let you know what the test results will be. Either way there will be a hospital stay invovled and that will be a new experience without him there. Hugs to all of you.
